You used strategies last time and won her back, but didn't really undergo any deep personal change. She didn't undergo any real change or ephiphany, she never faced consequences for her actions, she simply got disillusioned with OM and decided she would "will" herself into becoming a wife again. Neither of you changed or really grew stronger, the same dynamics applied and the same drama played itself out three years later. You think you changed, and you really didn't -- you just spent yourself trying to save the marriage. She thought she had changed, and really didn't -- she resigned herself to "be a wife", to use her language.
I think this is probably the best explanation of how the cycle continued. And this time I'm not using 'strategies', at least not now. There is still something inside me that says she isn't done yet. I think she's lost and running away. and reacting to me.
However, it may just be that she's slowly working her way out of her attachment. It's hard to say.
She called me this morning to tell me she was coming over to pick up D13 to go school supply shopping. I was home when she got there and she was pleasant to me, I was pleasant to her.
On the side of our house we had a pile of all kinds of junk that has been there for at least a year. My neighbor got a big dumpster because he was remodeling and I paid him some $$ so I could put all this junk in it.
I told W it was all gone and she was thankful, thanking me for 'taking care of that'. Why? She doesn't live here. It's those kinds of things that keep me thinking she is still connected.
Most WAW's don't care what you do after they're gone.
Oh, and a minor correction Theo. We have split 3 times, but it's been 2 affairs not 3.
Anyway, I do see that I need to be alone for a while and sort myself out. I miss her and I really don't know what the outcome will be. What I do know is that I've learned a lot about what it takes to be in a marriage and how I need to treat my next partner, be it W or someone new.
I'm not very good in math, but I'm up to 3. Guess you didn't count the Band guy because as far as you know, she didn't sleep with him?? You were pretty messed up when she was communicating with him, whatever you want to label it.
You're doing alright, Frank. Hang in there.
Spitty
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
I'm not very good in math, but I'm up to 3. Guess you didn't count the Band guy because as far as you know, she didn't sleep with him?? You were pretty messed up when she was communicating with him, whatever you want to label it.
On the side of our house we had a pile of all kinds of junk that has been there for at least a year. My neighbor got a big dumpster because he was remodeling and I paid him some $$ so I could put all this junk in it.
I told W it was all gone and she was thankful, thanking me for 'taking care of that'. Why? She doesn't live here. It's those kinds of things that keep me thinking she is still connected.
Most WAW's don't care what you do after they're gone.
What about this kind of thing? She still thinks it's 'our house'? Any other WAW's do this kind of stuff?
What about this kind of thing? She still thinks it's 'our house'? Any other WAW's do this kind of stuff?
Just this weekend my W found out that I let the neighbor kids come in the house to play with the our kids while I worked on their swingset. She was angry that I did this and I had to remind her that she does not live here anymore. W never liked the neighbor kids for some unknown reason. Just like my cats which she despised - I let them move back in the house and W was furious. I think they just have a hard time letting go and realizing things are changing and not in their control anymore.
It sounds like you are doing real well Frank. I hope your finanical outlook is starting to look better. For me, I am a bit worried about my immediate financial future because of the pending D, but I am getting more and more optimistic that my W is not going to clean me out and that my company is going to have its big success soon.
Some of the replies I just read on your thread from Theoden are outstanding!
You need to try and stop assigning meaning to everything W says and does. A lot of times I think the WA spouse says anything to fill the dead air space. My question is, why are you giving her the audience? I thought you needed space so that you could work and think clearly? You requested that she let you know if she was coming over to the house. That's what VM is for. If her visit doesn't fit in to your plans, then you call her back and let her know it's inconvenient. And it is time to say no once in awhile. You have got to get over your need to prove to your W what a thoughtful, great, all-around, pleasant, good guy you are. You keep telling us and yourself that you are a good man. We know you are. Try and accept the fact that just because that is true, you can't convince your W of it. And even if you did, she might still not want to be married to you. She has had you for 20+ years. She thinks she needs something else.
I can't put my finger on it exactly, but I get the feeling that you thought she would have some big epiphany once she had to leave your house. And, that you are anxiously waiting and watching for any signs that it may be happening. You're wasting valuable time and energy. Try to disconnect from her words and actions.
Spitty
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
What a coincidence - my neighbor was just going to rent a dumpster and I offered to pay her some money so I could drop a pile of my junk in it. She told me the small dumpster was $300 and I suggested that we rent a u-haul trailer and I could take all the junk to the dump for less than $50.
I can't put my finger on it exactly, but I get the feeling that you thought she would have some big epiphany once she had to leave your house. And, that you are anxiously waiting and watching for any signs that it may be happening. You're wasting valuable time and energy. Try to disconnect from her words and actions.
Not exactly, I don't expect an epiphany any time soon. Just wondering if her behavior is that of someone who is 'done' yet.
