WAW in MLC? Can anybody here give me their take?

[Jimbo]

Hi Sandi,

Thanks so much for responding. I read and re-read DR over and over, trying to deduce the best recipe for my sitch, and to help boost my courage for this long, long journey. After reading so much good advice on this board, I've come to realize just how much of a roller coaster ride this is going to be. I was all "manned up" as you say for this to possibly go on for YEARS, and then I got the rug pulled out from under me this past Sunday. I had just expanded my DB repertoire this past Sunday to include breaking off contact under my terms when we do see each other, and being less forthcoming with responses to things like her squeezing my leg under the table at breakfast. She asked more than once about where I was going after we would part, and after many non-committal answers, I could tell she just wouldn't stop probing. I finally gave her a vague answer of, "I'm just going somewhere where I can think things through". I'm wondering whether I screwed up big time, or whether it would have happened anyway, because later on that day, my wife dropped the D bomb. I can't be sure whether my response to that did more harm than good.

I sat there in silence, staring out the window for what must've been about 10-15 minutes without saying a word- just stunned. When I got some semblance of my wits about me (NOT an easy task, as you can imagine) I tried a 180 of what I thought she might have expected. I got up, walked over to her, looked her deeply and lovingly in the eyes, kissed her as tenderly as I could, reestablished eye contact with her, and said "You gave up." (referring to the fact that she admitted many months ago that she didn't try to talk about her feelings or seek counseling of any sort to try to save our marriage before she left.) I then walked upstairs, grabbed a soft sided travel bag, came back downstairs, and started to pack up her books in it. After a LONG SILENCE, She said "Do you want to talk about it?", to which I replied "There's nothing to say- you've made your decision!" without missing a beat in packing. I started to lose it, and then she started to help with packing the books up, which by now were falling over inside the bag, and making me very frustrated. She then said, "There will be plenty of time for that later". Long story short, we got to talking about how she spends practically all of her time with the OM, and I was lucky to get a couple hours with her on a Sunday, if that, and how a lot of things had changed since she moved out, and that she wasn't giving us a fair chance. Bottom line is that I talked her into coming to counseling with me today for a separate session on her own, even though she said that she still doesn't know that she wants to work on the M. She asked if there was anything else I wanted from her, and, not wanting to push my luck, I told her no, nothing I can think of right now, but that might change in the future. Then she said something very curious- "I suppose, you want me to move back into the house now." I held back my true desires as I told her that no, I thought that was a bit too premature, and that it would probably do more harm than good right now. She seems so threatened by any sort of relationship with me right now.

You are absolutely right in saying that anything I do is tantamount to pursuing, but at the same time it is SO HARD to just let my wife go on seeing the OM and going on little weekend jaunts with him, while I bite my tongue. About the only thing that keeps me afloat is the fact that she now admits that pursuing an EA like she did was very immature, and says she still doesn't know how she feels about him, which may or may not be the truth because during the talk she also admitted that she is REALLY attracted to his "quirky" sense of humor, and that it makes her "blood boil". At least I was able to also confirm that it's an EA and not a PA. (for now anyway- who knows if/when her blood will boil over, assuming that she's even telling the truth about it being an EA.)

I feel like I've really screwed up. I've opened the door for her to come to counseling a few times, not really try, and then claim that we tried that and it didn't work, so we should just get a D. Do you think I should back track after this one session? And should I back off of my new additions to my repertoire?