Gentle tact has probably never been one of my strong points. Blunt-as-a-butter-knife is more my norm...I try to be gentle, I do, then WHAM! I lower the boom...with good intention, mind you, but that doesn't mean it feels too good to the recipient. My apologies for my bluntness and if I trod a bit too heavily upon your feelings.
HOWEVER....in your post you said:
Quote: With regard to your recommendation to put myself and my own happiness first, I feel like that's a big part of what got me into this mess. I thought that trying to put her first might be the best way to make some progress.
Ahhh...now the light is beginning to flicker on.
Having a 'need' fulfilled (sex), and having fulfilling happiness are two completely different things. You may experience happiness, or feelings of wonderful contentment when your needs are fulfilled, (I personally am wonderfully happy and enormously content after a good italian meal) but personal needs and personal happiness in and of themselves are two seperate....things (for lack of a better word).
Let me ask you. What is the most attractive quality a person can have? Now before you go spouting off 36-24-36...think carefully.
Have you ever met a person who just radiated happiness? Those people seem to always be wearing a smile, their eyes contain a certain light, they just enjoy the hell out of whatever they are doing, no matter what it is, their positive attitude seems to know no limits...they laugh easily, they cry easily, they're out there living life, rolling with the punches, having a little party of one every day of their existence. Know anyone like that?
Don't you just love being around people like that? Have you ever noticed that people like that always seem to have other people around them, drawn like moths to a flame...regardless of their shape, size, coloring or looks...they may not have the 'most' in life (they usually don't), they may not be the 'best' at anything (they usually aren't)...and they don't care one whit if they are the best or if they have the most because they are just too happy to give a second thought to it...
Ever heard that saying:
The richest people are not those who have the most. The richest people are those who need the least.
Those Happy People, the ones we all are so drawn to...understand very well the difference between needs and happiness.
I'm not saying that your need is unimportant, because it is supremely important (really). But I do think it is important to make the distinction between the two. I truly believe that when one pursues and fulfills that which makes them happy, having their needs fulfilled takes care of itself.
Think again about that person you know who radiates happiness. And then think of an instance when some hardship befell that person...everyone and their brother who knows that person would probably immediatly drop whatever it was they were doing to somehow rush to that person's aid in whatever way they could. Well, isn't it true? None of us who knows such a person is willing for one minute to risk the dimming of such a light so rare....seriously, the Happy People need for nothing because we who know them won't allow it!
Every single one of us is capable of that kind of happiness. But most of us are so consumed with defining and fulfilling our 'needs' that we never take the time to define and fulfill our happiness.
See where this is going?
Now, if you want to see it, I have this 'chart' I made up for myself when I was pondering and thinking about all of this for myself. It's pretty simple, really. But I'll share it with you if you'd like...for me, it helped me understand the difference between what a 'need' is and what 'happiness' is.
My point in all of this is, when you discover and pursue that which makes you happy, your wife is going to be just sooooo defenseless....
But you must put yourself first in order to discover this. This sounds very ego centered, but it isn't. It's one of those great big stupid-ass paradoxes the universe throws at us for a cosmic giggle, I guess.
You're running. YES!!! If you enjoy it and it makes you happy, keep doing it. You're starting to play golf. YES!!!! If you continue to enjoy it and it makes you happy, keep doing it.
If you want to make a list every weekend with your wife because it makes you happy to talk with her and help her, hey, keep doing it.
If it makes you happy to ride bikes with your girls, or read them stories, or help them with their homework, keep doing it...
If you want to take your wife on a weekend trip because it makes you happy, then GO DO IT.
See how you must put yourself first in order to pursue your own happiness?
Now...if you were doing these things in hopes of making another person(s) happy, can you now see where this can run off course almost immediately in all sorts of ways? How all parties concerned can end up on the losing side? How this strategy is a big crap shoot?
How other people choose to respond to your happiness is something beyond your control. But their actions and reactions do not have to have power over your happiness unless you allow it.
Okay. Done rambling. Let me know if you want to see the chart.
