Hi Julia. If we both come into some money, we could meet in NYC and rave until we can't stand up
No, W's computer is sitting in the middle of the living room floor waiting for me to install some more software on it.
Somebody go fetch ladybug, I've got a beat down coming.
So, W had a funeral to go to yesterday. A friend's brother shot himself in the head. I asked her if she knew the man, she said that yes, she'd met him and her friend's family. This got things going again.
I'm really struggling with things. I have the kids 99% of the time. Yes, Mom drives them to school most mornings and soon all mornings, and yes, she stays with the littlest one since she only has afternoon kindergarten. Other than that, W doesn't see or spend time with the kids.
I make the money in this family well, 90% of the money and it isn't enough to prop up W's separate life and see that the kids are cared for after school until I can get home.
I work an hour plus away from the house which means that I've got to stretch their forbearance to leave way early these last 2 weeks so that I can pick up the kids after school. I'm trying to find another job because there is a very good chance that mine will be going away in the middle of next year and the commute of course is horrible.
Here I am trying to keep things together and get the kids fed and keep the house in some reasonable semblance of clean and it isn't happening. Of course, W translates that into the kids aren't being cared for, they have no boundaries and it's time for her to step it up. Her idea of stepping things up is I guess that she takes them to school in the morning and watches the little one.
On top of all this, I'm angry and depressed and lonely and angry and worn out and lonely and angry and afraid and torn between wanting a safe to fall on W and wanting things to work out.
Seriously, are we all insane? I went back through the text messages I copied from W's phone however many weeks back and put them into logical order. I had to copy from inbox and sent. I had forgotten what a unfaithful story they imply. There was nothing explicit, just things that a faithful spouse wouldn't say and do. So, I snooped again today. It's been about 6 weeks and it's been hard. The comment about the funeral and the family etc. got to me and I'm sick and tired of bleeding my life out for her and for the kids and for the house and what do I have to show for it?
Jack is what.
Don't misunderstand, I love my kids. In fact I just had D12 in here crying on my shoulder because as we were rounding the bend toward home, we saw what looked like W's car three cars ahead of us, but, she was supposed to be at work and so wasn't coming to the house. D12 misses her Mom a lot.
I ask again, are we insane? So, I've got a whole bunch of circumstantial evidence that points to an unfaithful wife. I spent some time over in the Infidelity forum and I'm happy for Puppy Dog Tails and others who have succeeded in rebuilding in the face of that. But, I'm looking at things and I'm pissed. So, let's see, MWD writes an article that if there is infidelity, then you the LBS have a lot of investigative work to do to figure out why you weren't good enough. Then, you work like a slave and make huge massive deep identity level changes in your life and MAYBE they'll be drawn back. But, wait there's more. Odds are pretty small that you'll get an apology in fact some may continue to deny that anything untoward happened at all. I seriously must be missing something because I don't see the justice in any of that.
I'm certainly not saying that I was perfect. I have changed and grown and I'm going to continue to change and grow. But, when I think about the work that I'm putting in and the burden that I'm carrying and the pain and anguish and anger that I'm having to deal with all for the HOPE of a reconciliation and a MAYBE, but, not very likely apology, I'm pretty fed up with it all.
So, I've been thinking W let a male friend pay for a condo up in the mountains for the weekend. How many of you ladies would call that acceptable behavior? We have Labor Day coming up and I'm tempted to hire someone to prove or disprove her faithfulness and if she's faithful, I'll knuckle down and bear the pain and the hurt and the hard work and the loneliness and keep working on this, and if she isn't, then I'll file for a divorce and let her be the one standing there with her jaw on the floor wondering who is this man because the man she knows wouldn't do that.
