I have thought a lot this past week about... Vulnerability. and about how maybe I was a part of my hubby acting the way he does. I thought of myself and my husband. Was I at all to blame for his behavior? { not his drinking but his attitude and behavior towards me? }
For my sitch. And MY Marriage.
OK so sure my hubby is x, y and z. But what if my 'attitude' was somehow drawing the 'assh*le' in him out?
Was I ever vulnerable with him?
I pondered it and thought what the hell. I am going to experiment.
and to explain what I did is hard but I will try.
I decided to be ' lighter ' with him.
And by that I mean...
I decided to not have expectations of him As in, he should really have said Thank you, boy is he rude.
I decided not to be so hard on him. As in, that is not the way I would have done it and therefore he doesn't love me.
I decided not to prove myself to him so much. Maybe it comes off as I think I am better than him. YUCK~ As in trying so hard to be perfect { FOO BS~} that I forget to live and breathe.
I decided to just have fun with him like I would anyone else. To let the past go. To stop worrying so damn much. To enjoy him and allow him to enjoy me.
The real me... not the me trying to prove , I deserve for him to enjoy me.
He is not my 'parents' I don't need to get his attention. I already have it. he is my husband.
I don't have to get straight A's I don't have to be on the drill Team. I don't have to fight for every ounce of attention. I don't have to excel at everything I can just be me, I can enjoy life and have fun too. It is OK! The glorious person that God created... that he made. Just me flaws and all. I am special just because I am not because I have to bend over backwards. He does love me... but I am trying so hard to prove myself... I never get to enjoy the good moments when he shines and has shown me love.
