Quote: Other than passion, inhibition and desire as they relate to sex, we get along just great.
See, I have a real problem with this statement. I don't think this can be true or accurate. Maybe YOU think you get along great; but if you were getting along as great as you think you are, you wouldn't be having any problems with sex.
I don't know that your wife finds you unattractive, and I sure wouldn't look to the drinking thing as your proof. I used to drink to get 'in the mood' because I knew that was what my H wanted. Didn't have anything to do with whether I found him attractive or not. He's a great looking guy.
The kind of sex he wanted to have I found degrading and humiliating, but because I 'loved' him, I obliterated my mind so I could try to be for him what I thought he wanted me to be. I look back on that now and find it all very sad.
Your wife, it sounds to me, is doing all she can to try and be the woman you want her to be, AND be the woman she is comfortable being. The two are conflicting in a major way. She, in essence, is serving two masters, and it is causing her endless drama, heartache and sorrow.
I know you want her to be truthful and honest with you, but understand how difficult it is to be honest with others if we cannot even be honest with ourselves. It is an extraordinarily hard thing to do. She has not drawn boundaries with you or herself, and you sit there scratching your head when she explodes at you because you didn't see the line, or even know one was there.
I think your wife, for most of your married life, has lived to please you and when she found out she could not do that, felt as though she had failed. I don't think that she understands that she cannot please you, she must please herself, and she has never taken the time nor the necessary steps to discover what in fact pleases her, who she is, and what she wants to be, and then have the courage to OWN that. How can she honestly communicate anything to you if she doesn't even know this herself?
It isn't anything to be ashamed of... it all sounds very easy, but it is SO very hard, scarey and sometimes painful to do. But the work is worth the effort because once you do it, there is no more damn GUILT, SHAME and DRAMA.
I think this could be where your wife is stuck. Have you done this work yourself? Are you sure?
