Okay, I know I'm going to regret the stupid subject line, but I don't really have a subject at the moment. It seems my previous thread no longer works, therefore I have to create a new one so that MPT can post the reply that she was unable to post earlier. Of course I welcome advice and comments from anyone, I've just singled MPT out because she specifically stated in AchingMan's thread that she tried to post and couldn't.
Now that I've figured out how to do this, here are the links to my previous threads:
Guess I should give a brief update. I decided a couple of weeks ago that in order to someday see some improvement in my situation, I need to do two things. First, I absolutely have to stop putting pressure on my wife by trying to talk to her about the lack of intimacy in our relationship, pouting about how it's affecting me, suggesting that she read the SSM, and most of all having the sex argument. Second, I feel like I need to stop initiating anything even remotely sexual. I've basically stopped touching her with the exception of innocent goodbye kisses. After two weeks I'm actually doing pretty well. I've remained fairly upbeat and for once I don't feel like I'm on the verge of breaking down and saying or doing something that would set us back. She seems to be happy at the moment although there's been no sudden increase in her desire for romance. But I'm determined to stick with my plan because I really think it may just take some time to get past the anxiety and hurt feelings from previous arguments. I'm leaving town Sunday to work out of state for a week so I should easily make it through that without any screw-ups. I just have to make sure that I keep it up when I get back because she expects me to either get pouty or blow up soon after returning from out of town. I've done so several times in the past.
Anyway, that's about it. I'll have a computer with me while I'm out of town so keep the advice and comments coming. Hope everyone has a great Fourth of July.
Sounds like you're holding on pretty good, which is encouraging to all of us. I think it might be all we can do.
Whatever you do don't break down when you get back. I know for me that would be the toughest point too (just before leaving is tough too). What's strange is that I know I could be somewhat non-chalant or indifferent to my wife's advances if she were regularly hitting on me. This may indicate a frustration not only in the sexual realm but also a control issue; who's holding the reins?
I wonder if anyone knows about about something you can take to lower your libido? That would shift the center of power. If you dont' want it how can someone control you with it?
Good luck, man, have fun on your trip. Solitude can be a great nurturer.
Thanks for the support AchingMan. Guess my Thread-O-Fun isn't turning out to be so fun. Is it the silly name? I know there's nothing really to respond to in my earlier post in this thread, but I was still hoping for some responses from the end of my last thread. Are you out there MPT?
I'm here in my hotel and somewhat enjoying the fact that my wife couldn't have sex with me now even if she wanted to. I just imagine that she's sitting at home dying to be with me. Yeah right! I think I'll be okay when I get home with regard to not breaking down and leading into the sex argument. It'll be tough though. Hope everyone is doing well.
The fact that we haven't heard from you and the fact that you could not think of a title for your new thread is a good sign. It shows that you are sticking to your new goals. Remember to stick to it when you get home. LH
Sooner, The post I've been trying to post is cursed. Couldn't originally post it to your other thread because of lock out. Pressed a wrong button somewhere along the way the first time trying to post it on this thread, lost the whole long thing ( ). Lost power TWICE while trying to post it at other times. At least I hadn't typed the whole thing out when the power went out both times. I've gotten superstitious about that post.
Time issues going on here as well. Trying to squeeze my work in between home stuff. It's even more challenging now that the girls are on summer break. I've been a work-outside-the home mom, a stay-at-home mom, and now a work-from-the-home mom. This one has been the most intricate of the juggling acts!
I'll be on vacation next week. Need to get ready for it today. I'll touch base with you when we get back.
Hey LH, I've been thinking about you. Thought I'd post to you here 'cause I'm not sure where else to!
Your h and my h are in similar situations. I understand what you're feeling. My h's long work hours and stress have an impact on how he interacts with me. It doesn't affect his sexual desire, but it affects his ability/motivation/desire to do many of the other things which are as important to me as physical intimacy is to you. I too have had the thoughts of "is this temporary or not?"
An approach which has worked for me is total empathy for him. It's not always easy. But when I think about how much I love him, his pain becomes mine. I mostly just want to make him feel better. Can't say I don't have moments of "but what about me!" The thing is I feel really crappy when I feel that way. I feel really good when I nurture my empathy for him. His joy at my making him feel better becomes my joy. When I remind myself of what the empathy approach does for me compared to the "what about me" approach, I guess I selfishly focus on empathizing with him...an interesting paradox ! Did that make any sense at all?
Quoting MPT:An approach which has worked for me is total empathy for him. It's not always easy. But when I think about how much I love him, his pain becomes mine. I mostly just want to make him feel better. Can't say I don't have moments of "but what about me!" The thing is I feel really crappy when I feel that way. I feel really good when I nurture my empathy for him. His joy at my making him feel better becomes my joy. When I remind myself of what the empathy approach does for me compared to the "what about me" approach, I guess I selfishly focus on empathizing with him...an interesting paradox ! Did that make any sense at all?
Hi MPT,
Oh yes! It makes perfect sense to me. Sometimes I have to struggle really hard at empathy though but I like what you said about "His joy at my making him feel better becomes my joy." In fact I just gave him a hard time with the "What about me?" approach. The poor fellow. My Hs love language is "Acts of Service". Not only does speaking that language makes him happy. He speaks that language to me as well. He is constantly doing things for me and when he feels it is not appreciated than he becomes unhappy. I'll have to listen harder, I guess. Physical touch certainly isn't one of his love language. My H is so busy he feels intimacy is not too important to show love. He tells me I am too free and if I have so much extra energy, I should channel it towards the home and family instead. (But I already do, 24 hours a day! ) Got to go channel some of that energy into feeding the baby now.
Thanks for checking in on me. BTW, when you lose your posts by accident, have you tried hitting the back button on your PC. Sometimes I get to retrieve it that way, than I just cut and paste. Take care, LH
Sorry about the cursed post! I understand how hectic things can get so go have a great vacation and save your wise words for when you have some time. No problem here.
Thanks for your supportive post luvhubby. I think you're right that my slacking off on the posting is a good thing from the standpoint that I'm not trying so hard to find some magic way to fix my wife's lack of desire - I'm basically just trying to control my own actions and feelings. But it helps to hear someone else confirm that. I'm going home tomorrow after a full week away and I'm planning to be on my best behavior. Wish me luck!
Well, I stuck with my plan for over a month - not putting any pressure on my wife and not making any advances - but unfortunately I screwed up tonight. We went to Dallas this weekend with our girls and stayed at my brother-in-law's house. It was a nice weekend although not the least bit romantic. I honestly don't remember when we last had sex, but it was a long time ago and I'm so horny that I'm about to explode. So after getting back this afternoon, I told my wife that I'd really like to make love to her tonight. She rolled her eyes and started making excuses right away, but didn't actually come out and say no. I took the girls to bed around 9 and had them to sleep before 9:30. My wife was already in bed so I crawled in and tried to cuddle up to her. She basically freaked out and the usual argument began. It didn't get too bad - no outright yelling or anything - but nonetheless it happened and I'm sure that she's added a few months onto my sentence because of it.
I know that I screwed up and I suppose the thing to do is to just pick myself up and try again. But that's so hard to do because I have no idea how long I might have to suppress my feelings and desires before things will get any better. I want her so badly and I hate that I may have to wait months or years to even touch her in a romantic way, much less make love to her. Knowing that there's nothing I can do to speed up the process only makes things worse.
I've been keeping up with your thread(s), and my heart goes out to you. I'm an LDer, my H is the HDer.
I don't know that you 'screwed up' this weekend...you tried and I don't think anyone would blame you for that. Pick yourself up and go back to your plan. Get out of the house as much as you can this week, with or without your kids...but go do stuff...and smile even if it kills you.
As an LDer, I can tell you that when you told your wife you wanted to make love to her that night, you left a big 'ole expectation smack dab on her shoulders. And if she had any inclination at all, you probably killed it with that announcement.
Is that fair? Hell, no. But I can tell you as someone who has been through this, I resented the heck out of my H's expectations...and if he told me he wanted to make love to me, it KILLED whatever miniscule amount of drive I had left.
Now that I've read the book, I understand that sex goes well beyond the physical release for him. I can deal with that. What I find very, very sad, is that he has not spent one/tenth the time on his part of the book...to understand me.
When our numbers start to fall, I can tell by his actions and words that all he is trying to do is figure out a way to get me to want to have sex with him. He is so transparent it hurts. Even though I think I have tried to turn myself inside out to increase our frequency as much as possible, I can't tell you the last time he called a sitter for us to go out on a date. Now, can I do that just as easily as he can? Of course. But it's the effort that counts with me...that speaks to me. Not necessarily the date itself.
I guess I don't really have any advice for you, and I'm sorry for it. There has to be giving on boths sides in order to solve a problem. And if she is unwilling or unable to understand you, then all you can do is work on yourself and your own happiness. The one road that would take you directly to Happiness Central is closed to you. So start focusing on exploring other avenues, other roads, and turn all your attention onto yourself and your kids. That's all you can do in this sitch.
The only other choices you have are to have an affair or get out of your marriage. I hope you resist both of these options because the reprecussions of both are extraordinarily painful. The reprecussion of the first option...well...I think it can only bring you positive results, regardless. (Of course, it's the hardest option, and probably the one that will take the longest in bringing about results, too).
I think I'll be okay when I get home with regard to not breaking down and leading into the sex argument. It'll be tough though. Hope everyone is doing well.
Remember to stick to it when you get home.
). Lost power TWICE while trying to post it at other times. At least I hadn't typed the whole thing out when the power went out both times. I've gotten superstitious about that post. 
! Did that make any sense at all?
) Got to go channel some of that energy into feeding the baby now.