I think that my profession required me to really be rigidly tightly controlled b/c of my gender. And b/c it is male dominated and some of the not so nice things that I had to contend with - over time it infected my view of men in general and the way I carried myself, dressed, etc. I didn't want to admit it to myself - but it did.
I know I have great male friends and I know that many of my male colleagues have helped me get to where I am today - but they are safe and since my D I never let anyone in beyond the point of "male girlfriend." And quite frankly with my attitude these past few years - I pity the men that tried to cross that line b/c there was a huge no trespassing sign and I was ruthless when it came to enforcing it.
I didn't do this before my M AND I didn't do this BEFORE I became a patent attorney. I think both are relevant in how my brain is wired with respect to R's. Engineering world, while a challenge, was much more female friendly that patent world.
During my large law firm days, a good male friend/fellow patent attorney called me to talk about stuff and casually asked if I was dating. I remember snapping at him "I have to deal with men all day at work - do you honestly think I want deal with more of the same when go home." He said very quietly "You know we are not all like that." He is a friend that knows about and supported me through some of the gender-based issues I have faced at work.
I simply cannot afford to make mistakes at work b/c of my gender. I cannnot afford to show emotion b/c you get labelled as an emotional woman. The world is changing and it is getting easier - but we still have a ways to go. In any case, there is a part of me that felt like I failed in my M - I mean it ended - no better proof than that - right? And I could not handle facing the prospect of failing again. But really a healthy M does not end b/c you make a mistake - my brain was reactively mis-wired.
Emailing Man has been gently chipping away at my resistance over time. He is the one that sent me off to The Resort last year. And recently he has been talking about how R's are not perfect. He had this loving smile on his face that denotes genuine affection the one time he talked about silly things his W does. He prefaced that discussion with - "R's do not have to be perfect you know. I love my W - but she is not perfect." I want that again - I want someone that gives me permission to make mistakes. I can't make mistakes at work - I can't be that rigid and controlled at home. It is possible that makes me a higher maintanence R in some ways...
And as far as needing someone in my life. I do need and want a P in my life. I want the emotional intimacy (the physical would be nice again too ). I need the emotional support. I wasn't able to do that with The X. I can say it now - I need the emotional support that a P provides in a healthy R. I want someone to share my successes with and support me when things aren't so great.
Now the question of "supplies." For awhile I had no expectation or desire for an R - so really was much more open to no strings attached physical. This vacation will provide plenty of opportunities for that... Of course - now that I want the emotional - the physical aspect is not as compelling anymore... I think I will buy "supplies" - yes the old ones have actually expired - it has been that long.... And see how I feel when I am there... No need to decide at this moment what I will be doing 2-9 days from now.
In any case, I actually do have to get a few things out the door at work today. The fun goal today is going to the dive shop to upgrade and rent scuba gear for my trip.
Life is good - and even better when you can gently release the past and watch it float away...
). I need the emotional support. I wasn't able to do that with The X. I can say it now - I need the emotional support that a P provides in a healthy R. I want someone to share my successes with and support me when things aren't so great.