God give me the patience and the strength...6

[theotherhalf]

H changed jobs 2 weeks ago. Insurance ends Aug 31st. At the new job it is a "starting from the ground up new company". Owners are H's old bosses before "old" company sell out. (follow??) Right now there is only 2 owners, H, and 2 part-timers. The don't have insurance. So...they told H they could get him on with one of their personal companies and they would help pay for it. Okay. Well waiting on H to get info from the guy so we can get that going. Today, his answer was..."talked to Mike and he said the info should be coming in the mail. He would call them again tomorrow. That is where it is at.

Okay WCW, I hear what your saying but...by me not being here won't that make him feel that I don't want to be around him? And I don't know how much it will protect me, because I DO enjoy spending time with him, and miss him when I miss him. I am trying to tell myself to be "still". Enjoy the times together, make the most of them and be happy with that. But it just sucks when he leaves, whether he is here 5 min or 5 hrs.

But then again, I am wondering what would happen if I changed the cycle here. If I did as you all say, and stop being so available. I wonder if he WOULD really miss me or start to pursue me. I guess watching the R with him and D17 makes me think not. She avoids him at all costs most of the time. She is fine with him when she has to be but really does avoid him. H doesn't pursue her. He lets her be. Like he's accepted that she doesn't want to spend time or talk to him. They'll talk some when they are put together but neither will seek the other out. Neither will make a point to call the other or keep in touch.

[LL44]

I admit I do shake my head from time to time because you haven't changed a thing. You would still take H back in a heartbeat.

by me not being here won't that make him feel that I don't want to be around him?

SO???? Why do you care what HE thinks!? He is a grown up and will realize "Hmm, maybe TOH doesn't want to be around me because I have treated her so poorly, oh yeah, and I am actively cheating on her, not supporting her, not keeping up my end of the H deals". LET HIM MISS YOU. Be selfish with your time, keep it to yourself. He just hurts you with his indecision.

If he doesn't handle the insurance soon, I would see a lawyer. Something major could happen (appendix, broken arm, etc) and you could owe $50,000 in the blink of an eye.

[theotherhalf]

Your right lwb, I would. Is that so wrong? I have said sooo many times. No matter what has happened. My feelings never change. What "I" want for MY life doesn't change. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone else or alone. I meant what I said 8/9/86 "for better for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part".

"Why do you care what HE thinks!?" Because I want him to know that I do still love him. That I forgive him. That I want him to come home.

I am really NOT saying that he could come here today with bags at hand and just move right back in. Not that simple. I just pray to get to the point that he WANTS to. To the time when he is trully DONE with OW because he WANTS to be. To the moment that he says "I still love you". Then and only then can we begin to start new. Then and only then we can work on what has to happen in order for him to come home.


"I have treated her so poorly, oh yeah, and I am actively cheating on her, not supporting her, not keeping up my end of the H deals". "
Your so right, but not my job to punish him. That's between him and God. Also there will be time down the road to deal with all that and "mend the fences".

[theotherhalf]

and your 100% right on about the insurance.

[LL44]

Your right lwb, I would. Is that so wrong?

Its not wrong, per say, but would be so unfair to you. If your H came back tonight, you would let him stay, make love with him and do anything to make him happy and comfortable.

Where would YOU fit in?? He is at a bad point in his life where he would feel he is doing YOU a favor by coming back. That 'coming back' would be all he had to do....

And yes, I do hope he gets himself to a place that he wants to come back. But you canNOT tell him he should want to come back. He won't hear it.

Because I want him to know that I do still love him. That I forgive him. That I want him to come home.

Oh TOH, can you count how many times you have told him those things, even in the last week? He knows. It will come across as pathetic if you keep telling him. I have to stop myself from telling H these things too. Its not easy, but I promise you he knows.

He wants you independent and secure. If you do things without him, not be there when he is over, etc, he'll start to see you, in a different light, and that's a good thing.

Do you honestly forgive him? For everything? That's great that you are there. I know I'm not.

Your so right, but not my job to punish him

Its also not your job to provide a sinner a cushy place to land.

[LL44]

And PS, I have an abnormal fear of not being insured, lol. Its just the 'what if's' out there that terrify me!!! But I hope he realizes how important it is for ALL of you to be covered.

[theotherhalf]

yes, I would let him stay, I would luv to ML to him (just been sex for probably 2 years or more) but NO not do anything to make him happy. I can't do that anymore. Try to keep peace for all of us,yes, but I won't lay down for him anymore. I won't be a 3rd party in this M. I won't take his meanness. I won't be DO just anything or BE just anyone anymore.

He is at a bad point in his life where he would feel he is doing YOU a favor by coming back. That 'coming back' would be all he had to do....

Your right about this...that is why I say there is work to be done before he can "really" come home.

Oh TOH, can you count how many times you have told him those things, even in the last week? He knows. It will come across as pathetic if you keep telling him. I have to stop myself from telling H these things too. Its not easy, but I promise you he knows.

No I can't. And for a long time I knew he wasn't hearing me. And I believed that if I just said it one more time. Or said it in the right way or at the right time. He would listen. I was wrong. And your right, I do believe he knows. But it doesn't matter what I want. I haven't said any of these things for awhile now. I finally GOT that part of this. It finally registered that it was only falling on deaf ears and it really doesn't matter right now anyway. So I did stop. Oh, i tell him all the time that I love him and that I miss him. But that is here in my bedroom at night, alone, before I go to sleep. And then I pray for me, my girls, and my H. And for all of you too.

He wants you independent and secure.

This confuses me. They go to the OW because they can save her. They feel sorry for her and want to be her saviour. She is weak, pathetic, etc...(i believe this is what led H to OW). Then why is it everyone says they don't want us this way???? That that only chases them farther away.

If you do things without him, not be there when he is over, etc, he'll start to see you, in a different light, and that's a good thing.

I'm not so sure...

Do you honestly forgive him? For everything?

Trust me I am still angry, a little, I am hurt, I still ask why, but I really feel I have forgiven him because I don't dwell on what has happened. It happened, it hurt me terribly and our girls, but I can't change it, he can't either, he can't take it back. I really believe in my soul that H didn't intentionally do any of this and I almost feel as sad for him as I do for us. Does that make sense? I believe that something terrible has happened to my H and he is very very lost. What good does it do to hold on to all of the crap that has went on this past 1 1/2? I guess for me I have to let that all go in order to make room to deal with what is going on today, and what will happen tomorrow.

[WCW]

I am wondering what would happen if I changed the cycle here. If I did as you all say, and stop being so available. I wonder if he WOULD really miss me or start to pursue me.

I think I can I think I can I think I can..... Try it. Don't be afraid to live your life because H may or may not whatever.

The insurance - sounds like a small company start up and those 2 new owners are swimming in what's next. Since they don't have any company insurance try to suggest that they help pay for Cobra from the last job until the next policy will kick in.

Any good weekend plans?

[theotherhalf]

No plans for the weekend WCW. May go to near by town one day to see what's going on. (have "Saurkraut Days") Other than that, nothing. Probably just piddle dink at home.

And not afraid to live my life because of H. I went through and did all that. I would go out and not tell him where I was or what I was doing. I would leave when he got here. It doesn't matter. I don't leave now because I LIKE being home. I am a homebody. It's what I do. If I leave to avoid him it's just that. To get a reaction out of him. I feel like it's a game and I don't want to play anymore.

But I do wonder if it would break the cycle, change things.

[theotherhalf]

old timers....

does there ever come a time that the MLC'r seems to become his old self and still stays gone?

H was here this morning to pick up some paperwork. He just seems so much like his old self lately but yet he still leaves. The anger is gone. The meanness is gone. He smiles. He laughs. He looks me dead in the eye. (I see love for me there, but it's what i WANT to see so maybe I'm kidding myself). He talks to me like he used to. He flirts. He makes jokes. It all seems so much like he used to be.

Maybe the storm is over but he really has made the decision to never come back to me. But then why does he not file for D?