My crisis of faith is over. My heart has won over my wallet. I need to give a little back - not b/c I want validation from women that follow me in similar career paths or outside of my professional circle but b/c I owe it to the women ahead of me that ploughed the way and made it easier for me. The women ahead of me made incredible sacrifices that has made my success possible. I need to pay it forward.
I have always been an Obama supporter - but have had a phenominal amount of respect and admiration for what Hilary has achieved - especially on behalf of women. She has shattered a glass ceiling.
There are times I wonder at the ludicrous choice I made to become "invisible" by forming my Remington Steele firm to hide my gender and establish myself as serious player. Most attorneys go out of their way to advertise - I have gone out of my way to make sure there is nothing about me anywhere. It is what I needed to do to shatter my glass ceiling. And now that I have established myself - I am slowly becoming visible. I am the most senior attorney that does what I do in the entire Chicago area. All the other women that were my contemporaries and behind me have dropped out along the way...
When Hilary made the comment about the sisterhood of the rraveling pantsuits - it did make me cry a little. I joined that sisterhood in 1997 and have not worn a skirt/dress to work since.
My first law firm was 12 attorneys - all men and me. The managing partner use to make comments all the time. One day when I wore a suit with a skirt - he made comments all day long. This same partner was being sued by his former assistant for sexual harassment - he thought it was a joke. The firm settled by making an 80k payment to the assistant.
In any event, the next day, I confided in a friend at work how uncomfortable it made me feel. He responded by saying - well you have to admit - you looked hot - we all enjoyed the view that day.
I was stunned and felt so violated and betrayed. The X was actually very sweet and understanding that day. He contained his anger, did not try to fix unfixable things - just listened and supported me. I switched to pants the next day and never switched back - not even at formal occasions. Well I did wear a long formal dress once - but showed absolutely no leg.
The truth is that after that whole pre-Anita Hill days sexual harassment case that I did fight I decided to leave engineering. I wanted to work in an environment with more women. So that is why I went to study environmental law. It was quite an interesting twist that I ended up in an even more male dominated environment where very few of the legal remedies are avalable to me - unless I want to be blacklisted.
I think sometimes I get tired from the work and sometimes I get tired of being a woman at work. And there have been times when I really just want to walk away from it all. During my post-D period - I was so ready to walk away - and The Nutty Partner of all people persuaded me to stay. I remember walking into his office and telling him - I was tired and I was done. Every other woman I knew had dropped out and I wanted to do the same thing.
There are a lot of really great men that have helped me along the way. It is just the small percentage of weird ones that make life difficult.
The truth is that the world is changing and as I rise within my profession - that kind of stuff is going away...
I am tired. No doubt about it. This vacation is long overdue.
Life is good. I just need to recharge completely so I can stand back up again - not till I have just enough energy to crawl a little further and topple over again.
I think perhaps I am going through the what in my case is the final stage of surviving the D... I am finally tired enough to not be strong - yet strong enough to not be afraid to grieve the end of my R with The X.
I needed The X to be all wrong and be everything that represents an anti-R at one time. I needed to focus on everything that was wrong and went wrong in my M b/c I simply was not strong enough to face the pain of losing what was right.
I couldn't and didn't even allow even the thought of an R to enter my brain for 5 years b/c I could not face needing a P in my life. I needed to believe that I was strong enough to live my life P-less. I didn't have the strength to face what I had and lost - b/c I didn't have the strength to open myself to taking a risk where I find it and lose it all again.
And now that I am opening a part of myself that was sealed tight for 5 years - I find myself missing many of the good things from when my M was good. I find myself remembering the reasons why I M The X. I find myself wanting those good parts again.
My M was good at one time - very good. And then every single X family member died w/in a three year period - two grandfathers, mother, father, and grandmother - three of them from prolonged illnesses that involved repeated extended trips to Germany. He no longer had family to pick him up at the airport when he returned to Germany. He no longer had a place to call home in Germany. And after that last death is when my M started to die.
The X did do some things towards the end of my M that crossed boundaries that should not have been crossed. I suppose I did my share of not so nice things too... Things are never nice when a M is crumbling...
And I made a lot of mistakes. The X needed to be needed by me. I wasn't very good at showing that I needed him. I didn't need him perhaps in a traditional W sense. I didn't need him to fight my battles. I needed him to trust me to fight my battles. His faith in me gave me the strength I needed when I felt weak/tired. I really miss that...
One time when I was really tired - he set up our vacation in Alaska - to where all I had to do was show up. It was one of the most magical vacations I have ever been on.
One time when we had a 2 1/2 week vacation planned to India in December - The Firm was not doing well and all of the partners announced they would be canceling their time off at Christmas. We had to bump our trip to March. The X was very understanding and supportive.
And there were times when I surprised him with vacations or outings. On is B-day I got ticketst to the Blue Man Group and made reservations at a very nice restaurant and really dressed up (something I need to do more often...). He had always wanted to see The Blue Man Group - I told him he had to guess his present and spent two weeks giving him all sorts of bizarre clues. There were times when he was tired and I planned a surprise getaway and kidnapped him.
I didn't allow The X to pamper me as much as he wanted to. After one of the bombs - he moved out. It was my birthday. I had always wanted Mikimoto pearls - so I went out and bought a necklace and earring set as a gift for myself. He was actually happy. He said it was hard for him to feel free to do things like that for me. He was right - I wasn't very good at accepting gifts from him graciously.
And while I have posted about bristling when men compliment me. I really don't care what non-R men think of me. All that mattered to me was that The X thought I was attractive when I was M to him. And he always told me he thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world. If I dressed up - he use to say I had increaseed the impossible by even looking more beautiful. I don't think I realized or acknowledged how much that meant to me.
My M is over. Sometimes an R breaks so completely it simply cannot be repaired - like Humpty Dumpty. That is what happened to my M. Perhaps I wasn't strong enough to fight for it - maybe he wasn't. Maybe I was afraid of failing or getting hurt - so didn't try as hard as I could have...
I am no longer in love with The X. And he has remarried. But remembering the good things about my M is making me sad but is also helping me let it go.
I want another R again someday. I am in no rush. I would like to be in an R with a person that has faith in me. I don't need a knight in shining armour. I want someone that saddles my horse and tells me that he knows I am going to be okay b/c he believes in me even when I stop believing in myself.
I am not looking for an X-clone. I am looking for someone that gives me the type of support that I need in an R.
Funny how it has taken me 5 years to be able to think about why my M was actually good at one time.
Life is good. I feel like this extreme tiredness is lowering my self control and setting myself free.
I was away all day - lots of activity on the BB. I have no comment.
This tiredness has been a good thing b/c it forced me to relax.
Appearance: Today was my haircut day and there was enough for locks of love and now my hair is well short. It feels good to go short.
I decided that the dresses I bought last week were still "too uptight" looking so I went to another store located just below my hair place and there were lots of cotton sundresses and tops of sale. So now I am happy with my new wardrobe for the my trip.
Work: Humongo client Turbulence is still there. However The Turbulence has strengthened my R with my Boss and another attorney that sends me work. Work is flowing in. I am booked solid through the end of October maybe even November.
And we will see if my other strong contact that has left for Humongo Client II will want to send me work. I will think of that when it happens.
Dating: When I went on my trip last year - I wasn't emotionally ready to open myself up to a potential R. I don't think you can ever be completely ready - but there has to be a point where you switch from theory to implementing in reality. I am okay with my D. I am okay with The X. I am okay with letting the past go. I needed to get here for me before I could open myself up to a potential romantic R.
Housework: Nothing that can wait till I get back will get done before I leave.
I still have the things I found that belong to The X during my intense cleaning frenzy last fall. At that time I didn't want to send it to him. I was going to give the stuff away to charity. I am going to give the stuff to our common friend to give to The X when he sees him again. It is the right thing to do.
Vacation: I am starting to get excited about my trip. It will so nice to get away from everything - no laptop and no phones. Beautiful beach - warm water - scuba diving - sailing lessons - yoga on the beach...
The only goal - I am going to make sure that I have a week long vacation scheduled every six months. I don't want to allow myself to get this tired again.
Life is good - I am sleeping again and my appetite is back!
How is Jayce doing? Is there a recuperation period?
The poor kitties will be indoor walkless kitties for a week. There was one time when I came home from a business trip to find that Picasso had managed to work the kitty door open and set everyone free to come and go as they please! LOL! He is a persistent little guy.
Thank you for the validation Soup - it means a lot to me coming from you.
I know it is a little nuts maybe - but I had to really let the last R go with peace before I could open myself up to a new R. Actually - you were my model with respect to where I wanted to go mentally with respect to The X.
I think that my profession required me to really be rigidly tightly controlled b/c of my gender. And b/c it is male dominated and some of the not so nice things that I had to contend with - over time it infected my view of men in general and the way I carried myself, dressed, etc. I didn't want to admit it to myself - but it did.
I know I have great male friends and I know that many of my male colleagues have helped me get to where I am today - but they are safe and since my D I never let anyone in beyond the point of "male girlfriend." And quite frankly with my attitude these past few years - I pity the men that tried to cross that line b/c there was a huge no trespassing sign and I was ruthless when it came to enforcing it.
I didn't do this before my M AND I didn't do this BEFORE I became a patent attorney. I think both are relevant in how my brain is wired with respect to R's. Engineering world, while a challenge, was much more female friendly that patent world.
During my large law firm days, a good male friend/fellow patent attorney called me to talk about stuff and casually asked if I was dating. I remember snapping at him "I have to deal with men all day at work - do you honestly think I want deal with more of the same when go home." He said very quietly "You know we are not all like that." He is a friend that knows about and supported me through some of the gender-based issues I have faced at work.
I simply cannot afford to make mistakes at work b/c of my gender. I cannnot afford to show emotion b/c you get labelled as an emotional woman. The world is changing and it is getting easier - but we still have a ways to go. In any case, there is a part of me that felt like I failed in my M - I mean it ended - no better proof than that - right? And I could not handle facing the prospect of failing again. But really a healthy M does not end b/c you make a mistake - my brain was reactively mis-wired.
Emailing Man has been gently chipping away at my resistance over time. He is the one that sent me off to The Resort last year. And recently he has been talking about how R's are not perfect. He had this loving smile on his face that denotes genuine affection the one time he talked about silly things his W does. He prefaced that discussion with - "R's do not have to be perfect you know. I love my W - but she is not perfect." I want that again - I want someone that gives me permission to make mistakes. I can't make mistakes at work - I can't be that rigid and controlled at home. It is possible that makes me a higher maintanence R in some ways...
And as far as needing someone in my life. I do need and want a P in my life. I want the emotional intimacy (the physical would be nice again too ). I need the emotional support. I wasn't able to do that with The X. I can say it now - I need the emotional support that a P provides in a healthy R. I want someone to share my successes with and support me when things aren't so great.
Now the question of "supplies." For awhile I had no expectation or desire for an R - so really was much more open to no strings attached physical. This vacation will provide plenty of opportunities for that... Of course - now that I want the emotional - the physical aspect is not as compelling anymore... I think I will buy "supplies" - yes the old ones have actually expired - it has been that long.... And see how I feel when I am there... No need to decide at this moment what I will be doing 2-9 days from now.
In any case, I actually do have to get a few things out the door at work today. The fun goal today is going to the dive shop to upgrade and rent scuba gear for my trip.
Life is good - and even better when you can gently release the past and watch it float away...
Sometimes life throws a nice little unexpected little gift your way.
I decided at the last minute that I neeeded a yoga class tonight to really get me completely relaxed. This is one of my two favorite teachers - yes one of the two EE teachers - the male teacher - the very incredibly toned teacher with well the kind of body that can distract from one's yoga practice...
This is a first - tonight I happen to be his ONLY student - with did I mention incredibly good looking yoga teacher....
So when I first arrived - we talked about politics and forgot to do that whole breathing part! LOL! My two EE yoga teachers and I use to go out for breakfast all the time and discuss all sorts of horribly politically incorrect stuff - lately we have all been busy at work...
Then well - nothing extraordinary - I told him about my trouble spots. And he figured out what poses - and well he ahem...adjusted my position and pushed on the pressure points to release frozen muscles so I could get deeper into the position. And he does this with all of his students - it was well a little different when I was the ONLY student! I found myself thinking thoughts I hadn't thought in a very long time.
Unfortunately and most regretably - my yoga teacher is very happily married!
I think a dormant part of me is coming back to life. It has been a long time since a man has had this effect on me.
I think I gravitate towards EE's is b/c we have a very warped way of thinking and talking.
Life is very very silly - which is very very good!
Jayce has to have blood work done in 3 months to determine if the radiation iodine treatment worked. We're hoping that we'll see the impact before that if he gains weight again. If the blood work shows it didn't work he has to have the treatment again.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful news!
