WAW in MLC? Can anybody here give me their take?

[sandi2]

Hi Jimbo, well, I was going to try to stay away from the board for a few days, but I must be hooked on it...lol. I have spent the last few days more with family members, but now I'm here alone for a while, so thought I would look in and see how things were going.

One thing about a WAW is that you very seldom can predict what she will do next. One day she may be flirting with you and leading you to believe there is hope yet and the next day she is cold as a fish.

Almost the first thing that was told to me when I came aboard was this....."you cannot love two men at the same time". That is true. She is going to have to decide which one of the two of you she wants to take a chance with. That is how she sees it Jimbo, as taking a very big risk with her happiness for the future. Does she go back to you and "hope" that things will be different and better or does she take a leap of faith with this man that she thinks is making her "blood boil". That's a funny statement, b/c I think she meant that in a sexual sense, but I always heard it linked in an angry way. But, we know from what we have all read and learned about the chemicals that give you this sense of "falling in love" when you get involved with another person.....and it will not last. That is what she is feeling at this time. It would do no good for YOU to be the one to try to explain that to her. She would not believe you and she would just turn against you that much more. Hopefull, if she does go to a "good" pro-marriage counselor, he/she will make her see that these are false chemcials flooding her brain and making her feel that way. Believe me, I went down that road and I know how they can make you feel! I didn't think I had any feelings left in me. I had felt dead for so long until I met my OM and he got my blood stirring also. But, it dosn't last.

The way I see it, you have two options. You can completely go dark and have no contact at all with her until she is either completely over this guy and ready to work on her M with you or she marries him. He may dump her or they may live together and then she will discover the blood doesn't boil so much any more. Or, they may even get M and then she will learn she has made at errible mistake.

In the meantime, you act as if you have forgotten about her (or at least you aren't focused on her all the time) and live you life as though she will not be a part of it again. The advantage of going dark is that she needs to miss you and that is the best way for her to miss you......is by never seeing you or talking, email, texting....the whole bit. No contact....period! Now, if that is not reasonable or even possible, then you may have to go partically dark, which doesn't work as well, but there have been some successful times with that.

Then there is option two, where you "outshine" the OM. To me this is what really takes "grit and grace" b/c it is the hardet thing you ever did. You have to almost become an entirely different person and you certainly have to act differently. You can "outshine" the OM and still not pursue her. You have to play hard to get, but at the same time, do things that will make her want to get you. I'm not talking about chasing her.....any type of pursuing....and you have lost her....don't forget that!

I'm talking about looking your best at all times...(might want to consider a new male make-over with clothes, new hair cut, facial hair or shaven)and always smell great b/c this has an effect on females, go to the gym or do your own type of work out. Besides working on the outside of your self improvements, work on your personality and practice being "charming". I think a lot of men have forgotten a wonderful "tool" in hooking women in (if I should use such an expression) but all women love charming men. Be a gentleman at all times, but not a pansy. Be "cool" as the kid say. Act suave like Rhett Butler or James Bond (lol)......that is kind os an on going line with some other guys, but you get the picture. It is important that you learn to call the shots. You draw the boundries about what will not be tollerated. In other words.....you are the one in control of your stitch. You my not be able to control her, but you can be in control of your life. But, all the time, you are "cool" about how you do it.

You've probably seen my long list I have passed around. It is mostly for people still living under the same roof, but it can also work for those that are S. But, anyway, you need to think about which route to take. What would work better for you. If you have a hard time controlling your emotions, then you may need to go dark. But, that is what you will have to decide.

Anyway, you are among so many LBH's that have gone through this same thing. And, yes, there are some success stories. Not all turn out that way b/c you cannot control what she does. That is what you must remind yourself on a daily basis......you cannot control what she thinks, feels, or does. You can only control YOU.

Let us know what you decide.

Sandi