I'm sorry I've been away, but w/ the start of school, things have been hectic for me. So, I'll apologize in advance for this being long. I just hope you'll all stick w/ me and read it all to catch up. I really do love and value all my cyber-friends here and I'm hoping to meet some of you in person some day.
So, a lot has happened since I last posted, so I'll try to summarize everything for you all. I started back to school on August 5th w/ the usual time wasters known as "teacher training days." School officially started for us on the 13th and I'm just now getting into the swing of things. Yes, I'm behind on my grading, but at least I'm comfortable again and have some idea of what I'm doing on a daily basis, so it is honestly only a matter of time before I'm ahead of the game again. I'm pretty sure my fellow educators out there know what I'm talking about.
In any event, I'm always drained the first week of school, so I've been coming home and basically sleeping. The weekends are when I get to see my D, so I haven't been able to use them to catch up w/ all my friends here. So, I'm awake and have energy, so I'm doing it now. My next step will be to catch up w/ all of your lives which I will do tonight or tomorrow.
So, my sitch is the same. More Jeckyll and Hyde. It is frustrating, but I had an excellent session w/ my DB coach on Saturday after an awful week of roller coastering w/ W.
Last week, W and I talk about my picking up D and she whines about how it isn't fair that I get her on the weekends while she only sees her in the afternoons and has to drag her out of bed each day. I reminded W she's the one who decided to move across the Valley to which W told me "the move was practical."
I asked her practical for whom and there was nothing but silence. After a minute or so, W fires off "where did all the money go?" I told her I didn't know and she made some wild claims about my not alleged telling her it was "her problem" during my deposition (for the record, I scoured my deposition copy and found nothing at all of this sort - and I'm not suprised as W's entire claims against me are contrived and baseless). I later offered to have us hire a forensic accountant but this too did not get a response. Again no suprise.
Monday, W sends me a message asking me why D sleeps w/ me when she's w/ me. I reply telling her I thought we'd addressed this, but D is freaked out and clingy w/ me and thus she's in my bed (Now I realize I'm taking the easy, lazy way out and not being a good parent by doing this now. Before I didn't quite see it that way, but I've fixed it).
I also asked her for suggestions and advice, but instead of replying on Monday, W was nice, sweet and complimentary. She instigated a call to tell me my favorite Elvis song ("A Little Less Conversation") was being played repeatedly in "Lilo and Stitch 2." This continued to Tuesday and naturally I played along thinking "be nice when she's nice."
On Wednesday the nasty e-mail came again. She said it was a problem w/ D sleeping w/ me b/c I had "sexually assaulted her" and b/c my "grandfather had molested my mother." I replied and didn't follow the DB manual b/c I told her that I came to her for help and advice and she belittled me and insulted me. Thus, I told her I'd figure it out on my own from now on.
Wednesday night, W was nice and instigating conversation. Same thing on Thursday. Friday was the nasty reply in which she said she didn't belittle or insult me but "stated the truth." Now, I resisted the urge to call her on her "truths" and explain to her that truths are provable w/ FACTS! I was hot, but I refrained from saying anything in return.
My attorney wanted me to send this all to the parenting evaluator and I thought about it, but decided to hold off until we needed it. If I need to use it, I will, but I don't want to play her ugly game if I don't have to. Look, I have to be realistic and decide to stick to my guns as I try to take the high road regardless of what happens w/ my marriage. I wasn't comfortable being the one who was the mud slinger, so I held it back. I may regret it in time, but for now, I'm pleased w/ my decision.
Then Friday night, the text comes that says "I'm sorry if my e-mail upset you, but I just don't want anything to happen to D."
I replied "neither do I. I love her just as much as you do." W comes back w/ "Not possible to love her as much as I do." I refute that and say "I love her more than you realize."
W's next response is "I know you love her." WTF??? If she KNOWS I love her, then what is her motivation for screwing w/ me here? Simple - W is only concerned w/ W and her selfish needs.
Anyway, on to Saturday and my DB session. I may have FINALLY seen something I've been missing for a while - I've been pursuing W throughout this whole process when I've thought I haven't been doing so. I know some of you are saying you've seen this too, but honestly it just made sense to me on Saturday.
So, we discussed this and decided that the plan to flirt when she was nice and ignore when she wasn't didn't work, so we're moving to an almost complete darkness. The DB coach was able to make me realize that there is NOTHING I can do to change my W and I've somehow been thinking - maybe not consciously - that I could. I've been nice when she's nice and it is used against me. I've stood up for myself and it starts more fights, makes me look defensive and fuels her anger. So, the solution is to do nothing. Say nothing. Discuss nothing. In roughly 6 weeks, I'll be divorced, so I've really got nothing to lose.
I'm now armed w/ some things to say to W and how to get out of conversations. I feel good about it b/c I finally get how what I was doing was only fueling W's anger and not getting me closer to my solution. I wish I'd seen it earlier, but I didn't, so now I'll make the best of it.
The biggest thing is I haven't been good at setting boundaries. Not having firm boundaries opened up W to charge me w/ sexual assualt. I was sleeping in the guest room and was invited in to tuck her in at night. Every night for a while. Then, one night she charges me w/ sexual assualt and claims "I don't know how he got into my room."
Had I had boundaries, I would have told her no b/c I'm supposed to be in another room. But I didn't and it worked against me. I didn't b/c I hold out hope that my snuggling w/ her would make us get closer. I was hoping she would feel what I feel by my having her close to me.
If it means the D is finalized, I'll be better off and understand how to set my boundaries better, deal w/ W better, deal w/ D better, deal w/ co-workers better, and deal w/ all my friends better too. So, I can't lose by putting these changes into motion.
So, that is where I am w/ my W and our situation. Still nothing from the parenting evaluator, but he has both of our depositions and he knows about my issue w/ the dogs (still feel sick about it too), so there isn't more he needs. We should know more soon, or at least I'll keep telling myself that to give me some hope each day.
On the health front, my MRI, MRA, spinal and blood tests came up negative as far as health problems. However, I do have some issues w/ my neck and will have some arthritis to battle later when I'm much older and much grayer. I've had my neck adjusted by a chiropractor and it feels soooo much better and the headaches are gone.
So, I'm cleared to exercise again and I've been doing that. I started cardio workouts again yesterday and it felt good. I went to a high-intensity core/cardio workout tonight and almost died, but made it through and I'll be back again next week. Tomorrow is more exercise and I'll start lifting weights (albeit cautiously w/ my neck) when I return from taking D to see family over the Labor Day Weekend.
Thus, I'm ok and feeling healthy and happy right now. I'm confident I can handle W if and when she next strikes and I can begin to set appropriate boundaries w/W, my lovely little D and everyone else.
Well, I hope you're still w/ me as I wrap up and filled you in. Like I said before, I'll catch up w/ you all on your sites very, very soon.
Thanks for checking in w/ me and caring enough to follow my story.
