Please help me to not give up............

[grant]

Just a quick update. Not a great deal to report, apart from the 1st session with C yesterday. It was an initial consultation, so really all that happened was that I spoke about my situation at great length, and the problems and issues that I believe I have which have lead me here. It was quite cathartic to be able to just talk about how I felt, without fearing that I was burdening somebody. I don't really have many people that I feel I can talk to about this, and those that there are, I really don't want to keep banging on about it.

However, I really must have needed to talk, because when I started, I didn't stop talking for about 40 minutes. She did say that she would need to see me at least one more time before we both commit to ongoing therapy/counselling.
I am hopeful that I'll get something out of this, even if it doesn't help with my M, I know that it will help me to deal with things and some of the issues that I have.
One thing that she did point out, was my perceived lack of self esteem, and noted that was something that I needed to work on. That of course is in line with all the good advice that I have received here.

Had a slightly more positive day yesterday. Forced myself to go out and have a drink and a meal in a local pub, and then met up with some friends to go to the movies.

W had called and left a message to ask how ny C session went. I was a bit surprised by that, although I know that she is a good person and still cares about me. I didn't expect it though, and I try not to read anything into it other than that.

She has since texted me to ask when I'll be home next, and that she will not move out for my visit. I think this is good, and I really must use it as an opportunity to implement more DBing and to see my boys.
Also, seems like her sister is now splitting with her partner. What the hell is going on? There are some huge things happening in the cosmos right now.

I am starting to see your point TD, about her having checked out a long time ago and that I really am playing catch up. That helps to understand her remoteness and the icy cold way she is with me sometimes. There are times though, when I still see little glimpses of the person that I love. This must be so so difficult for her too, and I know I must help myself and her, by being a strong man and by not succumbing to negativity and stress.

I wish I could do more, and I really hope that time will indeed prove to be a friend.