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Your thought that "give up OM/OW and then open to reconciling, or get out" makes perfect sense to me. You shouldn't feel bad about that.

Be prepared when/if W comes back and wants to reconcile. List all the things she'd have to do and tell her that even if she did those things there is no guarantee, ...you are hurt. List would include full transparency, getting needed counseling on all her problems, reading x, x, and x books, going to retrouvaille, etc. If she really wants to work, and if there is any chance at all she would have to do anything and everything you ask of her (within reason).

((((jeff))))

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W came by to pick up the kids for school this morning and wanted to talk, said she didn't think she could go all week without seeing her kids, asked me again if she could come by everyday to pick up the kids and drop them off at school, she would just drive up and honk her horn so I would never have to see her. She started crying and I said I would think about it.

What should I tell her, I don't want to upset her, I don't want her going back to her L to fight for custody and I was also looking forward to taking the kids to school

The only solution I can think of is that when she has the kids every other weekend (Sat and Sun) that she can take the kids to school the following week (Mon - Fri) and every other (Sat - Sun) that I have the kids, I get to take them to school the following week (Mon - Fri) I will still have the kids every night after school and they will only stay at her apartment every other Saturday night, she will drop them off back at my house Sunday night.

M45
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never

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You could always let her do it on set days like Tuesday and Thursday. That would give her maybe enough to ease her mind and not go to her L. Other than that you do want her to "feel" where her choices have landed her.

You also want to find peace for yourself. I know that you will. I am here to talk if you need to. Hugs,

kat


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JeffSTL Offline OP
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Quote:
kat: you do want her to "feel" where her choices have landed her.
its to early I have to be accommodating until D is final - I'm really walking on thin ice right now all the paperwork is being prepared, So I don't want to upset her right now, once everything is done, then I'll feel a little better about telling her no on stuff.

I don't know if she will go for the Tues/Thur idea at least I can sell her on the fact that I want to drop the kids off also and to be fair we will split it every other week



M45
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never

Last edited by JeffSTL; 08/25/08 05:55 PM.
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[quote=JeffSTL]
Quote:
I don't know if she will go for the Tues/Thur idea at least I can sell her on the fact that I want to drop the kids off also and to be fair we will split it every other week.
Jeff, I think that sounds great to me and should to your W, if you are fine with that. It sounds fair to me and then she will have those weeks where she feels the consequences too (when you take them). Karen


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Thanks for your input ladies, Karen I'm happy you are all right.

I will probably tell her every other week like I posted earlier.

When I found out she will have the kids on Sunday, I kept asking her if she is going to take them to church, she keeps telling me yes and I would love to see that, becasue they are a handful in church, they are so young they get bored very quick.


M45
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never

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Originally Posted By: JeffSTL
[its to early I have to be accommodating until D is final - I'm really walking on thin ice right now all the paperwork is being prepared


Jeff,

This MIGHT work, but I see two problems with it:

1) One man's "accommodation" is another man's "appeasement," and appeasement never works -- it only invites them to seek more power.

2) You are making "an assumption of goodwill", which, while it might be true of human interactions IN GENERAL, I DON'T think it's true in infidelity situations and other wayward situations where the opponent is not of a real sound mind at the moment.

Just my two cents.

Puppy

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Puppy, because she is so unstable right now,I don't know what else to do, if I tell her no I'll take the kids to school she might go back to L and fight for custody.

she is going to be working every night except Sat and Sun, if she takes the kids, then she can take them to school the next week.

I don't suspect she will even keep the every other weekend schedule becasue that will cut into her social life.

Like I posted ealier, we have been seperated for 3 months now and she hasn't once taken the kids for a weekend.

She hasn't had to deal with the kids being kids, I don't know what she is going to do with them in her small apartment, she has already told the kids to be quiet on several occasions when they were over there during the day, because of an elder lady who lives below her. I can just see the kids jumping on the beds being kids, etc.

M45
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never

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Originally Posted By: JeffSTL
Puppy, because she is so unstable right now,I don't know what else to do, if I tell her no I'll take the kids to school she might go back to L and fight for custody.

Yeah, tough spot b/c I know I've heard at least in my state that moms tend to get custody unless they are really horrible: like beating the kids or whatever. Don't know if that is true where you live. Have you talked to a L, b/c maybe she wouldn't be able to get custody b/c of some of the stuff she's done/not done in the past? And where are you? Are you busy and having the time of your life hopefully? \:\) Karen


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Quote:
Karen: Have you talked to a L, b/c maybe she wouldn't be able to get custody b/c of some of the stuff she's done/not done in the past?
The way the papers are being drawn up, I have full physical custody and we share legal custody (decisions about kids upbringing), she attempted to push for 50/50 physical custody but I would not accept that because she could hit me with child support, she said she wouldn't and I told her I couldn't trust her. I told her I would not stand in her way if she wanted to see the kids and she knows that I have never lied to her, so she agreed to let me have full physical custody. I don't want to get into a situation where I have to fight her for custody, it would be ugly, would take time and money and I don't want to go through all that.

Quote:
Karen: And where are you? Are you busy and having the time of your life hopefully?
I'm so very busy, there is so much work to do at the house cleaning, laundry, baths, yard work, homework, dinner, dishes, and on and on and on. I wouldn't say I'm having the time of my life, but walking upstairs to the kids room before I wake them up for school and seeing them lying there all peaceful and quiet like little angles melts my heart.

W is going to take them next weekend for the first time (its been 3 months since she moved out) so I'll have some time to myself, nothing exciting planned, will work around the house, going to church without the kids is going to hurt.

M45
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never

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