Thank you SO much, Puppy and AG. Your advice is very helpful. I will draft an email tommorow morning as I am exhausted tonight. I just got home from work. I do think I am going to put the following message in there for here to pass along to the opposing counsel. Perhaps if his opposing counsel reads this, she may pass it along to my H, who has heard me say something similar.
"I love my husband and I want to give him the home so he can reside there. I do not want this divorce but I do want him to be happy, and if that means giving him what he wants, that I will do that (with conditions as far as monetary value are concerned)." Perhaps hearing someone else say it will allow him to let it sink in.
AG, I love your advice about being "business like with the H during settlement negotiations," and this will be a 180. But he will also be very respectful to me in front of others. He knows how to snow people but then becomes disrespectful behind closed doors. What do you think about either of these two ideas? "One suggestion is that we meet in front of a mediator. Another is that we meet with our attorneys."
My intent here is to slow this process down so that I can deal with these important legal and financial issues without letting my emotions run away with me. I can't seem to hide the fact that my H has had at least a year, and probably more, to let his emotions fade. I need that time to heal myself, and slowing down the process is an attempt at doing so.
Whichever one of you gave the suggestion that I have H draft up what he wants, is something along the lines of what I was thinking would be a good way to slow this process down. But if he does this, would that mean that we would not go to mediation? Would his draft take precedence over the conference/mediation? And if so, would that be a more productive way for me to *slow* the process???
Excuse me, SG. But I am NOT asking advice of a million people. I happen to be very focused right now. I hope you do not take offense at this, but please read my posts before judging me. I am asking very few people to give me their advice. I'm asking TwinDad, and Puppy and AG and Attorneytom. If there are others out that who wish to give me advice, I will welcome it, but I am very particular about which advice to use and which to lay aside for further consideration. Please know that I appreciate you, but I do NOT have several days to draft this email. If you will read my posts, you will know that it must be done early tomorrow. My erratic behavior is behind me now. That behavior only lasted about a month and was because of external circumstance. Please read my thread.
Thank you for your concern, poet
P.S. Thank you, AG, for this comment: "I have read some of your posts in the surviving forum - you really do have a lot of insight into other people's situations." I only know what I little know. Sometimes, I say things to people because I have direct hands-on knowledge of it. And, if it will help others, then, in a sense, it helps me too -- kind of like the "butterfly effect." And, I feel good doing it.
Just be careful about agreeing to everything your H wants. You may regret it later on. I know it made my H mad when I didn't go along with him, but he wasn't looking out for me anymore, he was only concerned about himself.
You look out for you!!! If you make it easy on him, you may regret & it's not going to bring him any closer.
What do you think about either of these two ideas? "One suggestion is that we meet in front of a mediator. Another is that we meet with our attorneys."
During my divorce, we handled the property settlement exactly like that...with both attorneys and a mediator. That was after neither of us could agree on what the other wanted.
All I wanted was a 50/50 split and to be as far away from my 3x cheating H as possible. He didn't want to be divorced. He wanted the W and happy home, AND the gf.
So I also know from experience that you can slow things down. Because my xh did not want the D, it took 2 years to happen. All you have to do is contest everything, and have to reschedule every court date that ever gets set.
It is very expensive however, be prepared to pay many thousands of $$ in attorney fees. Also, it will probably only make your H more angry...like it made me.
Quote:
I need that time to heal myself, and slowing down the process is an attempt at doing so.
I think it will be hard to heal yourself while going thru the legal process. Probably at best all you can hope for is being more centered and balanced. True healing may take a long time. First you have to find forgiveness.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
For a moderator I think this was a cruel post. Go to your doctor? Stop asking advice of a million people?
WTF? I thought that was what this BB was for?
I think you owe poet an apology and perhaps an explanation. Are you having a bad day or something? Honestly, she's in pain and in a short time has to respond to her H that is hot and heavy for the D and you take the time to slam her?
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
You're are right that I was abrupt in the way I said it and I apologize.
Poet, you really DO need to focus. I am not talking about the legal questions. It DOESN'T appear that you are focused to me, I can easily see where you have been on the board. If you have a new direction and feel focused--then great.
You have asked advice of many more folks than the ones you mentioned and received LOTS OF EXCELLENT ADVICE in lots of directions. You have received it from Michele and DB coaches. Going all over the board seeking more advice is counter-productive and reactive at this point. The best way to do this is to experiment and monitor results.
I really think you DO need to go to the doctor as someone else (BND?) had advised you.
Also...the email doesn't HAVE to be in tomorrow, the attorney asked you to do it then. YOU have a say.
What I apologize for is the WAY I said it...I did not mean it as it came off...I have had almost no sleep lately...I don't mean that as an excuse just to provide an explanation.
Last edited by sgctxok; 08/27/0804:01 PM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Another thing I want to say is that I care about you. And that's why I check in. And I get frustrated when I see some of these things. I do want the best for you.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
"I love my husband and I want to give him the home so he can reside there. I do not want this divorce but I do want him to be happy, and if that means giving him what he wants, that I will do that (with conditions as far as monetary value are concerned)." Perhaps hearing someone else say it will allow him to let it sink in.
I am sorry to have to post this... I don't think your husband is in a place mentally where he is ready or capable of hearing what you want him to hear.
A 180 would be saying to your attorney "Please have his attorney provide the first draft of the settlement for my review." Or if you want mediation "Please set up a mediation session." And then say nothing.
I have not read your entire situation - but he is probably use to hearing the I love yous and you saying things that simply provide him with ammunition to be disrespectful towards you. And he probably expects to hear what you have posted above. He is not use to hearing nothing. A change in your behavior pattern may make him wonder.
You are not being disrespectful towards H by asking for what you want. You are saying - I love you - but I also have boundaries w/o demanding. You are not saying you love H any less by setting a tone that simply cannot be used to escalate the situation. Your challenges is to remain respectful, calm and not being drawn into an argument or emotional exchange.
The X was also usually much more well behaved in public and in front of other people.
And I know how hard it is to keep your emotions in check. Sometimes that is what you need to do to get where you need to go. In this case - it is to catch H's attention by doing the unexpected.
There is nothing wrong with slowing down the process - but do it in a way that is not transparent to H. The X filed and I instructed my attorney to wait till the last day to respond. I suggested that you have H's attorney draft the first draft. Do that if you have confidence in your own attorney to redline the settlement to pieces if necessary.
I am not a D attorney and my D was relatively simple in that there were no kids or alimony involved - it was a simple 50/50 division of assets. Talk to your attorney about options that are available to you to delay things so you have time to detach and think clearly so you can take care of you. Do you have confidence in your attorney?
I hope this is helpful. I use this type of thing at work all the time now - it has been awhile since I have thought about The X or been in an R.
