Is he starting to come home?

[No Longer BH]

Thanks for the encouraging words ROOT. I am trying to invite H to do things only every so often. Non threatening kind of things. Dont want to seem to pushy. I did leap into a sitch with him without meaning too, it just slipped out. I have invited H to a concert that we both love because the person I was going to go with had to cancel. It kind of came out by accident. He first said, wow, didnt expect that from you, then said I need some time to think about it. I respond with, "If you need time to think about it then it prob is not a good idea. I really did not mean it. I just had an extra ticket and did not want to go alone." He's like "No,no, just give me a day to think on it." I said I had to have an answer by Friday. He said he would tell me on Wednesday. Well, I did not hear anything from him today concerning it at all. Here are my different scenarios to respond with:

1. He agrees by Friday: thanks, I appreciate it because I did not want to go alone. We can just meet there and enjoy it as friends.

2. I dont hear from him at all: Say nothing about it and just find someone else to go with.

3. He says no: I say' "I was just going to talk to you about that. Turns out my friend just said they could go so was going to ask you if it was ok not to go. You really got me out of a bind in that one."

See, I think I have learned enough from DBing to be able to turn a potenial bad into a good (artificially trying to gain confidence that all will be ok). If he says no, I will take it as a sign to back off some and let him have his space. Just means he is not ready yet. Like Leni said, "You can either have faith or fear. There is no room for both. I you fear that he will walk away then you put that energy out to the universe, so the universe will make sure that is exactly what happens. Have faith that he will come back and the universe will work its wonders to make that happen." I chose FAITH.

I would love to hear from others their thoughts as well.

[No Longer BH]

Just wanted to post this as well: I just found that my H bought me my favorite cookie and left it for me. How can I not see that as a baby step?

[Ready2Change]

I still keep everything very happy, friendly when we are together, trying not to put any kind of pressure on the moment. We are joking with each other again and that is nice

Nice! Baby steps!

I have started following your sitch, may try to catch up if time permits....

I am more focused on helping newbies at the moment.....They need our support!

[No Longer BH]

Ready, I so agree. I need to go over to the newbies forum as well. I have learned so many things in this travel and telling others at the begining not only reminds us what we still need to be doing, but also shows us how far we have come.

Got an email from H today wanting to schedule the mediation appointment. At first I felt hurt because things are going so well between us, then I took a step back and looked at it from what might be his perspective. When he left me he was in the midst of a sever depression. He equated the pain he was feeling with me. He felt so much hurt that he had to run away from that pain. Now, things are started to feel like old times (the good ones)to some degree and even old feelings might be starting to stir. When the only thing you have been telling yourself for months is that you must D to end the pain, having these kind of feelings would be very scary. I see the reason why his actions are somtimes very confusing is because he is conflicted. He is enjoying the new me. I think he really likes all of the changes I have made, but is terrified that the old desperate me will come out. He prob just got overwhelmed by his emotions so decided to get some control back and made the mediation appointment. This gives his scared side comfort that he still is not going to be hurt anymore.

At least this is what I am telling myself. It gives me hope and I can walk into mediaiton with a smile on my face because he needs to see that I truly am a different person, not an act. I am backing off for now so that he can have his space and to let the fearful thoughts running through his head calm down. Plus, this goes with the whole inconsistant theory as well.

Again, it would be helpful to hear if this is similar to what others have expierenced. Even at this stage in the game, we all need hope. Thanks.

[No Longer BH]

H went to his IC appointment today and then started to IM me. I was shocked to see that little chat box pop up on my screen. He has not done that in over 6 months. He wanted to ask some questins about some bills (he is going to be seeing me tonight for ciriculum night at S school so he could have waited until then but did not) and then was joking around with me again. So despite this mornings issues, I still am chosing to see this as another baby step from him. Still, I need to back off some. Any suggestions on how to distance myself without seeming mad or cold? Want to make more mystery but I am not too good at that.

[Ready2Change]

Sounds like your R is making progress. There definitely is a balancing act that you need to do.

Here is my 2Cents (just thinking out loud):

So you want to back off some and add mystery. Lets start with the way you dress tonight. How would he expect you to dress? Can you dress different? (like you have a date??)

Don't linger around H tonight. If/when H approaches, be nice, then move to other parents and have "fun conversations". Laugh with them (You are fun to be around, others like being with you, they have no walls).

Be first to leave (you are excited about going out tonight).

[No Longer BH]

Ready, its like you read my mind. I was planning on sitting with other parents, not saving him a seat or sitting anywhere near him. I was going to go a little early to make sure I was with some of my friends. I will be polite and cheerful, but not stick around to talk. I got things to do!

Thanks for the advise.

[Ready2Change]

NP. Let us know how it goes tonight!

[runningoutoftime]

BH,

Until he actually wants to stop this thing you are IN DIVORCE!!!

Hopefully that helps you detach. Now go there looking HOT HOT HOT tonight!!! And leave early. Mystery!!!

[No Longer BH]

Ok, so here is how it went. I showed up with my female possy of friends, all smiles and laughs. H shows up a few minutes later and comes over to say high. I say howdy then walk away to go and sit with my friends. He ends up standing at the back during the whole school thingy. After we break up to go up to the classroom, he follows me up like a puppy and sits right next to me. Kept leaning in to talk to me and joke around with me. I was fun, but detached. I did not lean into to him or start any conversations. Then he leans over and says "I know I prob should not say this here, but after we get D I really think that we should try and get aid to get S back into his old school. This one is nothing like what he had. I know its a great school, much better than the one we went to, but I still think we should try for the other one." I smiled and said I agree. Then my friend came and sat next to me and I turned and joked around with her. After teacher was done talking, He wandered around like a lost puppy again while I talked to friends, then he came over and said bye he was leaving. I said bye, thanks for coming then continued to talk to my friends.

I know they say dont believe anything they say and half of what they do. Even my friend said that he was sending out mixed signals. I think he is just in internal conflict at the moment and trying to keep his resistance up. Does this sound like the termoil that a WAS goes through before becoming brave enough to want to recommit? He has always been a stick my toe in the water before doing anything kind of guy. It takes him awhile to make a decision (except for getting a D). I just hope I am not reading too much into it. THere are so many moments now that feel like old times. Please, someone give me your opinion.