Another one joins the flock (III)

[craig54]

The kids welfare is number one. If that means getting a lawyer and protecting your self and your kids, so be it. You don't need to feel guilty about doing that. Also I am sure , like myself you do not want to be with our wives as they are right now. That doesn't mean The lord cannot heal our relationships. We have our boundaries.

[Mike85]

craig: You're absolutely right on all counts - the kids are #1, I shouldn't feel guilty about getting a lawyer to protect myself and the kids, and the Lord can heal our relationships.

My lawyer friend called me yesterday -just as we were loading the car for the campout- to give me a referral on a good marital lawyer. It's someone who is good about protecting his clients' rights without feeling a need to dive into the muck and go "scorched earth." I'll be calling them tomorrow to set up an appointment.

My lawyer friend asked me to supplement what he already knew about some of what has transpired, and he told me that I'm "golden." Basically the choices that W has made and continues to make have placed her in a bad bargaining position, while my holding down the fort, staying celibate/faithful, dealing with most of the childcare stuff, getting a better job, etc. go under the category of 'doing all the right things." I feel better about my legal situation.

I still plan to pray for my W and the restoration of my M, and I will let God's will for my marriage proceed as I GAL, but I am learning to be more pragmatic with regard to legal, financial, and other stuff.

BTW, the campout was fun. Great time with all the Webelos, their siblings, and fellow parents. One of the moms there gave me some empathy and shared her MLC "war story" - her H gave her the bomb (including his affair with a young hottie) while she was just a few weeks from giving birth to their son. That was nine years ago, and she told me that even though her ex-H is still an @sshat, she's happy, has moved on and has a great new love, a great career, etc. She assured me that no matter what, I'd survive, thrive, and not be alone. It was good to hear, even though we were both being steeped in thick bonfire smoke as she relayed her story and assurances. We all ended up smelling like hot dogs.

[Mike85]

I spent a great deal of time today trying to figure out whether or not to say anything to W about her L's letter. I ran through about a half a dozen different approaches, everything from just casually mentioning that I got the letter to basically informing her that I had also contacted legal help and was going to keep all options open.

I tried figuring out the spectrum of what I could expect from her and her L. Anything from a mere formalization of our current agreement (which is what she originally told me she would seek), all the way to huge demands for spousal support, child support, sale of the house, etc.

I drove myself crazy. By now I should know better.

When W finally showed up to pick up the kids, I decided to give her a set of cute pics of the kids that I took during the campout yesterday (gotta love the digital age) and to not mention the letter at all. She loved the pictures. She loved the Buffalo Bills shirts I got the kids, commented on how pretty the new Betta was (my son's died over the weekend, after three years - not bad for a $3 fish), and was really chipper.

Something in my gut told me to go with the "act as if" scenario and be Mr. Positive. Wound up getting the nice hug and kiss as she left with the kids.

I'm still calling tomorrow make an appointment with my own L, but I'm going to take the tack that I've seen other DBers mention here - W and myself will talk to our respective L's and then let my L and her L talk over the financial and other stuff between them. Until I finally see what W and her L propose, I'm going to force myself to avoid the kind of speculation that gets me into a tizzy.

[Mike85]

Actually, one of the things that mellowed me out was a conversation I had with S9.

He was becoming upset thinking about what has happened to our family and was worried that W and I were inevitably headed for D.

I explained to him that because I wasn't looking for a D, the process that mommy and daddy are taking will take at least a year (thank you New York state for refusing the "no fault" process!).

He pointed out that one year ago, we were vacationing happily as a family in a beach house in Ocean City and having a great time.

Then he said, "Wow, things can change a lot in just a year, huh?"

We both realized that if things could go from that scene to where we are now in just a year, that things could swing the other way in that span of time also.

Kids.

[Mike85]

W came by to drop off the kids. Everyone was chipper. My mom sent a box of homemade cookies for the kids, which I showed them, offering them to them and to W. W said no at first but then changed her mind and took a couple (my mom makes GREAT choc. chip cookies).

I asked W when she was planning on picking the kids up on Friday, and she said at noon, unless I needed them picked up earlier. I asked if she could get them by 10:45, since I had an 11 am appointment with my L.

She looked like someone smacked her in the forehead with a hammer.

Stunned.

It took a few seconds for her to recover, then she said "sure" and started saying her goodbyes to the kids. She told oldest son to have fun at football tomorrow, and we joked about how I absolutely have to get a pic of him in his full pads (he's gonna look goofy). A hug and a kiss and she was off.

I wonder if my mentioning that I am employing a L was a "reality check" for W. The look on her face was one of shock. I guess we'll see what happens.

I've got friends and family urging me to go "scorched earth," but my instincts are to wait and see what she and her L propose. It would be *very* easy to seek retribution (esp. after having TWO lawyers tell me that I'm in an absolutely golden position legally), and at times it seems soooooooo tempting, but I plan to stay the course and just try to -with legal guidance- do what is in the best interests of myself and my sons.

[Will]

Hi Mike85,
My W dropped bomb 4/18/08 found out about OM 5/28/08 EA, we still living together, wow it is rough. I wish you the best. Sounds like you are a great Dad.

Bob

[Mike85]

Bob: Thanks. Yes, it is rough, but my ability to handle it has improved over time, as will yours. If you had told me 3.5 months ago that I could envision a future without W, I would have told you that you were crazy. I've learned to stand on my own two feet better, and that couldn't have occurred without the support of friends and family, my outstanding C, a lot of prayer, and time. I still have my moments of despair, anger, sadness, and depression, but they are fewer and farther apart.

[Mike85]

Went to the second day of my new staff orientation yesterday. It was awkward filling out all the paperwork for benefits, taxes, and all that, knowing that I'd probably have to amend a lot of it after my L and W's L get done with their work.

I feel better about having a L as an objective (in this case meaning non-emotional) guardian/advisor of my rights, but I fear that all the negativity about W coming at me from family & friends might skew the goals I seek. I've already decided that if W demands substantially more than to what we have verbally agreed, that I will play hardball with regard to finances, health insurance, etc. I am not willing to be such a martyr that I wind up losing my house, having to sell my car, etc., while she gets to keep the fruits of my labor while shacking up with OM (who is paying her bills). Having two different attorneys inform me that W's starting a PA while still living with me and then immediately co-habitating with a functioning alcoholic makes me "golden" leaves me more options. I'm praying on the situation.

[Mike85]

Ambivalence.

W called as I was getting ready to drive sons and oldest son's friend back to town.

She wanted to discuss oldest son's school supplies, new clothes, etc. We agreed to split the costs 50-50 (duh). She and I clarified how we're going to do the whole kid custody thing once school starts, which turned out to be 100% the same as what she had proposed months ago (and to which I happily agreed). She was excited that I already had pics printed of oldest son in his full pads and uniform for football and had a set for her. She also very nicely proposed letting the kids stay with me on Monday (when I'm co-hosting a celebratory party for all of us from our old district who got new teaching gigs this summer), since I have to work on Tuesday, which would normally be one of my custody days.

Then she mentioned that my car insurance bill would be going down soon, since she switched providers. She said she got a GREAT deal - lower cost and better coverage and recommended it to me.

The kicker - it's from OM's insurance company.

No freaking way in HELL am I going to give my money to that @sshat or his employer.

I politely told W that I was juggling a lot of stuff and might look into it at a later date. She kept going on and on about how I should do it ASAP and save myself some money. I got the distinct impression that she was shilling for her boyfriend (maybe he'd get a commission or something).

Criminy. She's bought furniture with the guy, they bought a boat together, she put him on her cell phone plan and got him a new phone, and now her car insurance is through his company? In four short months, my W and OM have become very financially entangled, which I don't think bodes well for reconciliation between us. Each week, she and OM seem to make more and more financial decisions that tie them closer together and would make their dissolution more difficult. This is depressing.

There is probably some "up" side to this, but right now, I'm not seeing it.

[sigh........]

[Jack_Three_Beans]

You on right now Mike?