My original post is here but don't waste your time going through it. I went through some of it myself and can't believe I sounded so whiny. No wonder H felt so pressured. I was full of negatives always second guessing myself. It must be me. When H was not intimate, I did not feel loved etc. Well, I decided to get rid of all that negative self talk and concentrate on accepting and listening harder for Hs love language which is Acts of Service. He did plenty of those for me. I just didn't see them as acts of love before.
When I began to feel assured of his love, I was happy again and stopped all pressure on him. I bought the Love Languages book for him to read hoping that he would speak my love language. He never did (read the book) but strangely he began to be a lot more affectionate (which is my love language of physical touch). I got a lot more back rubs, arms over shoulders, hand holding, etc. He also gave me a lot more validation about his feelings telling me I was a great wife and how he looked forward to the evenings and weekends when we could spend more time together. (I try to validate every chance I get too thanking him for things which he did for me so he would feel appreciated).
We always did have a lot of good times, laugh a lot together (but I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to enjoy them). I decided to enjoy those instead of starting the sex argument and its paid off. H felt less stressed to the point he was even able to joke about it. He would say "Hmmmmm better not stress you up too much or else I would be getting long letters from you." I feel better too working on myself, being less naggy etc. Will update you more if theres more, don't worry but how have you been doing Corri? I see that you are back from your vacation in full force caring about others but what about you? How about an update on your sitch? Start a new thread just for you, we'll all hop in there for you. LH
Wow, LH! Seems like things are more than just "looking up!" You sound really good! I'm so glad for you. You may still feel like things could be better or there may be dips in the road, but it sounds like you've got a good handle on what you need to do for yourself. Feels really good, doesn't it?
Thanks MPT and Corri for being so supportive. I'm by no means out of the woods, but I'm encouraged that the two of you see the minor improvements that I described as being somewhat significant. Getting your perspective helps me to see that my wife is probably putting more effort into our relationship than I've given her credit for. I previously would have broken down and said something to start the sex argument by this point due to the fact that the little improvements that I'm seeing don't seem to be getting us any closer to sexual intimacy. But I now realize that they probably are getting us closer - just a lot more slowly than I'd like. You've both given me some excellent motivation to stay the course.
Corri, I'm hanging in there okay and I don't mind "dating" my wife. Actually, I'd give anything to have those first 5 or 10 dates back right now. It probably would have been more accurate to say that I feel like we just met and are in the "getting to know each other" stage where I flirt with her occasionally and try to make her laugh. If history repeats itself, we'll be making out in a parking lot soon! It feels good that she seems to be trusting me more and is opening up to me. She's the type that has a hard time opening up to anyone, although she's extremely personable and well-liked. She just handles problems differently than me in that she's not likely to buy self-help books, go searching for answers on the internet, or seek help from another person, even a close friend.
That reminded me of another sign that she's been thinking about our situation. She's always acted like I'm a complete idiot for reading relationship books, looking for answers on the internet, etc. But a week or so ago she forgot to clear her internet history on the computer after reading (I assume) an article about sexual desire gaps in marriages. I wasn't actually prying by the way, I initially thought it must have been a page that I'd been looking at so I went there to find out what it was. Anyway, I thought that was quite positive.
Hitting golf balls went pretty well tonight - less distance but better aim. Thanks for everything and please keep the great advice coming.
Yes, it feels great and this beautiful phrase you used really helped.
The love was the central core to our marriage. That was firmly there without question. Because of his understanding of that core, variations in behavior (including sexual interest) were the branches blowing in the wind or the leaves budding, growing, changing color, falling away and then returning.
PS. Had to go searching for the actual phrase just to reproduce it here. Its in my head but can't quite put it into words the way you did. How have you been doing lately? LH
Just wanted to report a little more success. I made love to my wife last night! And for once my wife was truly into it!
Now that I've cleared the first hurdle, I need to make sure that I continue to do the right things in order to keep making progress. When I've reached this point before I've made mistakes and ended up right back where I started. One of those mistakes was to assume that I was out of the woods, either initiating again soon and being rejected or becoming depressed when my wife didn't initiate within the next week or so. Another thing that may have been a mistake was to send my wife flowers the next day. My intent in doing so was to show my appreciation for starting to work on our problems, but in hindsight it may have come across too much like a "payment for services". My wife never actually said anything to make me think that, nonetheless I don't think it's the right thing to do at this point. Here's what I think I should be doing. Corri, please set me straight if I'm off the mark.
First, I plan to keep doing what I've been doing. Being upbeat and helpful while continuing to do some things for myself. Since I'm fairly certain that my wife's love language is acts of service, I thought that after getting home from work I'd try to do something above and beyond my normal responsibilities around the house in order to provide some subtle positive reinforcement. Of course, I won't make any big show of it or act like I'm doing it just because we had sex last night - I basically want her to think to herself "make love to husband, husband becomes more eager to do things for me, hmmmm". Then, as usual I'll probably go hit golf balls when my wife takes the girls up to bed. Also, I don't plan to resume initiating sex at this point. In fact, for the next couple of nights I'll probably make sure not to even touch my wife while in bed. I don't want her to think that any time she makes an effort she'll suddenly get pressured for sex more frequently. Who knows, maybe she'll wonder what's up and initiate again soon. But if not, I'm okay with it. Otherwise, I'll just try to increase her level of trust in me by showing genuine concern about her problems (situation at work right now mainly) and being there for her when she needs someone to talk to.
Am I on the right track here Corri? Let me know if there's anything else that I should (or shouldn't) be doing. Thanks.
That's wonderful, sooner! She's a pretty special person, isn't she? So are you! I've got a good feeling the two of you are going to work this out. Keep doing what works!
Thanks MPT! Yes, she is a very special person. By the way, I didn't specifically request your input only because I know that you're trying to spend less time on the BB, however I hope you know that I consider any input that I can get from you to be quite valuable. You're advice and comments are always welcome. You've been my most enduring advisor and I appreciate you.
LH, Thanks for posting that. It reminded me again of how special my H is. I needed that.
Things are going pretty well here except that he's in a crunch time at work. I think we're due for a really good conversation again, but I can wait until things settle down at work for him.
Back in April we also had a very big, unexpected surprise...I got pg! After years of infertility, my current age, and bc(!), it was quite a surprise. I had a sense from the beginning that there was something not quite right though. At the ultrasound in May, my suspicions were confirmed. I chose to let nature take its course (unless a problem arose) and let my body take care of it, but it has now been the longest mc in history as a result! Last blood test revealed that it's almost over.
Emotionally, it has been a mixed bag. Time has helped straighten it all out. I'm just really ready for it all to be done. And apparently, I needed to tell someone about it because I hadn't planned on mentioning it when I started this post.
It feels good that she seems to be trusting me more and is opening up to me. She's the type that has a hard time opening up to anyone, although she's extremely personable and well-liked. She just handles problems differently than me in that she's not likely to buy self-help books, go searching for answers on the internet, or seek help from another person, even a close friend.
How have you been doing lately?
Last blood test revealed that it's almost over.