I was unfaithful

[SirPrizeMe]

That stinks. I don't think your husband is looking for a reason to bash you. It's just where his head is. Speaking for myself, it was devastating, and it was hard to trust. I know that lack of trust is painful for the straying spouse, but ... infidelity is painful.

It's like neither of the partners want the pain, but somehow when one expresses pain or hurt, the other partner feels it more strongly. It can be like a slow downward spiral.

I do avoid conversations on marriage all the time - to the point of hanging up on the phone because I dont want to hear him say that it is over.

I think the guidance is "don't initiate relationship talks." But if he initiates, you are advised to engage and respond. If he says things that are painful or stressful, you are advised to listen actively and hear him out.

Of course, there may be wisdom in avoiding all relationship talks completely, for a short while. But consistently refusing to engage is passive aggressive.

It knocks my confidence, destroys my day. I hate it.

That REALLY stinks. This sounds fluffy, but. . . think about what's great about you. What are your good qualities? Seriously consider them and explore them. Think about the people who value you, and why. Meditate on your own self-worth.

Why would I say this? Because that "knocking you down" will not go away very quickly. Your husband's hurt may go on for a while, and you seeing it (like when he hinted about lack of trust in the business) will push your guilt buttons. He may not be doing it on purpose, but it hurts you nonetheless. And if you are beaten down, you are in no shape to restore your marriage.

To fight against getting dragged down, you need to build a habit of self-encouragement, of self-love. Despite things you have done that are not the best, you are basically a good person, and you have a number of good qualities. You are gifted and talented and valuable.

We all make mistakes. But the best of us don't let our mistakes bring us down. The best of us realize that one mistake does not define our lives.

When it's time, have a look at your own mistakes, an honest look, a non-blaming and non-accusatory look, and take responsibility. You don't need to do that right away. But at some point, when you're ready, have a good long look at how it all happened. This is not to tear yourself down, but to take an honest look. That's why you don't need to do it right away. First you need to feel strong about yourself. Then, and only then, have a look. Looking deeply, you can understand what it was, how it happened, and how you would like to conduct yourself in the future if you ever find yourself in a similar situation.

(If your analysis is "it just happened. It was a stupid mistake." ... then you're not going deep enough. It doesn't just happen. you would need to be a little more honest with yourself. . . )

It is one thing to regret the consequences and the fallout of a mistake. Nobody likes to get caught and "punished" for doing the wrong thing. It is another thing to accept responsibility for one's own failings internally and independently. This is a quieter sort of regret, a more heartfelt and honest sort.

Did you send an apology letter to the OM?