Ready to GAL...Drop the Rope...Detach..3...

[ddstartingover]

What I'm having the most trouble with today is thinking about how far away H is. When I look at him,it's like he's on another planet. He looks empty.

We had this e-mail arguement 2 weeks ago about scheduling for the kids. He accused me of trying to make him disappear from his their lives. I've done nothing but assure him that I would not let that happen, didn't want it to happen, and no matter what, never will. I backed that up by agreeing to the schedule he had proposed, rather than what I wanted. I also welcomed him here all last week, fed him dinner most nights. One night I almost caught a glimpse of who he used to be. Since then though, it's been nothing but distance. We agreed that on his weekends the kids would stay with me on Sunday nights. I told D15 that she would be coming home Sunday night when she left here Friday and H looked at me, but didn't say anything.

I let it bother me, and finally sent an e-mail Sunday asking if I had gotten that wrong. He said, no, "but he would explain." He hasn't. It's still bothering me. Last night after D15's softball game (we all rode together) D11 brought up the subject of walking from H's house to school. I was very vocal, and I guess for the first time in front of H, I insisted that the walk was too far (probably about a mile). Truth be told, it is yet another thing about this separation that bothers me. That D11 and S9 almost act excited about visitng H at his house. The fact that it is in town, and not out in the sticks like their home has made them think of walking or riding their bikes to school---which they think would be "fun." H said nothing about the conversation, but left the car quickly and didn't turn back. I know he was mad about what I said (the no walking), or how I said it. I do feel though, that even if they are with him, we should discuss if they should be walking a mile to school in the morning. I don't know, I know that everything I say turns in to something he can't stand. Maybe it's true, that he just doesn't even like me anymore...............

I sent him an e-mail last night asking him to call me after the kids were in bed, to talk about kid issues. He didn't call. He didn't call this morning. I sent another one saying I guessed I missed him last night, call when he can. He sent an e-mail saying he just got my e-mail, was running and would call later. I got another one about an "urgent" work matter---he would call "ASAP." That was 3 hours ago. I've only sent the one e-mail today, trying to be patient. The kids will be getting out of school soon. No call. I know he's avoiding. I don't want a "conversation" I just want to clear up these small matters about the kids so they don't continue to build and continue the wedge between us. They come first, and always will, and I don't want anything to make things worse----if that's even possible.

I am moving forward with the teacher's certification program. I am trying to focus on myself. I am TRYING to detach, but then things like this pop up and remind me that with kids in the picture-----and with him being so defensive and worried about losing time with them-----I can't fully detach-----or am I wrong????????