For the Guy with Kids and a WW 11

[hopeful4her]

what,

unfortunatly, I have a lot of women friends. I get a lot of crap for it. My mind wanders a lot and I post about it. I have let myself be lured one of them more than I should. But I'm really just looking for friendships.

They are all desirable is the problem. I think they all think of me as the hurting big brother and just care for me and I read into more than I should.

The only one that might have motive is B. That one just really hit me yesterday as I was posting about the time we went out for her bday.

Funny how I had forgotten that night.


This evening didn't start off very well. I got off later than usual. Just after 6pm. I raced to the apartment to try to beat GBG to her place. I really try not to see her. By the time I got there, she was already there. Maybe by 5 minutes.

D6 was tired and not cooperating. She didn't want to leave. D11 wanted to go to the bookstore. I say we can't, and she is whining. S14 was still snacking and not ready to leave at all. I was upset because I had called D11 to let her know I was 20 minutes away and to get her and her sister ready to go. She got herself ready. Now everyone was comfortable. Looking at my watch as usual when I'm there. Asking them to get ready, its time to go.
"Are you in a hurry?" GBG asks, of course with that look.
"I want to get home. Need to get dinner ready."
"I was going to cook them hamburgers, but they said they weren't hungry."
"Ok, come on kids, your dad wants to go."
D11 whines.
"Come on. He's tired and he still needs to cook dinner."

Then she wants to talk some more. About the robbery now. The Fers also hit a Bank of America the same day. Thats why I emaileed GBG that day. Robbers do that sometimes. Hit a couple places at once. I'm trying not to talk too much.

We start to talk about D6. Already got in trouble at school yesterday. I missed a small note written in her calendar. They usually write a separate note. We talk to D6 a little. I keep trying to get them going, but they are as slow as molasses. Finally getting going, D6 says again she doesn't want to go. GBG tells her to go, she'll be back. She needs to spend time with dad too. She walks us to car.

Kids are sad to go. I knew it was going to happen. Another reason why I want to pick them up before she gets home. Just easier on the kids. On the way home, I talk to them. I ask if they really want to stay or go home with me. Let me know. Be honest. They say its my time. I let them know that I know its hard, but what happens when they are with their mom for a week.
"We miss you."
"Thats right. We all have to get used to this. Me too."

I told them that when they do that in front of mom, mom thinks that they don't want to be with me but rather mom. I know her. She was probably thinking how I'm taking them when they would rather be with her. I ask D11 is she understands. I see S14 nodding in agreement.

Before we got home, in the quiet, I began to tear up. I F'ing HATE this. Get home and start on dinner. S14 invites his friend over and they all go and jump on the tramp. Having a good time.

GBG calls me. She asks about a finance company that has a lien on her Yukon. They might pick it up. She hasn't driven it since last Oct. Motor went out, and we can't fix it. Same with my Volvo. Haven't driven it since May. Leaks water and oil. We talk about some finances. I tell her that I'm in the same boat. I advise her on what to tell them.

She asks about D6. I tell her she was fine, just really tired. She agrees. I tell her that it is just hard on them. She asks about maybe keeping for 2 weeks at a time. Hard for them to get settled. She keeps pausing. Like she wants to say something. Both of us.

"And if they ever want to see you, I would always let them. I would never keep them from you. I hope you would do the same."
"I have told them the same thing. Many times."
"We have to think about whats best for them. Make it as easy as possible."
"I know. Its just hard all around."
Again we pause in thought, I guess. We tells me that she will cook some dinner for them tomorrow night. She know we will both be off later than usual. I tell her that I'm taking them to grandma's and she is planning on Red Lobster for the girls. Some discussion on that. She asks about dinner tonight. I told her what I was cooking.

"So don't worry about dinner tomorrow."
"Okay. I won't worry about dinner tomorrow." Couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic.
"Okay. Welllll, I'll let you go" she says.
"Ok. Bye."
"bye"

Our whole conversation was like both of us just down. We spoke so quiet to each other.

AFter, I F'ing broke down again. I almost texted her again.
"I can't tell you this face to face, but I do really miss you."

I erase it.

Again.

Why do I let this happen? I can't stand it!

I go to watch the kids having so much fun outside and I gather myself. I have work to do. Finish dinner. Get D6 in the shower. Wash dishes. Help D11 with a project. Make plans for the girls tomorrow. Tell S14 to be sure to pack his things for tomorrow.

I can't believe I do this to myself. I'm trying so hard. I tell myself that I want to be done with her.

My heart F'ing heart tells me something else. My damn heart.