OK, SD, my day has settled down from crazy to just aggravating. Why won't someone just pay me big bucks to hang out here on the BB and give advice and ask aggravating questions?
From what you've said about H, the "he doesn't want to hurt LW's feelings" bit just rings true to me. So, let's see - what do I suppose is going on in H's head?
In H's head, LW never was guilty (because she didn't really get it about his infatuation) and so it's not "fair" that she should be punished. Maybe he even considers her a special friend who in some unknowing way helped him make it through the dark times of his MLC.
In H's head, SD never knew about the unsent letter. Maybe she suspected something about his feeling for LW, but, hey that all ended "without anything ever coming of it...." So, H just doesn't get why SD has such a burr up her butt about this.
In H's head, H himself never acted out any of his MLC-inspired fantasies about LW. So, heck, HE is not even "guilty." Maybe he even soothes himself with the idea that he had the good sense and courage never to actually go out and HAVE that affair. (You and I would have a different opinion on that issue, fer sure! But remember, we're talking about what somebody who was really messed up has to tell himself to get through the day....)
So, what to do? Well, I suspect it may mean either pushing on the issue and bringing it to a head, or just plain letting it go.
One thing that I did wonder, you mentioned how much of your GALing is being done solo, rather than as a couple. There's a balance to be maintained there - maybe it's time to focus a tad more on some couple activities? Rather than forcing H to forget all about skanky ol' LW, what if your strategy was to make him so busy and engaged doing fun things with his beautiful wife that he forgot all about her, all on his own?
Also, I certainly understand how you are feeling torn about H's hesitation regarding kids. I think I posted to you a while back, we males can be pretty thick-headed and chicken-sh!t when it comes to taking that plunge. It doesn't mean he'll never step up or that he won't make a terrific dad - but it could mean he needs a little shove to get out of that no-kids-no-cares-no-obligations comfort zone. Give him a good nudge!
Rob
P.S. Jen has decided she needs a nice long mental vacation from the boards here. (Check her post on the "After Reconciling" board.) She asked me in a message on f@c3b00k to tell you that she's thinking of you. (We both think you need to get yourself a fb account, BTW!)
P.P.S. Fear not, you will always be that utterly amazing woman prancing around in her nighties to me!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
