As for the outfit...what is something you have but wouldn't usually wear? Maybe some combo from your closet you never thought about before. I'm sure Lola would suggest FM heels
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Hey Julia, thats not nice to see something like that. The annoying thing is, its such a small piece of information that you start imagining all sorts to make sense of it, I know. But you have done well if you have put it out of your mind.
I wanted to ask, how come your H's family are ignoring you? Do they feel awkward? Are they on his side? Is there anyone in the family (e.g: SIL) that you could reach out to? My BIL never spoke to me after my ex left, after 9 years of being close to him, my SIL sent me an unkind email saying she was sick of other peoples problems and would only talk to me about my plans for the future (nice!)..but then I stayed at their house a few months ago and they were totally welcoming.. yet if I had taken their actions months earlier to heart, I'd have sworn they wanted nothing more to do with me! I'm just saying, you dont know, people find it awkward to reach out. My ex's BMF W said to me she hadnt called as she ijust didnt know what to say, which was silly... so could you try contacting her? If you make a few inroads into your old family R's (I dont mean stalking, just the odd phone convo/email say!) maybe you will feel less excluded? For me, my ex was totally fine about me doing this, he didnt see it as 'his' friends and family, as he could have done, but I dont know how your H would react, so if you think it wouldnt help matters, then ignore me !
Ok, phew, long ramble over. BTW, a girl who contacts someone via FB to ask for a code to play online with a Wii machine, doesnt sound like much of a catch, IMHO !!!! But maybe I'm just getting old
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
OD - thank you for making me laugh! I think the thought of me in hot pants would just be too horrendous!! I will try and get into some banter tomorrow though, could help to lighten the mood and laughing is such a good way of connecting. I shall think of some bus jokes or something! Or I could ask him if he had to be a bus, what number would he be lol!
Jen - I took your advice and have put together a new outfit that I have never worn before. A smart/ feminine top that is quite boobatious and some smart black trousers (I would be meeting him from the office so I want to look semi-authoritative and important) and a pair of high heeled boots (I NEVER wear heels and I remember he commented once when I wore some similar before). Also, I thought as an added touch, I don't wear my wedding ring anymore as a sign that I have accepted what he says but I have got a necklace and bracelet that he gave me for my 21st. It is subtle so he may not notice but it is just a gesture. I don't know - too much pressure?
Ali - I have always been the one to initiate contact with h's parents and after I phoned them devastated from Kuala Lumper as I was trying to get hold of H they have never contacted me since. I did FB his sister in June as it was her 21st birthday to say happy birthday and she replied saying we should meet up this summer but I won't be holding my breath on that one! Thank you for your last sentence - it made me feel a lot better.
Hi Julia...sounds like a great outfit...make sure you wear a little makeup (mascara and lip gloss go a long way) and I agree with Lisa keep the jewelery on.
I couldn't agree more with Ali about the "OW"! If she were such a great friend of SIL why not just ring her up? Something I've learned the hard way is don't put so much importance in a person who isn't at all important to you.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Something I've learned the hard way is don't put so much importance in a person who isn't at all important to you.
Jen, thank you so much for that. Ii really helped me put things in perspective!
Pisces - thank you for checking in on me. I'm so excited by your sitch. I have been looking over it for tips on how to act tonight.
OD - If I were a bus I would be the 134 as once your on, you're on it for the long haul
Well, I was just starting to get anxious about whether tonight was actually going to happen as I hadn't heard from my h and have been restraining myself from sending a text all morning and he just sent one to me now asking if we were still meeting tonight. Phew, another opportunity not to come over as a nagging wife.
I am taking a half days leave today as my eldest sister is coming down to London to spend the afternoon with me - something we have had planned for ages so that should help take my mind off things.
I'm not very well today though, I've been sick a few times. It could either be nerves/ shock or I ate shell fish yesterday. I'm hoping it will pass...
I am planning to do lots of acting as if today and also to work on listening and not assuming.
A really nice thing happened this morning though, when I came into the office there was a pot of flowers on my desk from the receptionist. She has been going through a really rough time lately and I have been doing lots of listening and DBing (in a way I was practising the art). It said 'Thank you for your help and for just being a friend'. I'm so touched.
Aww, it sounds like you really made a difference in her life--that's great. It takes a special kind of person to reach out to others even while in the depths of their own pain, and that's you.
I haven't read everyone else's posts closely, so if this is a repeat, I'm sorry--but I'd like to suggest you stop checking your H's or your SIL's Facebook pages completely, or anyone else that might have the OW on there. In this case, what you don't know won't hurt you. My worry/pain/sickness in my stomach over possible OW pretty much stopped when I stopped snooping. You know she's out there, you know enough about her to be the greener grass--and that's all you need to know.
Please, please do yourself that favor.
And as far as tonight, I know you're nervous, so here's some techniques I found to calm your nerves, make you appear more relaxed:
The best advice I can give you is to try to look directly in his eyes when talking to him or listening to him, it will create a connection, and it will calm you down considerably.
Good luck tonight!
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
Julia- being yourself is all you need to do. whatever worked with your receptionist will work with your H. listen, really listen and empathetically reply. make it all about him. keep going with his thoughts for as long as he needs. silence is ok too. a soft smile during the silence is nice too. love. kindness....you know it all! you are a sweet woman.
if he says something dramatic just take a breath and slowly say- can you tell me more and say i understand. no matter what you can understand.
its not about you!
so if its all good- its all bout you! ha ha- just kidding - but you know what i mean.
you are doing great and DB'ing is your way of life now!
you are so clear that you even asking for all this help and clarity is exactly what will get you your dreams.
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
Well, the first thing I wanted to write was HE IS SOOOO LOVELY! I remembered why I love him and came away feeling warm and fuzzy and IN LOVE. I haven't felt that for a long time.
So there were a few things that could have really wound me up before we started but I let it go. He texted me this morning to say were we meeting after work. I replied to say yes, where did he fancy meeting? Anyway I got no response, so I detached and went and had a wonderful afternoon shopping with my sister. At 16.53 I got a message from him. I didn't hear it and at 16.58 I got a message asking if I'd got his message. Before I would have blown my top - outrageous that he doesn't reply and I am expected to be at the end of the phone waiting on his call. I let it go... responded to say I was in Oxford st, he said to meet at Green Park. I said I was with my sister, what time. He said half an hour but not to hurry on his account. So I said could we meet at 6 to which he answered that was ok but he had to be somewhere at 7.30 so (instead of getting angry) I replied '5.45 :)'
So we met up, I had just bought a really nice coat and a couple of people gave me compliments so I was feeling quite confident. I said did he know anywhere and he said yes, there was a place he'd been to before (I suppressed my jealousy and didn't ass-u-me). We went in and I asked if he wanted to eat or just get a drink and he said just a drink as he'd had a big lunch. Instead of just saying ok, I'll just have a drink I said that I'd have a small something as I was hungry (I felt that it showed a bit of independence and I was hungry!).
So we found a table and sat down. They had a sharers menu and I looked over it and the waitress brought over a menu and I chose some chicken bites thing. I know that he really likes those so I said they either come in a starter portion or they do a bigger sharer portion. Would you like some? And he looked pleased and said yes. He ordered a coke and I had a glass of wine. This is a bit of a 180 for me and I hoped it would show I was his peer, plus I quite fancied one!
So we had some general, quite awkward chat like we have done previously. He said he was very tired from working the Notting Hill carnival. I think I surprised him by saying 'oh, yeah I went to that'. He got interested then and started asking me about my journey there and back (he works for in transport). I explained and said that I went to a prom. So we then caught up on Albert Hall gossip (we used to love bitching and discussing that stuff together!). Then we he said about the finances. He said how annoying it was and I validated (it is!!). He asked what we should do so I answered that I had brought some bank statements, would he like to have a look. He said yes and looked through them. He identified that he had a few personal direct debits coming from there (yay, I didn't have to point it out!) and added up the direct debits that we have to pay from there.
He said, 'but we pay more in each month than goes out' and I said 'I know' and validated. I showed him the balance at the moment and we estimated how much would come out before we both paid money in and we would be £800 overdrawn. He said, well it looks like we have to put some extra money in there. I said yes, just to bring it more into the black (he looked worried at this point). I said but we don't have to put it all in this month, for example we could both put in an extra £200 this month and an extra £200 next month. He looked really pleased with this suggestion and agreed.
It kind of came around somehow in the conversation (I can't remember how) but I managed to ask him if he ever checked the account. He replied yes, just the balance at a cash point around the time of the mortgage and I said that was great. Maybe if we just send each other a text if we check it that everything's ok and he said that was fine.
At this point he went to the toilets and I felt discouraged. I felt no connection and even though everything was amicable, that was really all it was. So, I paid the bill (as most of it was mine!) and also I had said drinks are on me in my original email. When he came back he went to look at it and I said it was ok I'd paid. He looked really pleased and said thank you. I was expecting him to make a move to go at that point but he sat down again. I nearly made the move to go (as Michelle says you should be the first to leave) but I stopped myself and went with the flow.
He initiated conversation again (I can't remember what about). He asked me how the gardening had gone and I said great would he like to see a picture (I had it on my phone). I ended up showing him loads of pictures of the cat which he loved and he said what an amazing job I'd done on the garden.
Then I asked about his Bf in NY and he said he was doing great and had joined a band. I said how great that was, had h found anything like that? He said no, hesitated, and then told me that he had signed up to be a mentor at work. I asked what that was and he explained that it was meeting with someone lower in the company who wanted to be a manager and explaining what that was and guiding them through. I said how wonderful that was, as he was really good at things like that, it was using his strengths (it is one of his strengths and he knows that so it wasn't too gushy for me to say that). I referred back to a time at uni when he had put on a musical production with a local youth group and how successful he'd been at encouraging the kids and did he remember that amazing card they sent him afterwards thanking him. He smiled with pride and said yes.
I also took a bit of a risk by teasing him a bit. He said that it would start in a couple of weeks because they had to match him with someone similar to him. I said 'oh that's good' then he said something and I smiled and said 'I hope they don't pair you with someone annoying' and he laughed and said 'yeah' then I laughed and said 'mind you if they do (then something like) what does that say about you (but it was phrased better). He laughed a lot at this. This is very much my sense of humour!! I'm pleased that I felt relaxed enough to joke with him (I think the wine helped...) and it paid off. I love that it wasn't the rigid politeness that has developed.
He said he was sorry he had to go, some of the people he manages were going on a course tomorrow and he had the tickets and he had to go over to Waterloo to drop them off. Here was my big 180 - instead of disapproving that he was making so much effort for not much return or rolling my eyes or giving off vibes I said that he was a wonderful boss! He looked so pleased and proud.
As we left I rubbed his arm and said thank you for helping out with the account. He said no worries it actually turned out to be quite simple (me thinking no kidding!!! but keeping my mouth shut! ) Then when we got to the station he said well, I suppose I'll see you soon. He hasn't said that before!!! And I smiled and said yes, bye and headed off down the escalator.
So, not having expectations but we ended up having some natural flowing conversations and we formed a connection which allowed free flowing conversation. Yay! And we got the bank account sorted! Double yay! And I think we both left smiling! Triple Yay!
