Is he starting to come home?

[No Longer BH]

Ok, so I decided to go ahead and have a DB Coach session to find some answers. I am so glad that I did. Leni (my coach) really put a positive spin on things. I am tired of the - you should leave the @sshole or he is never coming back because he already has someone else - type of comments. They are negative and distructive and I dont really want to hear them. Apparently I have done alot of learning through out this process because the coach said I have been doing everything right here lately. She agreed with me that she thought he was in MLC and starting to come out of it. She said that I should not even give the OW a thought, even though he still sees her and talks to her, because she is just a cheap drug that he will be throwing away here soon enough. They only are using eachother as a shallow way to boost their egos, and it will end, especially if he is not seeing her as a R right now (he has NEVER said he has had deep feelings for her, she's just a friend that he crossed the line with). She said to not even think about her, or wonder if he is cake-eating. These are negative thought and will not serve me at all. When the LBS does all of the things that I have and am doing to get to a positive place in their life, its the OW who is thrown out, so why even wonder about her. My energy needs to be focused on the positive and the baby stepps we are making.

Some of the things that we talked about that I need to do are :

We talked about how I need to be inconsistant. Send a funny email and then dont respond back to any of his for a few day. Compliment him (on how he looks, on how he is a good provider, on his ability as a parent) and then be lofty around him the next time but still happy. This will trigger the "I want more of the positive build ups" responce and make him start to reach out to me more often in order to get more consistant good feedback.

I need to always have positive energy around him. People are drawn to happy people because they want to feel good also. This will also make him feel more comfortable and relaxed around. SHe said to even throw in some flirting on occasion (but not consistantly). A little touch here and there.

Make sure I am still mysterious. Do not tell him what I am doing, who I am with. At first he will not care, but as his bond grows he will then want to be a part of that and will feel left out.

Act with interigty and honesty - no lying or dating (or even faking that I am dating). Mysterious is all I need to do. This way there is nothing to bite me in the @ss if he does come back and it does not erode my self esteem to act in a undignified manner. Only good things can came from honesty.

Last she said that I need to really think about things before I act/react. I need to ask myself "What is the purpose for what I am about to say or do? Is it out of despiration? This is seen as a controlling, manipulative way to force the WAS back. Or is it done out of inspiration? This will only give way to positive feelings because it was said/done out of compassion, regaurdless of the outcome." Makes since to me.

She said she really thought we were on the right path now. That there have been many babysteps he has taken, but he is not in a place to want to acknowledge what he feels. People who are "done" do not behave the way he is behaving - complimenting me, buying little things for me, making music cd's for me, asking me how I am doing, wanting to have conversations with me. He is not in a place to acknowlegde his true feels but his actions are definately saying that he still has feelings for me. I need to focus on ONLY trying to become his friend right now. This will gain back his trust and re awaken within him his love for me. Once I feel that he has committed to being my friend, I need to work on becoming his best friend. Reconsilitaion is just a small step after that. This is the most successful path and she feels we have already started to take our first steps on it.

Any suggestions on good ways to reach out but not seem too needy? I dont want to go too fast for fear he will withdraw back into his hole.