She just came to get the kids. She is in this big hurry and is telling them to hurry up. I said please calm down they are coming. She says I have to go back over to the store she forgot something. I said are you all right you look exhausted. She says I'm fine I'm just really tired. I'm thinking your decision working girl. I'm thinking It was nice not having to work your a$$ off, doing what you wanted and staying home. All you had to worry about was going to PTA meetings.
(Now somebody better not chime in about that comment. A SAHM is a full time job, that is relentless, and most of the time unthankful, and unappreciated.)
I said what is going on tomorrow. Are you bringing them here or what. She said I'll just call you to meet us there or something. Hurry up kids I'm in a hurry. I'm thinking for what?
I carry son to car. I kiss him. I said let me give daughter a kiss. She said you were with them all night. I said yes... I would like to kiss her good night. She screams at me hurry up.
I said please just calm down, everything with you has to be a disaster. Good night wifesname, after I kiss daughter.
what about the part where I wrote, "there are lots of people offering you similar advice"? How do you deflect that one?
Phil, you come off as hard-headed and unwilling to consider other perspectives. I'm not attacking you, just giving you feedback. I know it's not pleasant. It's just what I see. What does your wife see?
you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT - your situation will not end until your wife snaps out of it. You are 100% right. But what you described as "fruitless" is actually "harmful."
I (and others) feel like there are good changes you could make, NOW. You seem unwilling to consider the possibility.
Let's take Giving up chew.
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I did quit chewing after son was born. But you know beer=chew. Plus there was too much stress with building this house, my job, and dealing with her to stay quit.
Phil, you're not gonna like this. But what you wrote is boilerplate "blame the other" stuff. you were dealing with HER and so that causes you to need chew? And the other guy who's wife is inattentive - it's her fault he has to drink? And the other guy who's wife gained weight - it's her fault he had an affair? And so on, and so on. Man up.
Own your stuff.
The point is, saving your marriage will be hard work, and will require your spirit and your mind to be focused. Quitting chew is just like a little practice project. Do it, to prepare yourself for bigger and better things. Plus SHE ASKED YOU TO! This alone should give you cause for joy - your wife asked you for a sign. Now you have it within your power to give her the sign that you listen to her, that you heard her. Quiet the voice in your head that is saying "but I have always chewed, I can't quit." you WON'T. Not CAN'T. WON'T. It's your choice and you choose to chew.
I get that quitting chew is not going to fix your marriage. It's just one mindful act. After you do that, do one new mindful act (like stop cussing. I never read a quote from the LORD with a cuss word, although he did get angry on occasion). After that, do another new "personal improvement" thing. For me, REALLY paying attention in church for the whole time, is a mindful act, a self-improvement practice that I have to work on.
self-control, mindfulness, consideration and compassion for others - these are habits of mind that we all need to develop. We need to exercise those muscles daily.
Dude, you're ticked, I get it. I do. Really. It stinks. Being hurt and angry isn't going to help her walk toward the light. It just isn't. It is totally unfair that YOU are the one who has to make positive changes. Totally unfair. I get it.
(ps: STFU is not edifying, and you know it.)
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
I thought you said you read my sitch. KS and I have beat this topic to death.
I need support, not stupidity.
Sorry, this is the crux of the matter. How many people have to mention this before you catch on? Because it's glaringly obvious to all of us. Far from stupidity. Support doesn't always mean saying "oh poor Phil." Sometimes it's trying to get your attention when the issues are very clear, hoping you'll eventually catch on. Your need to be right and make sure everyone else knows they're wrong, your arrogance, your sense of entitlement, and your inability to accept responsibility for your behavior are the issues that cause you problems in your marriage and in your life. And until you humble yourself enough to learn from this, you will continue to be frustrated and grieve the loss of your wife. It is this simple--make your marriage your priority, or keep your pride and need to be seen as superior your priority and lose your marriage. Want to be right or want to be married?
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Nothing will be right until she snaps out of it.
You can't change her, Phil, you can only change yourself.
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cussing--It's my solace. Besides I cuss for edification purposes. Yes I do it too much.
Oh, come on Phil. You cuss to impart grace? You really believe that? You call your wife a b-word and a c-word--is that supposed to be edifying? That's justification, and that's all it is. At least be honest with yourself.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
You need to be the ice cream gofer, in my irrelevant opinion. It could be humbling.
Deliver ice cream, fetch ice cream. What are you talking about. Lets try something new. Stop trying to confuse me. Let's try that...
Leave on my journey... Yes how many times have you given up on me. Only to come back. Just say what the heck you mean, stop the riddles. I don't get them. I'm logical. Talk to me in logic.
All bats have wings, you need wings to fly.. All things that fly have wings.
You call your wife a b-word and a c-word--is that supposed to be edifying? That's justification, and that's all it is. At least be honest with yourself.
I did that because a spade is spade. It has nothing to do with what we were talking about. I admit I never should have done that. When I finally realized the error in my ways I quit doing it. I haven't used that language since I apologized to her for it.
You know what I think she keeps doing. She acts like a lunatic waiting to see if I will say it to her again. Sorry that langauge towards her has been purged.
I wonder how long you would be in the room with her before you used that type of language against her, if she got into one of those moods and was freaking out on me over nothing.
I give it the classic rating. 0 to 60 in 5.9 secs... or zero to b|tch in nanosecond.
Stop judging me.
You are dealing with my pride... Yes I'm so prideful, I could hardly hold my head up for 10 months.
Now I'm getting stronger. I don't feel down anymore. I did cry today but it didn't last long.
Oh and btw, I have purged those words against any woman for the rest of my life.
I called her a goofball...
Finally got Amy's riddle about watching out for lions... Prideful.
