Does LRT work?

[HOPEFULinCALI]

When you waw'ed, did your H pursue? How long did he pursue? What got you thinking otherwise? Was it when he quit persuing and how long after? Or was it that he found someone new that sparked your interest again? When he pursued, did you shut down? Ignore him? Not answer emails until you got really pissed?

Nothavingfun,

H did pursue. He did all the things Michele tells us not to do. I can't blame him though. I admire that he was so determined to save our marriage although at the time I didn't see it that way.

H pursued for 10 months. I told him in late Sep 06 that I wanted to separate. At the end of October 06 I left. In Jan 07 he found a therapist that we saw together. On May 1, 07 he gave me an ultimatum to move back in or he would file for the D. I resisted and he backed down. I told him that maybe it was me and I would work with the therapist myself. In reality we only attended counseling for 3.5 months together (not nearly enough time for either of us and with the wrong therapist) In Aug 07 he went on vacation (I moved back in a week before). He returned after a month a stranger and dropped the bomb. In early Dec 07 I moved out for the second time and I was in limbo until July 08 when I filled separation papers. He responded with a D request but he is stalling on talking about a settlement.....

During this entire time we continued to interact as if we were both still invested in the marriage and that divorce wasn't even a consideration but that we were just getting some space. I of course wasn't invested. I didn't feel connected to him. I thought our problems where too big and besides he wasn't going to change our M wasn't going to change and I didn't love him. However, I continued to spend every weekend at home, go to family functions together, go on vacations, attend counseling together, didn't tell family or friends of our separation etc. I did however remain distant. I rarely called, avoided going to lunch with him (we work within 5 min of each other), didn't show affection, and if it wasn't for him protesting I wouldn't have gone home on the weekends.

It wasn't until he dropped the bomb (10 months after I dropped the bomb) that something clicked. It really was one defining moment for me, a split second that changed everything for me. Up until the second before my feelings hadn't changed. I believe he met someone (This is not what sparked my interest. I didn't suspect anything until after the bomb). I don't believe anything physical happened but meeting someone in the midst of turmoil has a tendency to change your perspective on your significant other. The prospect of losing everything hit me right then and there. Now we are going through the same cycle, roles reversed. I can only hope that this trip overseas will have the opposite effect that it did last year.

In short, the more he pushed and pursued the farther I ran. I couldn't stand the constant pressure, the R talks, the guilt trips. What I wanted was to find solutions to see changes in our M and in him. I realize now that I needed to make changes too. This is why I believe that the 180 and finding solutions are your most valuable tools.

I hope I was able to answer your questions. I am happy to answer any questions you may have.

Best of luck!!!