So I married a sex addict...

[happycamper]

Hi Grant, thanks for your reply.

I have ordered one of Patrick Carnes's books (can't remember which one, one of the ones that was in the uk and wouldn't take forever to arrive!), thanks for that. You are dead right about H being a candidate for SLAA, sometimes the emphasis is definitely on the 'L' aspect of it.

And yes, abused as a child, by a woman (mum of a friend) who told him he was a very 'special boy'. He's constantly looking for people who will tell him he is 'special'. Very sad.

As far as boundaries are concerned, I don't think I really wanted to set any (unless it was really painful for me like the holiday) because it seemed that H was so intent on leaving me that I didn't want to encourage that any more than I needed to. Going away with him helped, I did think he might 'act out' with me, but he didn't, and I think it helped me to see that he was really serious about us divorcing. So know I feel abit stronger to treat him as a SA, read up on it, and deal with him in the way that is best for us both.

Of course, having said that, now that she doesn't speak to me about him, I don't get any sense of where there relationship is at. But I know that I can't control that or affect it in any way directly anyhow. So I reckon I gained more than I lost there.

I know exactly what you mean! I had assumed that I needed to know, but perhaps I don't...

It's interesting that you say that unless he's working on his issues that you wont consider the prospect of reconcilliation, and please forgive me if I'm way off base here, but reading between the lines, even though a relationship with H fills you with fear ( and quite rightly in his present state ) it appears to me that you still love this man. I don't think you'd be here if you didn't.

If you do love him, I'm sure you will be sending out messages of availability and warmth to him. Now I know it's hard not to, but being warm, flirting etc will do nothing to make this guy want to change his life or his habits. It's all just too comfortable. Some might disagree with me here, but I think this bloke needs a bloody good dose of tough love.

Yes, I do love him. And if I'm honest, I am very attracted to him right now. Can't see the stuff, only the charisma!

I think this all begins with you taking control of your life, and cutting contact with your H down to nothing more than pleasant cordial interactions for the sake of your kids. Anything more than that will just be enabling and will never make him take stock of his life.

See what you mean. But I do still care about him, I want to be a support to him... but that is just what he wants. He wants me to be a good 'wife and mother', and have his mistresses elsewhere. You've certainly given me alot to think about. Thanks very much for your observations.