I think perhaps I am going through the what in my case is the final stage of surviving the D... I am finally tired enough to not be strong - yet strong enough to not be afraid to grieve the end of my R with The X.
I needed The X to be all wrong and be everything that represents an anti-R at one time. I needed to focus on everything that was wrong and went wrong in my M b/c I simply was not strong enough to face the pain of losing what was right.
I couldn't and didn't even allow even the thought of an R to enter my brain for 5 years b/c I could not face needing a P in my life. I needed to believe that I was strong enough to live my life P-less. I didn't have the strength to face what I had and lost - b/c I didn't have the strength to open myself to taking a risk where I find it and lose it all again.
And now that I am opening a part of myself that was sealed tight for 5 years - I find myself missing many of the good things from when my M was good. I find myself remembering the reasons why I M The X. I find myself wanting those good parts again.
My M was good at one time - very good. And then every single X family member died w/in a three year period - two grandfathers, mother, father, and grandmother - three of them from prolonged illnesses that involved repeated extended trips to Germany. He no longer had family to pick him up at the airport when he returned to Germany. He no longer had a place to call home in Germany. And after that last death is when my M started to die.
The X did do some things towards the end of my M that crossed boundaries that should not have been crossed. I suppose I did my share of not so nice things too... Things are never nice when a M is crumbling...
And I made a lot of mistakes. The X needed to be needed by me. I wasn't very good at showing that I needed him. I didn't need him perhaps in a traditional W sense. I didn't need him to fight my battles. I needed him to trust me to fight my battles. His faith in me gave me the strength I needed when I felt weak/tired. I really miss that...
One time when I was really tired - he set up our vacation in Alaska - to where all I had to do was show up. It was one of the most magical vacations I have ever been on.
One time when we had a 2 1/2 week vacation planned to India in December - The Firm was not doing well and all of the partners announced they would be canceling their time off at Christmas. We had to bump our trip to March. The X was very understanding and supportive.
And there were times when I surprised him with vacations or outings. On is B-day I got ticketst to the Blue Man Group and made reservations at a very nice restaurant and really dressed up (something I need to do more often...). He had always wanted to see The Blue Man Group - I told him he had to guess his present and spent two weeks giving him all sorts of bizarre clues. There were times when he was tired and I planned a surprise getaway and kidnapped him.
I didn't allow The X to pamper me as much as he wanted to. After one of the bombs - he moved out. It was my birthday. I had always wanted Mikimoto pearls - so I went out and bought a necklace and earring set as a gift for myself. He was actually happy. He said it was hard for him to feel free to do things like that for me. He was right - I wasn't very good at accepting gifts from him graciously.
And while I have posted about bristling when men compliment me. I really don't care what non-R men think of me. All that mattered to me was that The X thought I was attractive when I was M to him. And he always told me he thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world. If I dressed up - he use to say I had increaseed the impossible by even looking more beautiful. I don't think I realized or acknowledged how much that meant to me.
My M is over. Sometimes an R breaks so completely it simply cannot be repaired - like Humpty Dumpty. That is what happened to my M. Perhaps I wasn't strong enough to fight for it - maybe he wasn't. Maybe I was afraid of failing or getting hurt - so didn't try as hard as I could have...
I am no longer in love with The X. And he has remarried. But remembering the good things about my M is making me sad but is also helping me let it go.
I want another R again someday. I am in no rush. I would like to be in an R with a person that has faith in me. I don't need a knight in shining armour. I want someone that saddles my horse and tells me that he knows I am going to be okay b/c he believes in me even when I stop believing in myself.
I am not looking for an X-clone. I am looking for someone that gives me the type of support that I need in an R.
Funny how it has taken me 5 years to be able to think about why my M was actually good at one time.
Life is good. I feel like this extreme tiredness is lowering my self control and setting myself free.
