What's going well?

[istherehope]

What are some of the things that are WORKING for you?

It depends. We've been apart one month now. 2 weeks I was in the same country, and for the last 2 weeks I haven't been. What worked in the same country was to really notice his physical appearance, and how good he looks since he's been working out more. It also worked for me to make fairly big gestures that were 180s for me, even though they weren't acknowledged until recently, e.g. I said I'd be willing to move somewhere for my H, and last week he said what flexibility this demonstrated to him, and how much he appreciated it.

What's been working since I've been out of the country is to never be the first to initiate contact. I let him take the lead. On days where he initiates contact, I usually send one short email that is a kind of 180, e.g. apologizing for something he brought up on a joint phone session, or offering to give him some of my own spending money for his guys' trip. These things haven't been directly acknowledged yet, but with H things seem to take a few weeks to register. I am also matching H's mood. He is pretty somber and depressed at the moment, so I have recently quit trying to be overly enthusiastic, and have answered questions with one-word responses. Usually this means he communicates a little bit more.

Whether they are helping you to keep your sanity, or helping your interactions during your separation?

I'd say the bigger gestures are helping my sanity, but I don't know for sure yet if they are helping the interactions; they are calculated risks. The responding to his tone with the same tone seems to be helping the interactions insomuch as it draws him out a bit.

What kind of communication is working?

99% of the time we have conversations only over IM. He called once, and this was very pleasant, but generally speaking he dislikes the phone.

Does it help to vary the time or place?

Since we're not in the same country, the place doesn't seem to matter. We usually communicate during business hours as this is when we are both online. I would say that on Sundays (another day we usually talk) when we communicate the conversations are a bit lighter, maybe because there isn't the added pressure of being in the office.

Are you talking in person, over the phone, text or email?

Emails go back and forth, but mainly about business things like the budget. I send emails that aren't responded to, but that I think may still be working. We will be having phone sessions with a DB coach, so this is really the only phone interaction. IM is the main medium and it's his preferred medium, and text is only for pressing issues such as needing to know something within the next few minutes, for whatever reason.

ITH