Please help me to not give up............

[grant]

Hey Sandi2,

I'm most grateful to you for taking the time to post on my thread, and for sharing your R and M history.
It really does sound like you've been through the mill, and I can absolutely understand how you reacted and your search for a place to find some attention and love in your life.
I don't think that you could be in any way blamed for looking for escape in an online experience, particularly in light of your H's behaviour toward you. I don't really blame my W either for entering into an affair with her ex, although it hurts more than I can describe. Sometimes I wish that it was just an online thing, and not someone who lives a mile away and is so involved with my children.

I think there are really 3 parts to my personal sitch, and all seem to be interconnected.

1. I have worked away from home for 10 years in an industry that is uncertain and insecure with all it's associated money worries, although my W has always made it clear that money or material things were not important to her.

2. I have not always given her the support that she has desired, not met her emotional needs, and have not been the father that I should have been.

3. I have had issues with sex and pornography which have lead her to withdraw further from me, and lead me to an online affair which was overtly sexual in nature.

I should say that I have never stopped desiring or being in love with her, as I have always found her incredibly attractive and beautiful. I have always loved her for the person she is, and I think she is very special. I know this doesn't make much sense if I engaged in that pursuit of "digital adultery".

I have never been physically unfaithful to her, and my escalated viewing of pornography and the online affair were as a result of our lack of a sexual relationship. There is an old addage about men needing to have sex to feel loved, and women needing to feel loved to have sex. It's the old chicken and egg thing again.

I know now as a result of therapy, study, and participation in a 12 step programme in SAA, that I do have problems with intimacy, though I am still learning about what that really means, and where I have got it so wrong in the past.
Both my W and I dislike confrontation, and I know also that has played a part in our inability to really discuss and get to the bottom of the problems in our R.

It seems strange talking about all this, because I can still remember our happy times when we felt really connected. I really believed that we'd be together for life. I think she did also. But the circumstances have conspired to pull us further apart, and I take a huge chunk of the responsibilty for that. I know it's not helpful to blame myself entirely for all this, and I can see that she has also had a part to play.
But she has been so selfless, undemanding and understanding in our M for so many years, I think now she has ( like you did ), got to the point where she is just reviewed everything about her life........... where she's been, where she's going etc. and I think with also this OP back in her life again, it has been a source of attention and validation for her, and it has in some way, helped to meet the emotional needs that I have failed to provide for her.

It's complex and multi-layered as you well know.

It would be wonderful if you could at some time take a read of my thread, as it ma give you further insight.

Just yesterday, we had a really lovely conversation on the phone, and it almost felt "normal" and like the person I know and love. I think this is because we are both really trying to make strenuous efforts toward re-establishing a friendship, for both our children and for ourselves. I am hoping that is something that will continue to improve, and I know I must work tirelessly and selflessly to carry on that path. It's the only way forward. That, and a real commitment from me, to deal with my issues, and to make life changes across the board.

I'm so grateful to you for taking the time to post, as I know it is time consuming, and does take you away from living your life. Many thanks. G