Another one joins the flock (III)

[sgctxok]

hijack!

I mean...Hi, Jack!!!

[Mike85]

Jack: yeppers

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Flat Top Mountain

You should take a look at Flat Top scenery, its really medatative.

Good description of the photo too.

[smith18]

Hi Mike -

My W too is deeply entrenched with OM and I have also chosen an L that is really good, but has the kids best interest as priority #1. And the OM is the one that recommended her L and he is the one doing all the leg work. W even had the gall to ask me if I wanted to borrow his camping trailer for a trip with the kids.

I can say that I really thought my W was going to have a change of heart even while she was living with OM. She told me several times she was on the fence long after I filed. Friends and family were not supportive of my patience in wanting her back. Only you will know when all chances for your M being reconciled are over. There is so much time in your state for your W to come to her senses. Keep DBing for your M, but also do it for yourself and your kids.

Oh, and Jack...that is some nice scenery outside Anchorage. One could live 10 lifetimes and not see all there is to see in your fabulous state.

[craig54]

I love Alaska.

[Mike85]

Hi Mike -

My W too is deeply entrenched with OM and I have also chosen an L that is really good, but has the kids best interest as priority #1. And the OM is the one that recommended her L and he is the one doing all the leg work. W even had the gall to ask me if I wanted to borrow his camping trailer for a trip with the kids.

My W's OM has the gall market cornered:
- when he knew that I didn't know that he and my W were sleeping together, he and W pulled into my driveway to get stuff for "her place". He got out of the car, introduced himself and shook my hand.
- at same event, he asked my help in cleaning dog vomit out of his car. He and W had just bought a puppy (of course, they pitched it as "hers" at the time) and it got carsick.
- at same event, he asked my help in loading furniture and supplies into his car for "her place"
- when he and W were having dinner at my in-law's, my in-laws mentioned how they were going to have to get rid of so much stuff when they move to the assisted living facility (FIL has advanced Parkinson's), and OM put "dibs" on FIL's table saw and other power tools. W got upset when MIL immediately replied that "if anyone is getting them, it will be MIKE!"
- he made a big show of offering to pay for lawncare for my in-laws months ago and did nothing. Now I go out there and mow their lawn every week.
- he and W took our tent, sleeping bags, and luggage set to go on a weeklong camping trip that was originally scheduled a year ago as a family trip involving me. W tried to get me to let them takes my kids with them on that trip. I said no.
- he bought my oldest son, a cub scout who just earned his "whittling chip card" his first knife.
- when he fell off the wagon and went AWOL in May, he told W on his return that he had "financial safeguards in place" that would ensure that he could never go on a bender again. He went on one two weeks ago. W forgave him when he promised her a Christmas in Jamaica.

I hate the guy with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns.

I will forgive my wife.

Him? Never. I hope he burns in hell for all eternity for his part in what has happened.

I can say that I really thought my W was going to have a change of heart even while she was living with OM. She told me several times she was on the fence long after I filed. Friends and family were not supportive of my patience in wanting her back. Only you will know when all chances for your M being reconciled are over.

My parents and my true friends have stated pretty much what you said above - that only I can say when enough is enough.

There is so much time in your state for your W to come to her senses. Keep DBing for your M, but also do it for yourself and your kids.

I do thank God that New York has had the wisdom to NOT allow "no fault" divorces. If my W could have filed during the angry portion of her current insanity, she would have. Now, because she has NO grounds under NYS law to divorce me, I am forcing her into the one-year-and-a-day-after-legal-separation bit. A lot can happen in a year. As Jack has told me, I must be patient.

[new_attitude]

Hi Mike,

Have you considered acting a little more distant when you see your w? Especially now that she's working on a legal S? I think she's sitting on the fence big-time, giving you hugs and kisses when she sees you, just enough to keep you thinking she may be back, but still living her "happy" little life on the lake with OM. Maybe she's thinking that this is how it's going to be if you D? How do you think it's going to be?

I had an evil thought- I can't imagine it being very bucolic on the lake in upstate NY in the winter. I think she may decide she doesn't like that lifestyle much with the change of seasons. We'll just have to wait and see...

[Mike85]

Actually, na, your "evil" thought has occurred to me and several of my friends. The furnished closet that W and OM live in is OK for them now, since they can play on the lake, but once western NY winter hits... no amount of satellite TV or Wii is going to compensate for cabin fever, especially once our kids are spending more time there.

Meanwhile, I'm in a two-and-a-half-story Victorian.

I've thought about being more distant or changing *something* in interactions with W, but I'm not sure what to do, especially since we have kids. My son's C has cut his sessions to once a month and credited the amicable relationship between W and I for his doing better. I'd hate to disrupt that. Basically, we only have contact during the "kid exchange" now. I don't want to get snarky or cold and then have that either worsen things for my sons' psyches or, if it doesn't get the results I want and I backtrack, get caught trying to be manipulative.

My C says that W is trying to keep one foot in "both worlds." Maybe W sees my standing as a safety net for herself, but I'm not sure how I could change that.

How would I see things after a D? I don't know. I am NOT one of those people who sees himself standing for a decade (or even five years), standing even after their spouse remarries, etc. Quite frankly, I am not religious enough to suffer the remainder of my life in celibate martyrdom while W goes on. I want W back, but I am not willing to go to my grave having spent my lonely life pining and praying for her return.

[smith18]

He sure does sound like a piece - putting dibs on a still living mans tools??!!!

You do know that the affair will not last. It may last longer than your M, and if it does, your W will be up a creek without a paddle.

My W also lives with OM on a lake. However, it is a 5 story house in one of the richest areas of the country. And she and him are trying to get spousal support from me.

My S7 is a cub scout too! Such a great GAL activity and it teaches good morals which he wont learn from his mother.

I learned of the affair from my then 5 year old daughter. She thought it was cute that mommy had a boyfriend and was sharing germs. My daughter even told me the guy paints his toenails! I knew of him beforehand, but she said he was just a friend. I told her to not introduce the kids to him but she did anyway . That crossed my line and I filed for a D. Oh, and he is 31 years older than my W - his kids are older than her. I think she is looking forward to changing diapers again.

You sound like a strong man Mike and I am hoping your wife has an awakening. Then the hard work begins.

[Mike85]

Yeah, OM is a piece of work. He has told people that he doesn't understand why I hate him so. How clueless can a human being be?

The over/under on W's affair according to my C and W's uncle (who went through MLC himself and then was in a support group) is a year. I was already warned by both sources that W will probably not move from this OM back to me, but will instead go from OM to being alone or dating a few people and then possibly back to me. I was also warned that part of her reluctance to returning to me will be her own pride - not wanting to admit that she was wrong, as well as guilt.

Yeah, scouts has been a great stabilizer for my oldest son, as has youth football. A lot of the same kids, so he sees a lot of the same kids and parents.

Doing the "amicable thing" sometimes is so hard, since most people don't get it, and I've had SO many people ask me if I'm not making things too easy for W. The fact is, right now, W's infatuation with OM and his willingness to support her has kept her thus far from hitting me up for spousal support or going after the house. They don't need my money and she has only asked me to kick in on the kids' new schoolyear clothing. Toss in how well my kids are adjusting psychologically (and how son's C and my own C give the credit to the amicability with W), and I'm loathe to change things up for the sake of seeing if "doing something different" might improve things. The risks to my kids' psyches, my personal finances, and the amicable relationship W and I have worked on for four months are too great.

On another topic, I was cheesed off when I got my daily "Steinkampf" e-mail the other day and it was a tirade about how platonic coffee times with friends of the opposite sex are sinful. As I read the thing, all I could think was what an utter load of b.s. it was. The majority of my friends for years were female (and usually very good-looking) - a side effect of attending a teacher's college - and it is completely possible to have completely platonic relationships with opposite-sex friends without it leading to anything. Steinkampf came off as a wingnut.