what about the part where I wrote, "there are lots of people offering you similar advice"? How do you deflect that one?
Phil, you come off as hard-headed and unwilling to consider other perspectives. I'm not attacking you, just giving you feedback. I know it's not pleasant. It's just what I see. What does your wife see?
you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT - your situation will not end until your wife snaps out of it. You are 100% right. But what you described as "fruitless" is actually "harmful."
I (and others) feel like there are good changes you could make, NOW. You seem unwilling to consider the possibility.
Let's take Giving up chew.
Quote:
I did quit chewing after son was born. But you know beer=chew. Plus there was too much stress with building this house, my job, and dealing with her to stay quit.
Phil, you're not gonna like this. But what you wrote is boilerplate "blame the other" stuff. you were dealing with HER and so that causes you to need chew? And the other guy who's wife is inattentive - it's her fault he has to drink? And the other guy who's wife gained weight - it's her fault he had an affair? And so on, and so on. Man up.
Own your stuff.
The point is, saving your marriage will be hard work, and will require your spirit and your mind to be focused. Quitting chew is just like a little practice project. Do it, to prepare yourself for bigger and better things. Plus SHE ASKED YOU TO! This alone should give you cause for joy - your wife asked you for a sign. Now you have it within your power to give her the sign that you listen to her, that you heard her. Quiet the voice in your head that is saying "but I have always chewed, I can't quit." you WON'T. Not CAN'T. WON'T. It's your choice and you choose to chew.
I get that quitting chew is not going to fix your marriage. It's just one mindful act. After you do that, do one new mindful act (like stop cussing. I never read a quote from the LORD with a cuss word, although he did get angry on occasion). After that, do another new "personal improvement" thing. For me, REALLY paying attention in church for the whole time, is a mindful act, a self-improvement practice that I have to work on.
self-control, mindfulness, consideration and compassion for others - these are habits of mind that we all need to develop. We need to exercise those muscles daily.
Dude, you're ticked, I get it. I do. Really. It stinks. Being hurt and angry isn't going to help her walk toward the light. It just isn't. It is totally unfair that YOU are the one who has to make positive changes. Totally unfair. I get it.
(ps: STFU is not edifying, and you know it.)
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
