H had 3 year affair and I never knew! (2)

[happycamper]

Goodness tmi, that is alot of infidelity. Do you find it is hard to marry your H with the behaviour? (Or maybe that is just for me because I found out everything in one go and didn't have a clue before.) I wonder if that is why we can't get our heads around it, because we can't believe that it is our husbands who had done that to us.

I'm assuming because you are on this site that you are DBing to save your marriage - I take my hat off to you.

In a strange way, the scale of the infidelity makes it easier to see that it's not really about YOU. This is a person who has a problem and they have to deal with it - there's not much you can do from the outside.

You know, (shut your ears cat!) I really pressed for the information as I just didn't buy the numbers he was giving me. I think you've hit the nail on the head, and I have to say I almost laughed out loud with relief. I think the reason he wasn't entirely truthful in the early days was that he knew if he confessed to the sort of numbers he had really got through it identified his problem loud and clear. If you look at my really early posts the reasons for him wanting to split were things like my post-children tummy, me moaning about the dishwasher, him generally not being happy etc. He wasn't even going to tell me about the infidelity!!!

Now the separation bit is more settled, I think it is time for me to look into the SA aspect of H, and how I need to deal with him from this point. Someone else recommended 'Don't Call it Love' by Patrick Carnes (can't get that here but have ordered another of his). I also joined CoSA (Co-dependents of Sex Addicts), they are very wise people there, but it is a 12-step group, so you go to (online) meetings there. It's not the sort of place where you tell your story and people give you advice, like here. Very interesting though, and it's nice to 'meet' other people in the same boat.