Hi grant, how are you making it today? I know it seems awful at times, but like one man said....he did not want to wait...he wanted it to happen right now! Well, that isn't the way it works. I think most women have more patient than men....maybe we had to since we were the ones to have the babies, etc. At any rate, that is one trait that must be learned is patient. Men do not seem to realize how long most women kept their pain and unhappiness locked up and then when they could not take it anymore, they had to get away from all of it......the man just falls apart and expects the woman to change back over-night simply b/c he has made a few 180's.....well, sorry charlie, but that just doesn't happen. I am glad that you have seen that it will take a slow and consistant process of being determined to be the better man and outshine the OM. I think in your case, that is exactly what you need to do.
The thing that you have going for you is that you still are in love with your wife and want to fight to save your M. That is a wonderful and great gift! It is when you don't feel anything at all, and yet b/c of your religious beliefs, or whatever, that you need to stay in the M, it is so horrible. That is very, very hard to do. When I read about how you could look at your wife and see how beautiful she was and you still desired her.....I thought how much I wished I could do the same thing toward my H. It would be so much easier if I had the "want to" and the desire to fight to have a great MR. But, when you feel dead inside, it is difficult--to say the least.
I have not given up.....I don't want you to think that. But, I'm just talking about our stitch and our feelings, etc. When I made the choice to stay in my M b/c I knew that was the "right" thing to do and that I could not support myself.....and that the OM had never said he would marry me......oh......BTW, he did say he would come get me.....and he did say he would take care of me.....but you know, at my age you have to think about things like insurance and what happens when I have to drop mine and if he didn't marry me then what would happen when he got tired of me or if things didn't work out all rosey like? I promise, when you get older and start to have a "fling", it is different than when you are young and can just walk out and not have to think about these things. I could have messed myself up very badly where health, doctors, insuranace, etc. was concerned. That will kind of knock the romance right out of things, but it is a fact of life and a woman needs to think about these matters. It's not like I can go get a job just anywhere or that the insurance co. would carry me. Oh the OM talked a very good talk......I mean, he had me convinced that he meant every word he said, but now that I have had time to think about it with my head out of the fog......I think he would have said anything to get in my panties. But the "m" word never came out of his mouth, which I couldn't really blame him until we had been together, we didn't know how we really would be toward each other, so it just makes sense to wait until you meet in person. But still, I would have been stepping out on very blind faith to have left my home, family, job, benefits, etc. to go to a man that could have thrown me out of his house in a couple of days and told me I was on my own. Still and all, I grieved for him when I broke it off. As I've said, it was the fantasy that I was really grieving for. It gave me new life and took a lot of boredom away for me......but on the other hand.... I will never forget my blood pressure shooting out the top of my head when I would nearly get caught on the computer talking to him. So, one has to ask themselves if it is worth it.
I know a lot of wives have problems with their H's and porn. It is different with men and women. I honestly think most men can look at porn and even MB while watching.....and yet desire their w's very much. But it is an addiction, just like the OM became my addiction, and I think it can consume your life. I don't think it would bother me to talk to my H about it......and I have a little bit lately, and he hasn't denied it. I have suspected it for some time, but when the GS was living with us (who, BTW, is grown now, and not M) I thought it was him doing the "looking". When GS moved and I saw these adult sites still showing up in the "history" on the computer then I confronted H about it. I know he doesn't feel any emotional attachment.....it's just sex to a man. They can separate the sex and emotion and love.....where females don't seem to do that so easily. But, what I do have a problem with is that my H acted so "self-righteous" to me about my behavior when all the time, he was having his own issues. But, I don't think he sees them as a "problem". He is just "looking". What is sad is the fact that when I was younger, I probably would have been very upset and jealous that he was "looking"......but now I don't feel anything other than the fact of his self-righteous attitude he had taken with me (I find that rather ironic!) but, he sees it differently. I really wished he would agree for us to talk to a professional, but he would die before consenting to do that. He would tell you that he doesn't have a problem.....and maybe he doesn't....but it is a temtation that he is giving place to, and that's not good. To think how guilty he made me feel and then to find this out!
Anyway, you are doing the right steps. Yo ure dealing with your issues and trying to get yourself straighten out and you are working at being a friend to your W. You will be suprised at how well that can work in your favor if you don't become a door mat. That is very important! I have to go for now, but I will talk more about your stitch next time....I promise...lol.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
