For the Guy with Kids and a WW 10

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Part of my confusion is that I am not really talking to her. Going as dark as possible considering the kids. Not being her friend. Not nothing. If my goal is to somehow reconcile(and I now question this, too)when do I know when its time to start to talk more? To try to break through her wall. If OM is in the picture still, I guess the time never comes. Of course, we're not even separated a month yet.

That's actually a great question, H4H. I'm not an expert, but I would say "When she makes what you are CERTAIN is a sincere move back toward you and your marriage, including no-contact w/OM."

[Sugar and Spice]

((((H4H)))) Just wanted to stop in and say "Hi". Your comment about purring made me crack up!

I also see you added a letter to the "Alphabet Girls"...so now we have B, N, Y & GBG? Man...its getting to be like an episode of Sesame Street!

[hopeful4her]

N is the one that went to Journey with us. N is single, but not any kind of possibility. Way too stuck on herself.

D is the one that texts me alot. Don't forget her.

There's M from one branch that I became friends with early last year. Beautiful young girl in her mid 20's. Phillipino. She had just moved here from Boston with her family. We just clicked. I would make fun of her asian look and Boston accent. It would crack me up. She lived for a short period in Florida with her boyfriend. Up and down relationship with them. They were on the down. I worked with her for about 2 months then I transfered. We kept in touch. She knew my story and she told me hers. Since I have left, her rollercoaster continued. He visited her late last year and she became PG. All of the sudden he was really gone. She just had the baby 3 months ago. She has had to file for support, he wants paternity tests, he has not tried to even see the baby...it is getting ugly. She emails me and calls every once in a while. She called me early last week to let me know her family decided to move back to Boston. The news made me sad. She thought about staying but it would be way too hard for her alone with a baby. She needs her family. She invited me out for some drinks before she leaves in a couple more weeks. She is such a good person and beautiful to bat. She says that what I'm doing is the best for me. She can't stand GBG and she doesn't know her. She knows how hard I tried and that I love GBG very much. Too much. She tells me to move one. I NEED to move on, she tells me. I've done EVERYTHING I can. She tells me that I need to make myself happy.

These are the types of friendships I have with a lot of women.

God puts good people in my path. I just wish they weren't so dang gorgeous.

Y took me to lunch today. Lots of talking.

I found myself doing something I have never done before. I was purposely talking to her and trying to see if I could get her to get more personal. PURPOSELY. It wasn't that I WANTED to know, it was to see if I could DO it. I have never purposely done that. I was trying to see how deep in convo we might get. Like testing her. Experimenting. I got her to tell me something that she says only one other person knows. The guy she thinks she is in love with. Her psycho day. Years ago. I have always let a conversation go where it goes. I've never purposely tried to have an end result. In the back of my mind, I kept hearing ya'lls voices.

I thought to myself "I'm in complete control of this conversation. I can lead her anywhere I want."

And I left it at that.

It was the strangest feeling. It's not like I just flat out asked her to tell me her little secret. I kind of worked it.

I thought about it afterwards. I'm not going to let myself be taken advantage of by anyone. I am the strong one. I don't care if it's GBG or anyone else. No vulture's gonna get me. I'm going to protect myself.

It was empowering. Like I told myself that if I really wanted to woo her, I really think I could. And that is all I wanted. I think I was testing myself too. Testing my self confidence and my self control.

What was I doing, because I feel really good about myself right now. As a man.

[lost_in_space]

H4H

Following up on S&S comment...

"Wanna buy a Q"?

[Tiara Boy (CM)]

H4H-

Hi there. You don't know me at all, but I saw that AttorneyTom posted to you, so I thought I might read.

I haven't been on here is a while, but figured it was time to get back on and check things out.

I'm seeing a lot of similarities. Between myself and you. And I'm sure I would see more with others on here. But I wanted to offer my .02.

I have found in retrospect that people in our situations go dark because we hope it will get our X's back. So are we really going dark or is it just a way of manipulating the situation so that in the end we still get what we think we want.

I say "what we think we want" b/c I don't honestly believe that we are entirely sure of what we really want. We as humans become complacent and think what we had is what we want. But, until we can truly step out of that, give up on it, push it away and I mean completely away... then we will know what we really want. And in the process of doing this, we achieve the things that Michelle talks about.

The only way to do that is to focus on YOU! No more her. AttyTom was a HUGE help to me. And as much as I wanted to kick him, I bow to the man today. It took me a long time to realize this.

Until I put all the focus on me, I could not be happy. I was doing a disservice to myself and my kids by being so wrapped up in her. When I finally did completely focus on me, she turned around and wanted to come back. I had realized that it wasn't what was best for me or my kids, but it didn't happen until then.

So wake up in the morning, look at yourself and just be.... it all works out!

[hopeful4her]

Hey TB. Good to meet ya' and thanks for stopping by.

Yeah, AT seems to have taken a liking to me for some reason. He pounds me pretty good.

There are 2 people that make me think the most. AT and wdid. I am blessed by all the others here, but those two make me think the most.

I don't think that I focus so much on her. At least not as much as I used to. She pops up a lot though because I put so much into my posts.

My thoughts are that we are here for a common goal. At least we THINK we come here for a common goal. What really happens is that we are supposed to end up finding ourselves, I think. I have had my eye on the "goal" for so long, it is hard to let it go. I understand that my goal should be to make myself happy. Find my peace.

I WAS completely wrapped up in her. Now, not so much. My goal is now myself. What DOES make me happy? What brings me joy? I have been finding SOME. Backslide here and there. It's like I have to trick myself into thinking that she is just gone. I have even said that, to me, she died a over year ago. Her moving out was like shoveling the dirt on her grave. If and when it happens, D papers might be the tombstone.

I find my hope for her diminishing weekly if not daily. I think it helps me to move on, thinking that.

Whatever it is that I'm doing right now is making me feel happy with myself. Key words are, right now. My kids are my greatest joy.

I'll be telling myself less and less, "I hope she notices this or that about me." I still do it, but it feels like it is less and less.

I'll get there.

Just curious, did you read the whole sordid tale?

[whatdidido]

Just popping in.....I need to say something. When people find out you are separated, many people (if not most) will tell you that you should move on. Except for your closest DB friends here, people who got a divorce will say to "divorce"...almost always.

Just remember what YOU want and what God wants. Never stray from that. Do what you think you need to do to make that happen.

And, don't do anything a married man shouldn't do right now. Don't do anything you wouldn't do if you were still living with your wife right now.

[hopeful4her]

dub, what you say to me is the same that I have preached to anyone that I come across. Here and in my "real" world(hey, are there cameras watching me. Am I on Mtv?). Remember, I played a part with my former coworker getting back with his ex wife. They are still together. So far, as far as I know.

Seeking the path that Got wants me to choose....for the past two years, I have been waiting for him to show me. I pray for Him to show me now. Why does he make me wait? I know it is all in His time, but I keep thinking of the story of the person that refused help from people because he/she was waiting for God. At the pearly gates, she asked why He never showed. He said I did, but in different form than you thought.

Is that me?

It's hard to ACT like I have a happy marriage with a wife at home. Hell, its hard NOT having a happy marriage with a wife NOT at home. Either way sucks. I think that God wants me to be with my wife. Then the devil makes me think about her and the OM, and what they are doing when they are alone. Like last night. She's at her place. No kids. I have them all here. It's in the back of my mind, but I TRY not to think about it. But it keeps the anger stoked.

I know it doesn't sound like it, but I stay pretty strong in my convictions. Yesterday at lunch was a complete experiment to me. I have never thought like that. The only way that I can describe it, was to say it was empowering. Now I know what I'm capable of, and I can let it lie there for when I need it, someday. IF I need it someday.

I think it will help in my dealings with my wife, because I was in control. It helped me in finding that guy I'm looking for. The cool confident man. That's the only way that I can express it.

[whatdidido]

I understand what you are saying.

You asked why God is making you wait. No one knows what God's plan is. You know this. We do what we know and what we have learned and what we read.

Are people coming to you and you are ignoring them? Maybe. Are these people God's people trying to help you? I sincerely don't think so. These are divorced women looking for a man, or divorced people telling you it is ok to divorce. Someday, this may be God's plan, not because you chose it, but because your wife did. But, do not give up on your wife. All things are possible with God. Again, you know this.

[lost_in_space]

H4H
Sorry, this may get something started and if so we can move it elsewhere.

I believe in God. Am a Christian. But I admit that my faith has never been as tested as it is now.

With the sitch, I find myself asking WHY! Why is God allowing this to happen, not to me, but to the K's? They have done nothing, are angels from above, and yet are facing pain and turmoil they have no control over.

Wdid you said no one knows what God's plan is. I agree. But God's plan cannot include hurt to the kids - can it?

No answer for that - but a question I struggle with.