Yeah, my Father moved to Chicago from Denver a month after he and Mom separated. I was 6. Since then, I've physically laid eyes on him once. He didn't know me and I didn't say a word.
See that's the thing. I don't know what I want. Rather, I know what I want, I don't know if I can pay the price. At some level, I want the co-dependent relationship back, but, I want it to die die die. At times the more mature love feels like a pale imitation of the co-dependent hypnosis. I want my kids to know what a healthy relationship looks like and how to pick a quality spouse and to not have to live through the pain and hurt that I did. I just don't know if I can pay the price. I've committed to working on this R and on being a better Dad until mid-February. So, I really want to honor that commitment.
I can be patient. I can endure. I've done that my whole life. This is different, it isn't enduring so much as it is struggling onward with twice your body weight strapped to your back.
Sometimes I wonder if the route back to my W doesn't go through a D. When she looks at me, she doesn't see what other people especially other women see.
