I totally sympathize with you. Most guys can not go on a starvation diet forever, we are just not built that way and sooner or later we are going to fall off the wagon. I can not help in my case think that my wife has been somehwat selfish for not even being willing to try to address the situation and/or consider a compromise, but I know there are a lot of factors at play and she can not help loosing her sex drive.
I would assume that your wife loves you and cares about you, but this is not entirely clear from your posts. In my case, I know my wife loves me and does care about me. I believe that a change in her hormones is the root cause of her dysfunction. However, in some way that I don't understand, she seems to be afraid of being further rejected or afraid of being considered to be an inadequate wife which causes her to set up barriers that prohibit a meaningful dialogue and resolution to the situation.
You and I seem to be in a similar circle of frustration that overwhelms us at times. How can we not dwell on our situation and feel anger, frustration, confusion and guilt all at the same time?
For what it is worth, I have taken your approach of trying to put no pressure on my wife for months on end, only to "fall of the wagon" and start the cycle over again. I see recent signs that this may turn around after years of trying. I think that a break through may have occured when she slightly opened the door about sex and I reassured her that I didn't believe she could help her lack of sex drive and that I felt that she probably would like to have one. We actually had a good open and supportive discussion and the forum was right. For the last two weeks she has been a little more open on the subject and we did have sex a week or so ago. I think that it is important to nurture this situation and be very very supportive to her in all aspects of her life. I am not expecting any miracles, but any sustained improvement in this area will be a positive foothold to build on.
Perhaps if you are patient, your opportunity to have a meaningful and supportive discussion will present itself and you will be ready to find a way to keep the door open for further improvement. I wish there were other approaches that I could recommend, but the alternatives appeared to be more negative than I would felt comfortable purusing (usually involving some threat of loss of the relationship).
Sooner, I generally think you are on the right track for now and hopefully your opportunity to have a meaningful discussion will present itself.
