am concerned about the apology letter to OM. Why would I do that ?
Yeah, I think maybe 4 years on, an apology letter is not really the most appropriate thing. Sorry I misunderstood the timeline.
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After my horrible day H turned up at my business where he is security on Thursday night as if nothing had happened. He asked if our girls wanted to go to rugby and dinner with him and his mum on Saturday night and then he tentatively asked if I would like to go. i said thanks but no thanks --- Was this a mistake?
Sorry you had a horrible day.
Not sure why you would decline the invitation from your husband? If you don't want to be separated, then why not positively respond to his invitations?
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Would not going make it seem like he could question my honesty and integrity without apologising for it once it was found to be unfoundered ? How much more should I take.....
Did you decline the invitation as a way to demonstrate your disapproval of his behavior, of his questioning your honesty and integrity? Or you just couldn't stand to be with him after he questioned your integrity?
If either is true, then (and please forgive me if this is ungentle)your behavior seems either passive-aggressive to me, or very sensitive. Maybe it is a little of both. Either way it will not bring him back.
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Wanna try a thought experiment? Imagine yourself to be a rugby player. You have played rugby for years, and you are very good at what you do. Over the years, your career has been steadily improving. You have the statistics, showing very high performance relative to others in the league, and also showing improvement over time. A few years back, you had a down year, you were injured, and your performance was way off what it normally would have been. But since then you have been healthy, you have returned to your normal level of performance, and you've even exceeded it. Today, you feel that you know yourself well, and you are very confident that you are "a very good rugby player."
Now suppose someone comes to you and questions your ability as a player. In your mindset, you know it is not true. You are supremely confident that your record speaks for itself. What do you do? Probably you don't even respond to that sort of comment or question. Just dismiss it silently. Without a further thought. You wouldn't even dignify it with a response.
Now suppose someone whose opinion you trust says the same thing. Remember, your confidence in your own ability as a rugby player is solid. How would you respond? You would probably think to yourself - what is it about this person that would make them say these things? Why would they have such a different perspective than I do on this situation?
If you wanted to discuss it with that person, you would probably even directly ask the person - what makes you say that? You would want to learn more. Or, if you didn't want to discuss it, you might just consider for yourself. Just think about it yourself and see if you can find a reason why that person would doubt or question your ability as a rugby player.
On the other hand if you were not so confident in your own ability, hearing doubts from somone, even someone you don't know and respect, might lead you to react negatively - to argue, feel slighted or insulted, to act defensively.
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I know you hate the fact that he questions you. I know. And you feel it is unjustified. His doubts are completely unfounded, and unfair to you. You have a good point. Why would he do this? How can he do this to you?
Regardless of the answers to those questions, it seems clear that for a positive outcome, one of you is going to have to be strong and rise above the difficult circumstances.
I met a wise old counselor who's first principle was: First you must restore the feeling of goodwill toward your spouse. You must have compassion and respect, despite all the bad things that have occurred. You must be willing to put the past behind you. For this counselor, Goodwill was the starting point.
Goodwill allows one to forgive the slights, to be more patient, to overlook the mistakes and the inevitable bumps in the road. Goodwill.
If you cannot find goodwill in your heart for your spouse, then maybe you need to find some goodwill and compassion for yourself, first.
This sounds sorta airy-fairy, but it brings me back to what I said earlier. You gotta feel good about yourself in order to respond positively to others. You gotta be strong FOR YOU. Love YOU.
