Maybe it's Midlife Crisis at any age?

[poet]

Well, I never got the chance to read any of ya'll's advice here before the H came home last night. And, that's OK because I think I handled it pretty well. No sooner did I get done typing and go to change my clothes, when he drove up. I never got the chance to paint my nails either.

Anyway, he came to the front door and rang the doorbell. What's that about? I guess it was his way of being polite. I answered it. He was walking away and turned back around and said, "What, now I can't come in and do my laundry?" (He meant because I was here). I put my head down and waved him in. I said, "No, that's fine because I'll be leaving anyway." As he was coming into the house, I just looked into his eyes and smiled and thought my thoughts as hard as I could. His eyes said he was unhappy and agitated. I hope my eyes were shining. He made a comment as he came in the house. "So you're not working anymore?" I said, "That's my business," very politely. (Sorry Puppy, but I have my reasons for saying this). "Great!" he said. "You can't even keep a job." I bit my tongue, ignored his statement and just walked into the computer room to wipe out the history on the puter and turn it off. Then I went out to the car for something, but as I was leaving, he followed me through the kitchen saying, "But I have two loads to do." I reassured him that I would not be home before he finishes both loads of laundry. I said, "That's fine, I'm going out with friends, and I won't be back until much later." At that time, I also mentioned the garbage and asked him politely if he could take it with him when he left. I said, "You, don't have to if you don't want to, but it would be nice if you did."

When, I came back in the house, he went out to his bronco and moved it forward so I could back out. He got his laundry, and went to the back porch where the washing machine and dryer reside. I had my own stuff in them. He took them out and spewed them on the couch while I was grabbing my keys and phone from the bedroom.

When I came back out to leave, he was making himself comfortable in the easy chair and about to read his newsapaper. That took me by surprise at how easy it is for him to settle in and ignore me. Oh, well.

I came out and stood in front of him of a few seconds, smiled, thought my thoughts again and said goodbye. He waved and smiled. Then I remembered that I had wanted to ask him about a hairbrush of mine that seems to be missing. He said he didn't have it and that, "There's nothing left of yours in the camper." I had to bite my tongue again. But I said goodbye and left.

Overall, I was very happy with my actions and responses. I felt very detached and I was happy with my lack of negativity. He, on the other hand, was also acting very unconcerned and unaware of me. Oh well. It's his loss.

I'm sure he was polite because of my attnys email today. I'm sure his attny read it to him or at least told him our response. What a silly game! It's like he believes everyone else but me. I'm sure that little exchange cost us a couple of hundred dollars.

Anyway, when I came home last night, all three bags of garbage were gone. One baby step accomplished!

cheers,
poet

[poet]

:/Hello everyone,
Although I never got to just pull out of the driveway when H was pulling in, I did do a lot of DBing. I must say that I felt pretty confident about it, but then last night as I went to bed, I mulled over the short term of events, and realized that his smile felt negative. If I were to put a label on it, I would have to believe it was a forced smile, one of sarcasm. I am sure he was happy that I left.

I'm pretty sad right now because I had a long talk with a one of my best friends this morning. She feels that I should try to get as much as I can in the divorce because she feels that he is "no good." He does have another woman. I'm sure of it now. I found out on Sunday night, and that is why I backslid. He is still denying it, and that in and of itself makes me very angry, sad and helpless. He does not love me even tho he won't admit that either. He comes home only when he believes I'm not there.

I have to try to detach and move on. I'm extremely hurt. He thinks I do *things* to hurt him. Has he no idea how he is hurting me? He has even been known to say to me, "I'm not hurting you."

I'm focused, but I'm in a lot of pain. Sometimes I just feel like throwing in the towel. My atty has not got back to me yet since the correspondence yesterday. H seemed very content yesterday and secure that he will get what he wants out of the D, and so I assume he's heard from his atty. about my response, even though he did not mention a word of it yesterday. I truly believe he's playing me. But worse, I'm SURE she is playing him and he's too dumb to realize it.

poet

[poet]

See, it's days like these, when I feel sick to my stomach and my body burns, when it would be most helpful to have someone, ANYone post to me.

Yes, I'm focused, but I'm also vulnerable to these hurt attacks. I miss TwinDad.

poet

[The Wifey]

I'm here, girl. Take some deep breaths. You assume he heard from his attorney, but he may not have. You are sure he doesn't love you, yet he told you when you asked last week that he cared about you. He called to worry about you when the tropical storm was coming through. He rang the doorbell yesterday rather than just walk in the door. You believe he's playing you and that she is playing him. I see him just being an angry guy that has no freakin' clue.

Now, another breath. One more. Great. Now, let me cheer you up a little.

He's living in that little camper. He may be spending money on the OW, but it isn't a lot if he's coming all the way home just to do laundry. He isn't living with the OW. She isn't living with him. Those are things you know.

This other stuff is filling in blanks. Guessing and probably not guessing correct.

You are going to be ok. Really you are. I'm here with you. We are all here with you.

Stay as dark as you can. I'm sure he wondered where you were going all pretty. We are going to get through this.

[sgctxok]

She's not as great as you.


Now REALLY go dark. REALLY.

I've read several places that men fall in love in your absence. Let him wonder where you are. Don't let him see you or hear your voice. Give him that chance.


Honey, it's probably going to feel worse many times, before you reach your ultimate goals here. You have to brace yourself. And you need backup support. You should check in with a doctor who can support you.

Wishing you the best.

[1hope]

Yes, I'm focused, but I'm also vulnerable to these hurt attacks. I miss TwinDad.

You don't know me well, but I'm here and reading along. I miss TD also. And I'm also scared because not a lot of other people post to me either.

We will all be ok. We are all in this together. Even if we can't talk to him I know that he will be wishing us well.

He helped many of us, and I know that there were several of us that he considered special friends.

Keep breathing. I will be back to check on you.

[Neilh23]

Poet---
remember, panic kills. Don't panic. It makes the sitch appear worse than it really is. You work on yourself...and that's all you can do. Listen to the advice you've been given...

breath.

relax.

you're going to be ok....

stay strong girl...i believe in you..

[craig54]

I do not get many posts either, but you are not alone.Stay calm. You will be allright.

[pat44]

Hi poet:

I just read your H encounter posts.

You did really well. You were calm. You responded with poise. You bit your tongue when appropriate - did not rise to take the bait - did not escalate. In fact, when H attempted to escalate conflict - you de-escalated. Remember - H can only see what is on the outside - not what is in your head.

I can see that you are thinking a lot about why H did what he did. The really sucky thing about life is that we really cannot read other peoples' minds - yet we waste so much energy trying... I do it all the time in all types of R's... Don't circle about what you think might be in H's head. It may not be the best - it may not be the worst either. You do not have to decide where H's head is today.

This whole DB'ing thing takes time to work. You are suppose to look for baby steps in progress. Baby steps - you did well. I do not see that you could have achieved anything more than you did during that encounter. And really if the man just did not want to bump into you - he could go to a laundromat or send his stuff to a laundry service. I think the goal was to create an environment that H could return to to do his laundry again. I think you succeeded.

Settlement is separate from DB'ing to save your M. It is tough b/c you have two normally contradictory situations. Avoid settlement talk yourself and use your attorney as your mouthpiece. If H says anything - you can say - "oh really I had no idea - I am just doing what my attorney is telling me to do." That distances you from the negotiations - let the attorneys be the bad guy - we are use to it.

Now that being said - I am a big proponent of fair settlements. If you are unreasonable and go for the jugular - it just makes things nastier and the only one that makes money are the attorneys. Also unfair settlements tend to be revisited - and really in the event you end up D - do you really want to spend your post-D years fighting H?

I am sorry if my DB lingo is a little off. It has been awhile. The posts I noticed from your were to FLTC and whatisis. You have the ability to take a step back and see the big picture and a compasionate approach to life - no matter what - do not allow this conflict to take that away from you.

take care,
AG

[BarbieDoll]

Well Poet,

When I was here daily (3 to 7 years ago) everyone posted to everyone else. I'm shocked that you didn't get replies. I'm also sorry I wasn't around. I'm away and using dialup on my laptop.

But I'm here now. And you can post to me ANY TIME on my thread under Surviving and I promise I will always get back to you. And so will my friends.

I remember having encounters with my H very similar to yours. And I think you did VERY well. You can think whatever you want to think in his presence but you had the right idea by being ready to go. He saw you. He got to see, most likely, some changes in you. But you didn't beg or plead. You have a life, right? You were mysterious. You had to get going.

And by him sitting in the recliner and reading the paper just like in the old days - he felt comfortable. He could remember how it used to be. ANd that is not a bad thing at all.

(((Poet))) Hugs to you! You did a very good job. Let your attorney handle the paperwork. It doesn't mean anything is over. It is something that needs to be done for your protection. But in the meantime. Know that you "DUN GOOD".

Barb