Another one Busted!!!!

[sandycay]

First thing first, I can't figure out how you guys make that post listing down below smaller so if someone can fix that great. If it doesn't work just search for my name and read my background if interested.

Okay where I left off.....he the following week found a way for me to log on to his business cell phone account so I can check out his phone for calls. He also gave me the passwords to his business computer.....it's not his but belongs to his company so it has to stay locked up tight for security reasons. He threw out and deleted everything that had to do with "her". I hate that word now!

He got us in contact with a Gottman based counsler who we see every week...pays cash for it and never batted an eye. This is the type of counsler Michelle recommends.

In the beginning it was hard, I now wished I hadn't ask so many questions about them. It's easier to wonder than to know....but a lesson learned. He was always honest about it, no matter what I asked about. He has been nothing but remorseful, guilty-feeling, and so happy that he has another shot with his family.

He has faced the music with all of our friends that live around us and did it with dignity and the appropriate words.

I will tell you it is very interesting where his mind was during this time. He felt unloved in his own home (he should have, I was a bitch most of the times) but always says "that's no excuse for what I did" He is a very sweet, happy man and he was not treated well by me. Well, "her" who does this all the time spotted him a mile away and pursued him like crazy. He was gone on an extended trip so she had plenty of time with him as they were working together. It's a game for her and an ego booster to attract men like that. Again he always says "no excuse" but he thought I didn't love him either and that he was just an ends to a mean for me.

This is irony now but all the time I thought he was pineing away for her over in his apartment he was really sad about what he had done to me. In his mind, he couldn't see how we could ever work since he ruined the sanctity of our marriage. He also said that because it was so against his character and the person he thought he was he had to convince him self that what he had with her was....real, all that and a bag chips Because if it wasn't....why did he do that to me?

He also has equated to what was going on as "being like brainwashing", all the stuff she would say to him soothed the wounds I inflicted. He says he knows that sounds like a copout because he shouldn't be that weak. He has really suffered from the guilt, shame, and pain from his actions. He has not bobbled since the day he ended it with her.

I found on an email account on June 17th that she had sent him 10 emails or so since his no contact conversation. I will say that NONE of the emails had been opened...so I read them...yuck..I responded from that email account.and nicely stated "I was on the phone listening when he ask you for no contact, now I am telling you to stop." I told her I prayed for her from Jan - May. I also cancelled that account. She can call him anytime or email his regular work account which she did not....sneaky huh?

How am I? Well it's tough to be in a marriage with a ghost of the past that pops up.....I couldn't be doing this if my husband hadn't returned to the man I knew/thought? he was. I don't know how people can reconcile any other way. I am treating my husband as he should have been treated for years. We are communicating like crazy. He officially moved out of his apartment on June 30th but stayed here whenever I invited him to. He has gone on a Month long trip to India and has arranged for the kids to visit family and is flying me out there for two weeks.

He has agreed to look for different employment...one that doens't require long travels. This was one of my reconcilation sticklers. In therapy it came out that I am mad that he has gone all the time. We agree we don't know what came first me acting like a biatch or him acting like a butt head at home...You know what? It doesn't matter. It was a terrible circle and we are saddened that our kids saw us bickering so much. We are not name callers and ugly fighters though.

So that's it in a nutshell...if anyone has any questions for me or for him being a whatever he was, I will ask him or answer to the best that I can.

I will say that life events can bring this stuff on and it wasn't until we sat down in the counslers office and the list was 6 major events in 2 years that he went wow I didn't realize we had all that going on.

I also recommend that if it's your husband that you use a male counsler. It is amazing how he can say something in counseling and the counselor will ask me what I heard and it's a complete 180 from what he meant, and vice versa.


I am keeping GAL too. I finished the semester with all A's, a ran a couple good races..one 5k in 24 min! and now am training for a 1/2 marathon.

I still read on the board and keep up with everyone and I continue to pray for all those who are still in their situations.


There are times when I look at him and am so in love and then the surprise time I looked at him and felt nothing, that happened a couple of time....that was scary. My counselor and our MC said this was normal...that I had DETACHED from the pain and hurt he caused that I will have to work through those feelings. I know the real love is there, it's buried under a bunch of stuff but it's there and the right thing to do is perserver through all these confusing emotions. I always just say to myself "what was my goal".






Post #1 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1439548


#2http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1376409

[One Day]

Congratulations Sandy- this is fantastic news!!

OD

[sandycay]

Gosh, I can't believe I forgot to put this in my first post

THANK YOU to those who gave advice...I followed it 99% of the time. It was hard and so is tough love. I know that the advice from the people you get here is heartfelt, true, and it feels like a warm hug because really not many of us are hanging around with people like us....

This was and is a soft place to fall....I will never stop DBing because it has made me a better and happier person.

THANK YOU to Jodie my DB coach...who I thought had crazy ideas and I couldn't follow them but when I finally did the tide started turning.

[JenInVen]

Great news Sandy and I hope you contiue to love your H and grow in your M.

[sandycay]

Thank you One Day.

[sandycay]

Hi Jen,

You happen to be one of the stories I follow. Your husband seems confused too..ie. buying the apartment together and coming over all the time. What I noticed that when I made my husband stop coming over all the time and set up bounderies it really put things in motion..Of course he was pissed off at first and that was the scariest thing of all. I didn't want to make him mad at me....I don't know why... he had already left but I was afraid he would move on even further. I came to the realization that he was either going to move on because of his actions not because of mine. My DB counselor suggested I do this early on but it took me about 5 weeks to muster up the courage.

She said that he already took the step of moving out now I needed to show him what being divorced looked like. It was a gamble I guess but I think in my case it helped the situation because he hated taking the kids to his apartment (he called it the Prison) hehe "there's nothing for the kids to do there, not like at the house, they will hate it and hate me" What did I say? Well I validated everything that he said with "I know I wish it didn't have to be like that, but that's what D looks like" "It doesnt' have to be this way" "I'm sorry you feel that way". I NEVER engaged in one argument EVER...and he tried and tried but I never played. If I didn't agree I would just use my favorite phrase "SURE" and I ZIPPED MY LIP, that was the hardest and the most productive thing I did....I listened.

[JenInVen]

Hi Sandy, thanks for giving me some advice. I think that setting some boundaries would be good for me too. However, I have always been controlling with XH. I think that if i set certian boundaries he'd see them as my way of controlling things.

I think I will try some though

[addie]

Hi Sandy,
Congratulations on your success - that's wonderful news!!!
I would like to thank you for posting because it really helps those of us still trying to save our M. It gives us hope that DB can work.

This is irony now but all the time I thought he was pineing away for her over in his apartment he was really sad about what he had done to me. In his mind, he couldn't see how we could ever work since he ruined the sanctity of our marriage. He also said that because it was so against his character and the person he thought he was he had to convince him self that what he had with her was....real, all that and a bag chips Because if it wasn't....why did he do that to me?

I find this interesting because my H has said this to me also. He has also said that he really doesn't understand how any of this could have happened. He feels very guilty about the whole thing but at the same time continues to pursue OW eventhough that R ended a couple of months ago.

Once again, thanks for posting and let us know how it's going.

[sandycay]

Well, thought a little update would be in order since we have passed the 3 month mark on August 10th.

I went to India for 2 weeks to see my husband and it was nice to get away from "real" life were no one knew and we could reconnect without kids and life things. We flew back together and it is weird having him home.

I find I can't settle....that's the only way to describe it. I think it's self protection...waiting for the other bomb to drop. He has given me no reason to feel that way and has behaved quite the opposite.

He is so scared I am going to kick him out or think the pain of healing from this is to much, or that I was to far gone from GAL and that I am not happy with him. We get along well...small bumps....usually kid issues

Big bumps:...ugh I hate living with the ghost of a third person. I am so tired of obsessing over this woman...sometimes it drives me crazy. I sometimes still have that disbelief that he did this.

It suprises me how unsafe I feel now. I always felt safe before and this has taken that away from now....that pisses me off.

It suprises me how much we both give to each other now and how we both really try to communicate our needs.

It suprises me that he chose me over her. (she's 10 yrs younger and no kid body)

It suprises me that he is back. Remember he was so in love with her? I know better now.

It suprise me that sometimes I feel like Plan B...she turned out to be the loose woman that I knew she was and he figured it out. Did he come home because he lost her....he says NO! He was thinking about coming home from the day he left. CRAZY!

It suprises me that I feel "closed in" by the closeness that we share. I love and crave it but sometimes I feel smothered by it.

It suprises me that I learned I could go on.

I suprises me that sometimes I feel he got off easy. I know he suffers because he share with me his feelings on this and I can see it in his eyes and soul.

It suprises me that sometimes I feel like making him suffer just to see if he will stay. (would never do it but it does cross the grey matter).

I write of these things to help vent and because, well this isn't an easy road to travel either. I am certainly so happy to be here, but I didn't think it was be such a brain jammer.

I still read most threads but haven't had time to reply much.

Addie...I am from AR originally where Lou started his great career! The best thing I did was set the boundaries, stop asking questions and GAL. Easier said than done, I know...I was so scared to do it. I thought it would push him further away as if he wasn't already out the door.

[ms ladybug]

I remember you! Happy to hear a good ending.