----Corri said:---- See, I have a real problem with this statement. I don't think this can be true or accurate. Maybe YOU think you get along great; but if you were getting along as great as you think you are, you wouldn't be having any problems with sex. -----
Well, I think it is as true as possible. If I have to do more than I am in order for her to gain some desire, then I would have to question the cost of doing it. We are already beyond the point of diminishing returns here.
----Corri said:---- I don't know that your wife finds you unattractive, and I sure wouldn't look to the drinking thing as proof. I used to drink to get in the mood' because I knew that was what my H wanted. Didn't have anything to do with whether I found him attractive or not. He's a great looking guy. --------
I don't look to drinking and the resulting amorous behavior as proof of anything other than she is capable of the behavior.
----Corri said:---- The kind of sex he wanted to have I found degrading and humiliating, but because I 'loved' him, I obliterated my mind so I could try to be for him what I thought he wanted me to be. I look back on that now and find it all very sad. ---------
I am sad for you. Those of us who have few inhibitions find sex very fun and comfortable. That is what I wish my wife could enjoy too. I wish that for you as well.
----Corri said:---- Your wife, it sounds to me, is doing all she can to try and be the woman you want her to be, AND be the woman she is comfortable being. The two are conflicting in a major way. She, in essence, is serving two masters, and it is causing her endless drama, heartache and sorrow. ------
Probably so, and what a dilemma that must be for her. I never maintained any knowledge as to how she might make a transition, rather that she must.
In a perfect world, that transition, while possibly painful, would do no long term damage. I don't believe that is possible for us. I didn't when I started this process, I don't now. I think that, as I mentioned months ago, I can either lower my expectations and accept what we have now, or blow it up and have nothing to show for it. My dilemma is the same as it has been - how to live with less - and like it.
----Corri said:---- I think your wife, for most of your married life, has lived to please you and when she found out she could not do that, felt as though she had failed. I don't think that she understands that she cannot please you, she must please herself, and she has never taken the time nor the necessary steps to discover what in fact pleases her, who she is, and what she wants to be, and then have the courage to OWN that. How can she honestly communicate anything to you if she doesn't even know this herself? --------
Oh, I agree that she is stuck in catch22 land, but I think that in reality - not the one that she perceives, but the one that exists around her, she actually has a drive, and desire and passion. They just remain unacknowledged. Maybe they are just too frightening for her.
------ Corri said:------- I think this could be where your wife is stuck. Have you done this work yourself? Are you sure? ------
It is basically where she is stuck. I have done the work on me, and I am sure.
I am also learning to expect little to nothing from anyone but myself. It is true that makes one jaded, but it sure saves a lot of disappointment. At least that way, you can be pleasantly suprised if after all your hard work, something actually does grow in your garden.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
