Sorry to hear your latest update. Nevermind, just pick yourself up and go again. Anyway here's my 2 cents.
"she feels like we're not even friends" "I don't feel like she's a friend to me "
Sounds to me like you have to work real hard (even harder than what you have been doing) at having fun again as a couple, without the intimacy issue in the way (for now) of course. Tough one this, since you do sound like you have been trying.
"I'm tempted to move into another bedroom so she'll never have to go to bed afraid that I might touch her. "
You know this is going to just take you further away from each other. My guess is you probably just said this in frustration, right? (I hope.)
"I may even take a week of vacation and just go somewhere nice by myself. I've let her know that I'd love to take her places so that we can spend some time together without the kids, but what's the point if she can't even have fun because she's so afraid that I might want to have sex with her. "
She might not be having fun for other reasons. You mentioned once that she feels guilty spending her free time away from the kids because her work takes her away from them. This doesn't combine well with romance does it.
"I'm just so sick of hoping things will get better only to find that I'm still doing everything wrong! "
Hang in there, Sooner.
"! For her to care enough about me to work on what's bothering me, everything in her life must first be perfect. But it never will be, and I can't do anything to change that."
Maybe you can. Do you know what will make her life "perfect" It has something that will make life good for her and not something which you think will be good for her. You mentioned once that you were working towards making it possible for her to be a stay-at-home mum so she can spend more time with the kids. How is that coming along. Maybe a real big change in her life will make a better impact than all the other things you have been trying. Maybe quitting that stressful job of hers and spending more time with the kids will free her to concentrate on other areas important to both of you. This is not easy but its just a thought.
