The Longest Journey, 2

[SDFoundGirl]

Urgh, SD. I'll tell you, I just want to track down your H and b!tchslap him right now! If I found out that my W was still in contact with OM (highly unlikely given how it ended between them, but still...) I would be furious!

This is the part that (at first) I most liked. It does feel good to be indignant and wounded and the victim...for a while. Yes, he is a doofus. Yes, he is clueless. Yes, he is crossing that boundary, and dammit, I AM right. Just call me Queen Right.

OK, gonna try to be more constructive now...

Let me ask a question: Setting aside for the moment the impact on you and upon your R, WHY do you think Dimwit is still contacting LW? What "need" does it fulfill? He must be getting some sort of reinforcement from the behavior, something that keeps him coming back for more in spite of the risk.

Imagine, if you can, that you DID lay everything on the table with H. And that he could respond in a way that was truthful, and not completely tainted by embarrassment and anger at having been found out. What would "his side of the story" be?

It is to your credit and our long standing friendship on these boards (and, maybe, to my actually learning something from all of this crap we've gone through) that I didn't just say F-you and throw a tantrum about how wrong and mean and wrong and, um, wrong you were to ask that. But as soon as I read what you wrote I knew you hit it right on the DB head. Dang it.

I know my H...I know his energy...and he is so not the same person he was prior to DBing. He's really a good guy, and it's that good guy stuff that probably worked a hella lot in my favor when it all hit the fan. I don't feel the same distance from him that I did before, so I know there's nothing really there. Probably friendship, probably a bit of guilt because the friendship scaled way back with no explanation from H (and he truly worries about what others might think and doesn't have the huevos to explain to her) and he doesn't want her to feel bad.

BUT...to my goodfriendRobwhoIsortawantedtokickinthemancookiesjustalittlebit's question....

What might be there? Honestly, probably being upbeat, expressing my sexuality via the way I dress and act. I have been somewhat avoiding sex for a whole host of reasons...not a drought, but it's definitely a slow spot just now because I haven't put on my big girl panties and discussed the whole child issue with H (well, until a couple of weeks ago, and we're still in negotiations), so I was unrightfully angry with him and the lack of progeny. That issue has affected my mood too, so I've been more withdrawn...along with the whole stupid whore with really roached hair issue.

So, I need to take responsibility for what I need to say, and I need to get back in touch with my sexuality. I find myself wondering where the SD who pranced around in her nighties went, and my only answer is my butt is a little bigger than it was when I couldn't keep food down and I am self-conscious...although H seems as into me as ever, especially when I'm dressed up. Which I will be more often, now that summer is over *sigh* and I can't just bum around in shorts and sweats every day.

GAL is really good, maybe too good in that tonight is the first night this week I will see my husband for longer than 60-minutes before we go to bed. I've made a lot of friends and am out doing things most nights, especially this summer. H is happy about this, especially my connections with new people. But when I mentioned our tech guy and joking around with him at school (he is funny and a really good guy that some other teachers are sort of snarky to), I noticed that he suddenly took an interest in going to a staff party he'd had no interest in prior.

I can only control me, right? I want guarantees...but in reality, no one can give that to you. My only guarantee is that I am strong enough to survive anything and be happy. Isn't that enough?

Still working on that....

SD