So good to hear from you!! Don't you just hate it when work gets in the way of your LIFE? Jeeze... what's UP with that!?
I'm having a serious internal war right now... half of me wants to be really, really indignant on your behalf because your wife is still stuck... and the other half of me is dying to know how she's lost 18 pounds in three weeks. That is some serious, serious weight to drop in a very short amount of time. The Adkins Diet? Stress?
Have you thought about having the MeatPuppet Talk with your wife? Or are you not to that point yet?
Have you been through counseling yet? I can't remember if you said you had or not. If not, do you think it might be time to go down that path? If you did go, what came out of it?
My numbers seriously fell off this month. Only three times so far. My H has been so stressed with his newish job that for the last four weeks he's been walking around like a zombie. He's past his stress point now, but he's really shot himself in the foot with me because in the last three days, he's been such an unbearable pig, telling me how unsupportive I've been, how I don't appreciate him or anything he does, all I want from him is blood... well, he could have flattened me with a feather I was so stunned.
Right now I'm fighting really hard with myself not to turn this into a major mud slinging event. I keep thinking to myself, do you want to be right, or do you want to solve the problem?
My point in telling you this, Sooner, is I understand how you must feel like a 'whipping post.' For different reasons, maybe, but I understand the feeling. First and foremost is the niggling thought, 'how long am I supposed to take this?'
In my case I let my H know that I was really sorry he felt the way he did, pointed out some things I had been doing that I thought were glaringly obvious in the 'support arena,' and decided that he can be pissed until the cows come home, I feel completely at peace, and actually feel very good about, the role I have been playing in our marriage. And knowing this, really knowing this has allowed me to retain my sanity and sense of happiness.
I did apologize about the dog. I was wrong on that one. I told him if he wanted me to find another home for the dog, I would. I got blasted for such a sentiment, because now that our son is attached to the dog, how could I even suggest such a thing. Then I told him I could schedule a blood letting for myself... maybe that would make him feel better.
I also have an entire arsenal of [censored] I could throw back at him if I really wanted to go to WAR... but I am in the middle of resisting this very sweet temptation... it would feel really good right now to score 'zinger points' because I think I am completely justified. But being justified makes a cold bed companion, so I've been keeping my mouth shut.
I think you are getting close to the point of taking your wife out for 'a talk.' Not an arguement, but I think she really does need to hear you say some things to her. It may not help anything one whit, but if some day you ever do come to that crossroad of having to decide whether to stay or go, knowing that you have been honest and as communicative with her the best you knew how will I think help you find your peace.
Do you think your wife really understands how serious the problem is here? Do you think she understands how deep in 'crisis' your marriage is? It doesn't sound to me like she does, and I think it is up to you to make sure she 'gets' it. You don't have to threaten her, but I'd be real interested to know her reaction, thoughts, feelings, to a life without you in it, shared custody, single parenthood, etc.
I'm rambling. I'll shut up now. What do you think?
Corri, I am writing this from an HD perspective, so take that for whatever it's worth! HD's tend to feel unsupported, and unloved in general, if the sex falls off for whatever reason. It is the way that I decompress, de-stress, and unwind. If I was having a bad month at work (which I do all the time, since I am a SAHM, lol) and could not decompress by making love with H, I would be very short and snippy. I am not defending your husbands actions at ALL; I don't really think it's that attractive when I do it either! But I am hoping to present the other side of the coin, which is that if your H is having a stressful month, there is NO OTHER time in which he needs your love more than then. I betcha he'd say that he'd rather be a sexed up zombie than a frustrated zombie any day!
I know that making love with a mean zombie probably is not all that attractive to you, but the rewards that you could reap by lovingly offering him some restorative sex are immense.
Ok, I'm most likely way off on my interpretation of your situation but I just thought I'd throw it out there anyway!
You know, I understand everything you've said, and more than likely this is the case for my H...
However, it does not exonerate his responsibility to our relationship. I am not a mind reader and I do not communicate by osmosis. I am more than happy to help out with his physical needs, but I need something other than a glazed over appearance and gruntal noises to let me know that he even recognizes that I am in the room with him.
I don't mean to be snippy, but you know, I have turned myself inside out and upside down to do my part in pulling us out of the 'unhappy relationship swamp.'
I believe the last time he took me out on a date was in... let's see... jesus... April. Now, I am the biggest supporter of doing things for someone because we want to 'give' not because we expect something in return. However, there are boundary issues at play here, and though I want our marriage and relationship to be happy and thrive, I will not become a door mat so he can feel 'loved.'
In this instance, all he has to do is say he misses me, or that he wants to be close to me, or GASP!, take me out to lunch... maybe dinner?... call me from work to just say hi and tell me he's thinking about me and loves me?... rather than piling on the criticism, telling me I've shut him out of my life, I'm withholding, I need to step up his TLC and affection, and be supportive, and do this, and do that...
Sorry, I don't mean to rant at you. But sometimes, I think the HDs need to be a little understanding themselves.
Quote: Sorry, I don't mean to rant at you. But sometimes, I think the HDs need to be a little understanding themselves. Corri
But, Corrie, what happens when the HD turns herself inside out suggesting ideas, trying to help, being available and upbeat. I never criticize, am happy to listen to his work woes and give him a safe place to vent. I make sure I tell him I love him, kiss/hug him every morning before and after work. I've wracked my brain. What else can I possible do or say or offer? We have a C appt on Wednesday, but what happens if the C suggests the same sensual turn-on ideas I have?
This HD is at her wit's end. My self-esteem is in the toilet. I feel worthless and undesireable. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I honestly feel my only lot in the M is as household drudge and source of income, although I'm sure that's not true.
I don't want to hijack Sooner's thread, but I couldn't help but respond to that line in your reply.
Gigi and GraniteRose – thanks to both of you for your support. If nothing else, it’s somewhat encouraging to know that someone else understands my frustration. I’ve been keeping up with your threads and I think that both of you are taking steps in the right direction. But I certainly know how frustrating it can be when progress seems to come so slowly. I’m pulling for both of you and will gladly give you my input if I ever have any worth giving.
Corri – I can help out with half of your internal war. My wife is doing the “South Beach Diet” which is similar to the Adkins diet. The main difference is that the Adkins Diet is extremely strict on carbohydrates and doesn’t really limit fat & cholesterol, while the South Beach Diet employs more common sense with regard to fat & cholesterol while being a bit less strict on carbohydrates (lets you eat the good ones even during the strict phase of the diet). It encourages eating low fat meats (lean beef, chicken breasts, fish, etc.) and cooking them in healthy ways (in olive oil, on the grill, etc.). I’ve been eating the dinners with my wife, and sometimes breakfast, and you actually eat quite well. I’ve lost about 7 pounds myself, although I also started running recently so my weight loss is probably a combination of diet and exercise. I really need exercise more than a diet as I’m not really overweight, just a little more flabby around the middle than I’d like to be. But I do think there’s a lot of benefit to eating healthy, which is what the South Beach Diet really emphasizes.
With regard to the other half of your internal war, I’m right there with you. Let me try to answer some of your questions and fill you in a bit more about something that isn’t helping matters one bit. First, I haven’t thought about having anyone talk with my wife as I’m fairly certain that it would only make matters worse. She’s not open to talking about sexual issues with anyone, including me, so I don’t really think that’s an option. Now if I could get you and MPT together, find some way to have the two of you accidentally run into my wife then gain her trust and admiration, then over the course of a couple of months explain to her what you’ve learned from The Sex-Starved Marriage combined with your own personal experiences, I think she might begin to understand. Unfortunately, however, that scenario is a bit far-fetched.
My wife and I have never been to counseling. I’ve really never felt a need to see a counselor for any reason and I suppose I’ve always seen it as a waste of money. However I’ve reached the point where I think that some kind of marriage counseling could have some benefit – if nothing else the counselor could serve as a mediator so that maybe we could get to the bottom of things without getting into an argument. I’ve suggested counseling to my wife and she’s completely opposed to it – probably because of her inability to open up to anyone combined with thinking that it wouldn’t do any good. I would consider seeing a counselor alone, and I feel like doing so might help me deal with my own emotions, but I doubt that seeing a counselor on my own would really help the situation with my wife. I really think that she has to want things to get better before they will.
Do I think my wife really understands how serious the problem is? No, I don’t think she has any concept of how much I’m hurting or how much the lack of intimacy is hurting our marriage. I’ve tried very hard to communicate that to her, but she still thinks it’s just a matter of me being horny and selfish. I honestly think that the possibility of divorce, single parenthood, shared custody, etc. scares her to death, and I really don’t want to threaten her with those things as I don’t want them either. Also, she’s so stubborn that if I were to give her an ultimatum she’d probably divorce me before she’d admit that she’s part of the problem and needs to put some real effort into fixing things.
The issue that I mentioned which isn’t helping matters is her job. The situation there has gotten worse lately and she’s an emotional wreck because of it. I’m just now starting to understand how bad it is, and how she often lies awake at night dreading going to work the next day. She’s basically being harassed and threatened when she’s done nothing wrong and is actually a huge asset to her company. I personally think that she has a pretty good case for a lawsuit, or at least for getting the jerks she’s dealing with fired, but she doesn’t think she has enough evidence and doesn’t really want to fight for her job when she can’t possibly get rid of all of the jerks. Anyway, I feel terrible for her and I’m trying to be supportive. I can understand why intimacy is not really a priority for her right now, although I honestly believe that having a passionate relationship with her husband would make her happier and more capable of dealing with any other problems that life throws at her. But this obviously isn’t the time to try and convince her of that. Anyway, she’s started looking for another job and I’m hopeful that she’ll find something soon. Until then, I feel like I’ve got to back off with regard to the intimacy issues and just try to show her that I’m on her side. What do you think?
Corri, I understand completely what you are saying. If it's any consolation, my LD husband is crappy at the romance too.
Here is a thought for ya, though: I'm sure your husband thinks that YOU are not being very understanding. Meaning, sometimes it is a situation of "I'm withholding cause he's being mean" vs. "I'm being mean cause she's withholding."
Know what I mean? I think that Michele does a good job of describing this in her books. I play this fun game with my husband, also, and it is soooo frustrating. Both of us are completely convinced that the other is the originator of Crappy Time in our house. I love to cite examples of how he is definitely the one who has caused the rift, but he is just as adamant that he is reacting to ME.
So whaddya think? Is it possible that you are both reacting negatively to the other and both thinking that the other has originated the negativity? Is there any way to just say, Ya know what...forget it. Let's start fresh.
I know it's easier said than done but I've been following your situation and it seems that you've been on a roll lately. It would be a shame to have a setback now.
One more thing: What does he say when you point out that you have stepped up to the plate re: the sex and he has yet to do the same re: more affection and quality time with you?
How come everyone sounds like they are in a rut here? Sooner, sometimes I really feel like shaking your wife and telling her to wake up. Why can't she see how this is affecting you and your M? Anyhow, you sound a lot better than in your earlier posts. Then, you would have said how unloved you feel by your W etc but now you are able to step back and see how perhaps her work situation has somehow added to the sorry sitch. Hopefully, if and when she finds a new job, she will concentrate more on you instead. Although a job change is a stress by itself too so you'd probably have to brace yourself for it. Good luck to you anyway.
I did promise an update. Well, the update, is I'm pregnant. I did mention earlier on that we're trying for a second. Well, we "worked" very hard indeed and I tried to make "making baby" an event to be enjoyed by H with sexy lingerie, perfume etc and he really seemed to enjoy it too. Well, I am about 9 weeks pregnant now and like my previous pregnancy, I feel awfully sick. Why do they call it morning sickness when it lasts all day, every day??!! I will probably feel this way till December at least judging from my previous pregnancy. H has conveniently stopped being passionate (now that his job is done) and just assumes that I am not interested since I am feeling so sick. I am not really complaining though because I have little energy to, its physically exhausting to be pregnant at 37 and with a one year old to look after. So I'm just going to hang in there for another year. It helps that H is much more affectionate now than previously. And like you Sooner, I no longer feel inadequate or sorry for myself that H has no desire for me etc. I know there is nothing wrong with me and I am confident of Hs love for me. There are just other issues at play here and I am also confident of being able to overcome it in time with understanding and patience.
Corri, you're sounding great. You are really doing well to be able to hold your tongue and not go to WAR. It takes a lot of control and I am sure it will help your R in a big way and your H will notice the difference and stop complaining too. How could one possible go on complaining at a loving spouse who smiles at you and holds back what she wants to say even though she thinks its justified? So keep at it.
Uh oh...Got to go visit the sink now folks. Take care. LH
Hi Corri and Sooner Hey I'm gonna look into this South Beach diet thing! Anyway since I came on here I have been reading a lot of the divorce busting threads. It's really interesting, I suppose every marriage needs a little DBing.
Anyway Corri I was thinking you could try the detaching and acting as if techniques on your H. Stop over reacting to his over reactions, just be your normal cheery self. If he says something just validate it and then move on. Don't have R talks, just get on with your life making it more fun for yourself in the process. At the same time act as if he is being the way you wish he was. I think the idea of this is that if you act as if something is a certain way it becomes a sort of self fulfilling prophesy.
Well not sure if I described them properly, but I expect you have read the books and know what I mean. So just an idea for you.
Sooner, I have never been to a c but am a lot less against it now than in the past. I think you need a good one tho trained in solution based therapy the way Michelle advocates and pref with a knowledge of Michelle's work. Maybe you could try a phone consult from this site? Having some c on your own is definately a good way of doing it. I think one of the principles of DB is that one partner can change the whole marriage because you can't stay the same if your partner changes. So although I think your W could do with some help herself, if you are better and stronger ect that will help her too, and they may have some ideas for you about how to talk to her.
My only 'little one' is off in grad school working on her doctorate.
37 isn't too old for a second. I wish we could have had four or five. I am extremely proud for you!!
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Congratulations! I'm so happy for you. You seem to be doing great (except for the all day morning sickness of course) and you definitely have that "glow" even in your writing. I hope that you get to feeling better soon. I'm swamped so I've got to get back to work, but I wanted to let you know that your post put a big smile on my face.
HD's tend to feel unsupported, and unloved in general, if the sex falls off for whatever reason. It is the way that I decompress, de-stress, and unwind. If I was having a bad month at work (which I do all the time, since I am a SAHM, lol) and could not decompress by making love with H, I would be very short and snippy. I am not defending your husbands actions at ALL; I don't really think it's that attractive when I do it either! But I am hoping to present the other side of the coin, which is that if your H is having a stressful month, there is NO OTHER time in which he needs your love more than then. I betcha he'd say that he'd rather be a sexed up zombie than a frustrated zombie any day! 
