I agree, she is frustrated, and I would also like to know why.
It is true that she has made a change, after 10+ years of struggle, and my almost leaving several times. I am pretty scarred after the whole thing, and I keep finding myself wanting to avoid sex just because my feelings are stilll hurt. It bothers me that all of a sudden, she decides to do the right thing "she won't reject me", and I should sing hallelujah and be perfectly satisfied with whatever bone I am thrown.
The facts are still the same. She doesn't find me attractive. I know this is true because when she does (after a few drinks too many), and this is very rare, she is all over me, inhibitions thrown to the wind.
I don't expect her to be that way all the time, but it is hard to hide if you are really attracted to someone. It is equally difficult to fake interest where there is none.
If she is operating from fear, it would have to be from my intensity. I have never harmed her physically in any way, or even threatened. Maybe she thinks I will blow from her explanation of her feelings. Hell, maybe she had an affair and it has been haunting her. If the issue with her is fear, I have no earthly idea what it could be to cause miscommunication of these proportions and duration.
Also, her grievances with me, as defined for the "decade of the desert" were minor, or she didn't communicate whatever great harm I could have done to justify the extremeness of her disaffection toward me.
Essentially, we have made little progress, although we have crossed what many here consider the 'milestone' of a SSM in a return to sexual activity, we still have many days journey ahead of us.
I have no idea where her "safety zone" is. I didn't think we were operating with boundries on what we could discuss, that is until the plate throwing event. Last night, I tried to discuss the latest book she has read - the one on the plate by the way, and she responded that she didn't want to discuss it since she hadn't read the counterpart book (what women want men to know). She said she was still processing it. I read both books. I have no idea just what there is to process. Both discuss well known issues between women and men. Both books are mostly accurate in both scope and approach toward a resolution. All I can figure is that she doesn't want to face the facts. Maybe she saw too many familiar points in the list of "turn offs". If she didn't see them, then I doubt we will ever get this resolved.
I am very weary of trying. I have a lot of other ongoing projects. Most include her. It is hard to try and build a really good life that encompasses both spouse's passions, hobbies and comfort. It is nearly impossible to do that if one spouse is not willing, or makes less than a wholehearted effort. Maybe she is struggling to find a place to love me with abandon. That would mean that she is lying to me about where we are now. Maybe that is okay with her in the same way she lied about her orgasms 20+ years ago. I don't know why whe wouldn't tell me about that or why it was an issue. All she had to do is tell me and my reaction would have been the same, only years earlier. That reaction was to work with her until she could routinely reach orgasm. I may of been young and stupid, but I have always tried to be a good lover. I obviously have some trust issues. If she would hide something as important as an orgasm from me for years, then why not other things.
Maybe she thinks I stink, or I am ugly or have bad breath. Maybe my feet are too big or I am an egotist with extreme levels of self deception. Whatever it is, I wish she would stop "sparing my feelings" and get the issues out in the open. I have certainly been open about mine. I thought ladies wanted men who were open and honest...
If she has trust issues with me, I have no idea what they could be. What you see is what you get. I stopped playing mind games and being the "international man of mystery" long, long ago. That was fun when I was young, and I had lots of female friends, but I have never played sex games, even back then except for one time. I played mind and sex games with a girl friend who was 17 years old. I learned that It is entirely too easy to destroy someone by simply having no reagrd whatsoever for their feelings. I manipulated her, took her virginity and dumped her when I was through playing. I still hate what I did to her, and she still hates me. The point is that my wife should know that I am being upfront with her. I have a history of being upfront, possibly even brutal with the truth sometimes. Why she would have trust issues with me, I dont' know.
I have done everthing I know to do. Taken advice from books. I am very aware of a womans needs. I have studied just about everthing I can find regarding how to treat her. I am still as lost as to any signs of causal effects, even casual ones, from application of the 'rules' as set forth in many treatises on the proper treatment of a woman, as I was 10 years ago. Maybe I am too nice. Maybe I need to get mean and treat her like dirt. Maybe I need to just give up and treat her to the greatest of insults, total disregard of her as a person.
Having said all that. I still don't want to hurt her. I wish that I could just accept things as they are and be happy. It won't happen. I know myself better than that. The real kicker is finding someone else that I could care about as much, or respect as much. That challenge keeps me searching for ways to fix what I have now...
Other than passion, inhibition and desire as they relate to sex, we get along just great.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
