So I married a sex addict...

[grant]

Hi HC,
I hope that I was able to give you some insight from another perspective.

" I had major sexual problems in the first 10 years of our R, and although they don't excuse H's behaviour, they certainly contributed to his insecurity big time."

It will have contributed certainly, and may have escalated his behaviour to the level it is at now, but please know ( and this is very important ), that this addiction will have been present in some form or another before you even met your husband.

In my case, I was fascinated by sex and girls from quite an early age, and this has followed me somewhat throughout my life. Many people will say that Porn is not a problem in itself, but it is when that, or other forms of acting out become compulsive and obsessive, and a substitute for true intimacy, that it can really escalate and cause huge problems in our relationships with our spouses, families, friends, work, etc.

Have you read any literature on the subject as yet? If not, I really urge you to either try to find out if there are any support groups for partners of SA's in your area, or at least read a couple of the Patrick Carnes books. It sounds to me like your H might be more of a candidate for SLA, (sex and love addicts).
I must go back and read some more up on your sitch.

If he has had that many encounters (blimey, I don't know where he found the time),
then it's fairly clear to see why you would consider your R to be abusive and a "bad thing". I would just say that people with SA are not necessarily bad people, just people who have done bad things.

I know deep inside that I am a good person, but my compulsion has lead to a deep tragedy in my life, and the ramifications for that are immense. I would pretty much give anything to change that now.

It's clear your H is not at that point right now, and I guess what I was alluding to in my statement about you continuing to validate him, you picked up on in your last paragraph above about not maintaining a position where you "enable". That's exactly what I meant.

I can't say whether your detaching would bring about enough significant change for a "safe" relationship" as you put it. For some, it really does take an earth shattering event to wake them up to the reality of their situation, and even then, it's an ongoing process of vigilance on the part of the addict.

That's where the 12 step programme and therapy is absolutely vital. If he does realise he has a problem, he will NOT be able to confront or heal on his own. The problem is that his life is completely out of control, and though it seems unbelievable that someone you love could do these things to you, it's kind of like he's living in a different world, with a different set of values, and he can do little except obsess about where his next "fix" of sex, love, attention, is going to come from. Even at the risk of his wife, family, and even his own life.

It's very difficult for "normal" people to understand this. I guess like I can't really understand why people get addicted to gambling or other activities. I can appreciate though, that it's not so much the addiction itself, (that's just the symptom of a much deeper malaise in his heart and soul) it's what lies beneath it all and WHY he's acting out. Most people bury those issues and never want to ever confront them as they are often deep seated, long held, and very painful and traumatic. Hell, sometimes they don't even know what it is in their past that might have caused them to fall into this trap.
Was he abused as a child? That's often the case in SA, although not in mine. Like I say, everyone's different, but there are often parallels.

You asked about boundaries......
My wife has spent most of our latest convo's talking about OM, what he's doing etc.
Because I have been acting "as if" and trying to be pleasant and upbeat (something that I had failed miserably at in the first months of our separation), I just took it on the chin, and listened. But I was so so deeply hurt by this, that I realised I had to try to explain to her that I felt disrespected and sad, and that I didn't really want to hear about OM, and how great he was. That frankly, is just B*&&ocks. No one should have to put up with that. It's strange how taking a stand on something, provided it's done in a non confrontational way, can really help your confidence and PMA.

Of course, having said that, now that she doesn't speak to me about him, I don't get any sense of where there relationship is at. But I know that I can't control that or affect it in any way directly anyhow. So I reckon I gained more than I lost there.

I guess I'm trying to say that if it hurts you so deeply that he talks to her or texts her when you're around, you should say so, and insist that if he wants to be around you, that must stop in your presence. I mean really, what do you have to lose?
At least it might help your dignity and self respect, which I know will be at an all time low.

It's interesting that you say that unless he's working on his issues that you wont consider the prospect of reconcilliation, and please forgive me if I'm way off base here, but reading between the lines, even though a relationship with H fills you with fear ( and quite rightly in his present state ) it appears to me that you still love this man. I don't think you'd be here if you didn't.

If you do love him, I'm sure you will be sending out messages of availability and warmth to him. Now I know it's hard not to, but being warm, flirting etc will do nothing to make this guy want to change his life or his habits. It's all just too comfortable. Some might disagree with me here, but I think this bloke needs a bloody good dose of tough love.

People with a SA are slightly different, but many on these boards talk about the addiction of an EA, or PA. That compulsion, that obsession, I think is very similar to anyone with a SA.

I just don't think your H will ever really start to deal with his issues unless he feels he has truly lost everything. I know he will always be a father to his children, but I know that they too will have been affected in some way by his actions.

I could be wrong, I'm no expert here, but I think this all begins with you taking control of your life, and cutting contact with your H down to nothing more than pleasant cordial interactions for the sake of your kids. Anything more than that will just be enabling and will never make him take stock of his life. He has to make his own mistakes and be educated about the real consequence of his behaviour.

When my wife did it to me, I realised that I had lost everything than meant anything to me. Boy, is that a bitter pill to swallow, and it can move people to do remarkable life changing things.

Please do read the books. I think in conjunction with the wonderful advice and encouragement from the people on here, it will help you to move this whole thing forward. Keep DBing, but just be informed about the nuts and bolts of your sitch.

I am thinking of you Hon, and I wish you lots of luck.