Help, it seems my 35 year old wife is in MLC #12

[missmyfriend]

Imageer, I dont think they know what they want. They are trying to change things in their lives that they think will make them happy but then they lose the comfort or familiarity of specific things. Is it the dog she misses? Maybe.

[Gman3388]

Hi Ima,
If I may post a thought or two here. It might be a good thing that your W feels comfy enough to talk to you at least.
Mine does that too. Though we still live together and there isn't talk of OM my W still feels comfy to talk to me about stuff sometimes. Its already been suggested but detach and be friendly.
Odd thing about the dog...maybe thats another way to stay connected to you.
Chin up Bro!

[Imageer]

MMF, I think she probably does miss the dog. However, I do think she is starting to miss the life we had. I think that has been slowly building for the last while now.

Gman, Post all you want. At about a month in to this, I realized that if we were to get through this, I was going to have to be her friend rather than her advesary. I still maintain that. On a daily basis, I try to treat her like my W. Sometimes she comes to me or will open up to me if I ask her. Soetimes not. I admit, this isn't always easy. There has been times when I wanted to jump down her throat or get mad at her for something she has shared. However, I have bitten my tonge mostly becasue I want her to continue to come to me.

[Imageer]

I got a phone call about about 7:30 this morning. It was W telling me that the dogs were fighting terribly and that she needed to drop our dog off at my office because she couldn't leave them alone. We agreeed that we would try again on Friday evening so that she could be with them over the weekend to see if they would calm down around each other. If it doesn't work with the dog living with her it will mean that she will be forced to choose the mutt that OW brought home a month or so ago over our dog that she has had and loved for 12 years. More importantly, it will mean that she will be forced to accept that she can never have our dog again as long as she is in the R with OW. It becomes yet another cost of her choices.

I met with W at around 8:30 and she dropped off the dog. She ended up staying and chatting for about 15 minutes.

When she arrived. I noticed right away that she looked like she was about to start crying. I asked her if she was ok and she said that she was and that she was just tired. I could tell she was tired and she was yawning but I still wonder if she was making an excuse.

During our conversation, it came up that W went for a job interview yesterday. She said that she hated her job and hated the people that she works with. She says that they all talk behind her back and pick on every little thing she does wrong. Personally I think it is because her actions and lifestyle give them lots to talk about and she has admitted to me in the past that she is having trouble with her job. Like I have said in the past this is very unusual for W who has always excelled at her job and gotten along very well with her coworkers.

W went on to say that the place that she works at now pays very well and to move she will have to take a pay cut. We'll see how she handles that but I don't think she can afford to take a paycut. Especially now that she has bought a house.

The job things is important to this whole mess to me. She left a job that she loved so that she would make more money so that she could leave me. Now it has become yet another source of pain caused by her choices.

I don't know what her friends have done to her but in the 15 minutes that we talked she said f**k about 8 to 10 times while discribing how the dogs got along. She has never sworn this much before the bomb.

[Gman3388]

If it doesn't work with the dog living with her it will mean that she will be forced to choose the mutt that OW brought home a month or so ago over our dog that she has had and loved for 12 years. More importantly, it will mean that she will be forced to accept that she can never have our dog again as long as she is in the R with OW. It becomes yet another cost of her choices.

This will be interesting.... how much do you wanna bet if she keeps your dog that could just be the beginning of the end of their relationship.

don't know what her friends have done to her but in the 15 minutes that we talked she said f**k about 8 to 10 times while discribing how the dogs got along. She has never sworn this much before the bomb.

There are times where my W cuss's like a sailor and she never really did.... all part of the alien I guess :P

[missmyfriend]

The cussing is part of my Ws vocabulary now as well, Imageer. I used to slip with some pretty bad language in the past and she would wince whenever I did. My children have commented to me that they are surprised when she cusses. Around me, she not only will cuss but use contemporary slang.

The sadness that you are seeing and the exhaustion sound similar as well. She may or may not be aware on a conscious level where it may be coming from, if it is coming from any questions about the impact of her decisions.

I agree that she will "suffer" if your dog becomes another casualty from this. My W usually buries it deep and acts "as if" so she can cope. I believe that my W is having more and more challenges burying the "bodies" as it is getting over occupied.

Imageer, our situations are unique. In some ways, it is much worse than others with spouses that have walked away from their families. In others, it is better. It is unlikely that my W (and possibly yours) will go to the arms of another man. I feel for those that spouse gets remarried to someone else, possibly closing the door forever to any hope of reconciliation.

For you and me, if our Ws can get past this lifestyle and not make it a permanent part of them, and can truly work on the issues that are causing this behavior, a marriage and family can be restored.

No one can say what is going to happen but I will say, with what you have shared, that your W appears to not be "over you". And I don't believe she is a cake eater like we see with so many others.

I think there is a real battle going on inside of her.

Your continued stance of loving her, from a distance, is something that may be returned some day.

I look at it this way, in my sitch, even if it is not returned to me, I won't have any regrets that I was standing by her side (even though she may not see that) and taking care of our family while she is going through this.

Knowing my Ws history concerning what she has gone through in her life, she is not a person who has dealt with her issues. Her choice over the last two years is further evidence of her trying to ignore her past. She has gone back and forth between "it happened" and "it didn't happen". This past weekend, she is back to "it happened" and she was nearly crying about being tired and frustrated about work. She is considering a career change which is incredible since counseling is the field she has wanted to go into for as long as I have known her. She has been in her field for less than two years and now she is considering a monumental change in career. And she is asking me my opinion. I am giving her my opinion as a friend would without any vested interest. I want to give her the best advice I can, since she is asking.

On the other hand, I only provide her with information she asks for and try not to go into too much detail. I don't want to appear eager or overwhelm her.

I believe that your W is seeking your counsel on different things because she trusts you. You have shown to her that you care about her. The real her.

You are a good man, Imageer.

[Imageer]

Gman,

I have noticed a few things in the past that say to me that their R is slowly burning out already. That have been together since last April so thay have already lasted langer than most A's as I undrstand it. However, I think the dog thing would be another burden on them. Unfortunately, they have bound themselves together by buying a house together. That will make a split harder and more drawn out.

I think the swearing comes from the pain that they carry around. Things are not going as they hoped it would. They are generally not happy people and it shows sometimes.

[Imageer]

MMF, I truly believe that they will get past this. I look at my W and I just don't see this lasting for ever. It doesn't add up if you know what I mean.

A week after W left she told me that she was unsure of what she had done. Ofcourse, not knowing anything at that point, I pushed her terribly and drove her away. However, I still think that she is unsure. I tend to think that she sees the life that she thinks she wants contrasted with what she knows is right and I think there is a real battle in her. Add this to the long standing emotional and confidence issues that I think are within her and here we are.

I'm amazed at the recurring delusion and denial that your W shows. To move back and forth on whether an event happened shows some serious issues going on inside her. She is actively repressing and then thinking about (I almost want to say reliving) traumatic events in her past. This is not healthy.

I am glad that she is wanting to get away from her field. We have talked in the past about how the people that she works will validate her actions. I'm sure she is also exposed to things that do not encourage her to live a stable life. Changing careers could be a first step in the right direction.

[Imageer]

It ended up that W isn't taking the dog. She sounds like she wanted to but the hyper mutt that OW brought home is too agressive and she is afraid he will hurt our dog. I think W is disappointed.

[missmyfriend]

Ima, my W admitted to our C back when she was about to leave that she does build up walls as her coping mechanism. Our C said that it is understandable to take that tact but it has long standing negative repercussions, preventing serious limitations on emotional growth and relationships. She said that she knows that (and she does because that is a common problem area that is discussed in psychology and counseling degrees) but it works for her.

I believe her walls have become so tall that she has created emotional breaks within herself that cause her recall to be sketchy. I think her walls start to fall and she recalls things that are painful so she starts to rebuild them again, hiding once again, forgetting the past. She refuses to deal with her issues.

This is not my theory or guess work. She has shared this with me during our years together. I assumed incorrectly that since she shared this with me, that she was dealing with her issues by trusting me. My mistake.

Remember when I shared with you when my W broke up with me after a little more than a year of dating? She had just started her sophomore year in college and started her concentration in her core subject: Psychology. Not that all was a bed of roses after we got back together again or during our marriage but she was close to the children and with me until she started her masters program 1 1/2 years before she left. I have no idea whether it is related or not. This may be me applying false logic.

I will agree that her leaving that profession will, at least, be good for her. I truly want her to be happy.

Have a great weekend!