H deep in A & MLC, need support 4 roller coaster!

[Dawn of Hope]

Well, I get on this site and try to catch up with all the latest threads every day, but don't always post.

I am doing better in general in the last few days. I don't know if my ADs are working better (although I've been on the same meds since December, and same dosage for several months) or it's just normal fluctuation. I have actually started to experience brief periods in which I genuinely feel that no matter what H does, I will be okay.

I am struggling a bit financially. My client load is heaviest in spring and the first half of summer, so I had a fairly decent income for that period (I was staying even with the bills, anyway), but now it's scaling back (which is normal for this time of year) but the bills are piling up. I am trying to break some of my bad habits (procrastination and staying up wayyyyy too late being the biggies) to improve the situation. If anyone has any suggestions to help with those things, please let me know. Sometimes I think I've tried everything, but in reality I know that's not the case.

I am trying not to spend any of H's income myself, although I benefit from it as he does pay for the mortgage, utilities, and a number of other things. I have been paying for everything I buy (including, among other things, all of the household's groceries, consumables [paper products, soap, shampoo], and pet expenses, and all of my medical bills except dental). This all comes out of the income I have left after paying for my business expenses (I am a sole proprietor), and I'm pretty sure that income level is below the poverty level for one person--less than $10,000/year. I don't do retail therapy AT ALL; in fact, my shopping attitude is more like a man's--just as an example, I spend 98% of my time in sneakers, and I've been wearing the same pair for four or five years now. They really need to be replaced, as they have been hurting my feet for at least a year. I have always been like this...ask me about the time H *forced* me to buy new sweatpants. Or about the fact that when we first met, I was wearing my everyday sneakers, which had multiple holes in them, they were so old. He has at least twice as much clothing and three times as many shoes as I do, and he isn't a clotheshorse.

Well, don't know how I got so far down that track...didn't mean to get carried away. I am gradually improving with my attempts at detaching, one tiny step at a time. H just seems to spin and spin, and never go anywhere. I don't know what's going on with him and to some degree, I don't really care. I do still have a lot of anger and resentment that I still have to work through, although I don't think I've let him see much of that. The main impression I get from him these days (what little leaks out from behind his facade), besides the fact that he's totally confused, and completely lost in the fog, is that he doesn't quite know what to make of me. I'm guessing that's a good thing.

Anyone have advice or suggestions?

Thanks, all, for being here and supporting me.

Peace,
Dawn