I have been trying to make plans with people so that I am not alone this weekend it just has not been panning out for me. I keep a small but tight group of friends and so when I strike out, I strike out. However, my sister is moving back to college this Saturday and my parents are going to be gone all day so I have the house to myself. I don't like the idea of being all alone so I am going to take my computer to the Starbucks down the street and spend a few hours working on my writing. I just started up again yesterday and actually got excited about it for the first time in months! So that will be good. Sunday I will have church to keep me occupied and then hopfully find someone to go out with! I need to call around a little more and try to track someone down. I am getting things done (in between checking the boards, lol) and feeling positive about my life but this hubby issue is floating around in the back of my mind at all times. I know I need to focus on the positives and spend more time praying and less time worrying!
Starbucks is a lifesaver :). Unfortunately I don't think we have one in Wroclaw, but I've always felt really nice going to a Starbucks for a few hours and getting lost in work.
I know how you feel about having a small group of friends and finding something to do when none of them are available. Are there things that you can do to distract yourself (beyond the writing and church which both sound really positive)assuming that you are going to be on your own? For me, pre-bomb, if my H was on an extended business trip or I was otherwise alone and didn't want to be, I'd get a couple of movies, or watch some silly TV shows or something for a few hours. Sometimes I would also have a glass or 2 of red wine, and maybe something decadent to eat. As I see it from your post, you have plans for Saturday day (writing and Starbucks), and Sunday morning. So you don't actually have that much time you need to fill, even though I know it can seem like an eternity...
Also I don't know if I've missed this in your posts, but are you exercising, doing any workouts of any kind?
Thinking good thoughts for you, ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Sorry I have not posted for awhile. My day of writing got shot to pieces but I had a much better day instead. . .with hubby!
Long story short we ended up getting together yesterday. He came over first thing in the morning so we could go to a hot spring together. When he first got here we snuggled in bed for awhile and that was nice of course. I had a few things to finish doing before we could leave and so he just hung out and played with the cats. Then we left and went to the store to get water bottles and we stopped to get gas and breakfast. It was nice because we have not gone on a road trip in the longest time and it was nice to just be like a normal couple, grocery shopping and getting him something to eat. Felt like old times. The hot springs were like an hour and a half away and we listened to music (squabbling all the way, hehe, we never agree about music) and just talking about life in general. We avoided R talks thank goodness! We had been having a few of those via text/phone call the past two days and I had had it! So we just had fun.
We hiked to the hot springs (about a mile and a half in) which was nice. I was trying my best to keep up! The hot springs were nice and private we had our own room and soaking "tub" and we had some fun there. A lot of the time we were just quiet and enjoying nature. We did talk though and it was all positive. Some borderline future talk as far as army plans and life plans. I was really positive and affirmative to what hubby was saying. I think I did a really good job!
We hiked back to the car. Only one bad thing happened on the hike back. I had a flash of bitterness. . .My hubby was talking about being sent to Iraq (which could happen next year sometime) which he seems to not mind which bothers me because our counselor said that part of our marriage issues seem to stem from the 6 months we spent apart last year when he was away for training so I said something about how I hoped he did not have to go to war and we did not really argue but it was obvious that we disagreed about it and then I got kind of mad and said "that's what just kills me is that I spent 6 months waiting for you to come home and now this is what has happened." Which I know was not good but hubby took it ok. He was quiet for awhile and kind of slowed his pace. After a few minutess I said I was sorry for the outburt and he took my hand and said it was okay. So I know I should have kept my mouth shut but that is not exactly my strong point. At least it turned out ok. Didn't really phase us. We continued joking around and laughing all the way back to the car and the drive home was good. A lot of physical interaction. . .
We got home and decided to take a shower which was very nice and were planning on having sex afterwards but right as we were in my bedroom my parents got home and so we had to put it on hold since we figured that would be kinda awkward. Lol. When can I move out? Oh well.
So we went to dinner instead and then went across the street to get hubby a new pair of work shoes. Again this was nice because we just felt like a normal couple again. Out shopping after dinner. I don't know it just feels good. One kinda weird thing was that he ran into one of his guard friends (female) who was working as our cashier at the shoe store and he did not introduce me which I found odd. I'm sure she knows he is married and just assumed and she was nice and everything but I was kinda bummed that he was not like "this is my wife." Oh well. Can't win them all!
Anyways we went back to my parents house and watched a movie. It was kinda weird because he does not really know how to act around them because he feels like they are mad at him, which they are not, but I understand. He played with the cats and met my new gerbil (to replace the one who died) and we just had a good time watching the movie and snuggling on the couch. It kind of felt like when we were dating, waiting until they were out of the room and then making out like teenagers. Lol. Kind of silly.
When the movie was over and my parents went to sleep he came to "tuck me in" and we ML. Which was amazing. Afterwards we cuddled for a little while but it was getting late and we both had to be up semi-early today and he had a hour drive to get back home. So he said goodbye.
I texted him before I went to sleep to say goodnight and to tell him that I had a good time. He texted me when he got home to let me know he was safe and said goodnight.
So all in all my weekend wasn't nearly as lonely as I thought it was going to be. Quite a surprise considering the mood he has been in this past week but yesterday all smiles and happy. I know he is still confused though and has even said how much better we are doing but he thinks of it in context of once a week get togethers and not an actual relationship. He still does not seem sure that we could live together and be happy. He thinks that we would be happy at first but then go back to arguing and be miserable again. He even said that he is not sure he is meant to be in that close of relationship because of the amount of time he needs to himself. These things were all said in text conversations on Friday. So I was confused and hurt and ready to give up but then we had such a great day together yesterday. Im just praying and waiting for our session together tomorrow to start figuring that stuff out. He asked me what I wanted him to do about it and I said we go to our session and you tell our counselor everything you are telling me and we see what he says and then we talk about it later. He said ok. So we shall see.
He has a birthday party to go to tomorrow night at 8 so we will probably spend the day together after our session and then he will leave from my house to go to the party since it is halfway between my house and the house he is staying at. So I guess we will have enough time to talk through some things. I am just hoping the session goes well and we get a lot of ground covered. I sometimes get stressed because it is such a short time (50 minutes) to talk about so much and I just want to throw everything out there but at the same time I know it is something that cannot be rushed and I need to prioritize my concerns and work them out one by one. So tomorrow I think I will let the counselor lead us (he is the professional after all) and let my husband do the most talking since he is the one with all the really big concerns and thoughts now. I will have time to get my issues worked out later.
Sorry for the long post. I hope it makes sense!
ITH~I do need to start working out (hiking yesterday showed me that much) but when I finally got all my jogging gear I got this massive bug bite on the back of my calf, kinda near the bend in my knee and it swelled up to golf ball size and made it painful to walk or cross my legs, let alone go jogging so I got slowed down but it has healed for the most part and I think I will go out on Tuesday. I also have my sisters room to turn into a workout space since she has moved back to college so now that I have room I will be working out a lot! I hope.
So happy to hear about your day. It sounds really positive. I know that things aren't 100% where you want them to be yet, but at least you are having regular counseling sessions, and your H is willing to open up to you both in the sessions and outside of them. My advice, for what it's worth (based on what Jody had told me originally) is to be careful not to use the counseling session as the venue to air your own grievances. Now you might be in stage 3 (I guess you would know that best), in which case you probably can start discussing what you want and need. If your H is still on the fence though, my feeling is that it would be better to use the session to continue to show your H how strong you are, and how much you value his feelings and can listen to them.
Anyway I see a lot of hope and positives in your situation Daisy.
Good luck tomorrow!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I completly agree with everything you said. I know that I am still in pain and unsure but for right now I am going to bury that a litte bit and really take the day to listen to my husband and try to understand where he is coming from. I have realized that in the past I never really listened to him. Like when we still lived together and he would be (in his own weird seeming way) trying to reach out to me and express himself I would only hear the parts I wanted to hear or I would hear negative things and while he was still speaking I would be busy planning ways or arguments to get him to change. I never let him be who he is and now is my chance to really embrace him as a person and let him who he is. So tomorrow I am going to try my hardest to let him talk. I can always get individual sessions to talk about my issues which might be a good idea for me. And possibly him too in the future.
Well another great day! We met at our counselors appt this morning and it went really well. A lot said and I don't want to type out a play by play but there was a lot of positives. I know we are still not out of the woods but at least we are getting there. Our counselor gave us a homework assignment to do before we can have our next session. We each have to make a list of the things we want and the things we need from each other in order to continue the marriage. The negotiables and the non-negotiables. Most of the session the counselor was talking to my husband and I was just sitting back. Quite a few times my husband would say something and I had to bite my tounge to keep from "interogating" him but as soon as I would decide to be quiet the counselor would ask the same question I was about to blurt out! In a nicer way of course. . .heh. It was weird but good. He really poked at my husband and did not let him use the "I don't know" cop-out.
I'm anxious for our next session to really dig into these issues. A lot of stuff that we talked about was stuff that our counselor said we should have discussed before getting married but because we were/are so young we did not really address a lot of life issues before getting married. And I think he is right in a way. We did talk about some things but certainly not in the detail we probably should have. I can't wait to make my list! I'll probably post the final draft on here before my session which will hopefully be next week sometime after the holiday.
The reason we are making the lists is so we can see whether or not we can be the person that the other wants and needs as their partner in marriage. My husband did say a few things that were new to me. He talked a lot about maturity and how being in a marriage requires growing up and being mature (which is something I have said forever!) and how he will need to make sacrifices (that is what the counselor said and my husband agreed) and that he is still seeing what those would be and whether or not he is willing.
I hope this is making sense to you guys. . .my head is still spinning a little.
After the session my husband had a couple of errands to run and I told him I was going to get lunch and meet him back at the house and he asked if I would get him something to eat too. I agreed and we split. I got his lunch and took it back home and hopped on here for a few minutes before he got back. He ate his lunch and we talked a little about the session but not a whole lot. I would prefer that the counselor put the "pressure" on him and that we wait until our next session to really start to chip away at the big issues. I just wanted another fun day and did not want to bring any undue stress into the day so early on.
We ML and then started to watch a movie afterwards but stopped an hour in because my hubby wanted to nap which turned into ML round 2. . .
Eventually we got up and finished the movie. Snuggled and joked around a lot. Ate snacks. Kinda a normal "weekend" day for us. Like the way things used to be. Sigh.
He said he was going to leave at 6:30 but then changed it to 7 and then waited to "finish the movie" so he did not leave until closer to 8. He gave me a hug and a kiss goodbye. Yay!
All in all it was a good day and while I was sad to see him go at the same time I am showing that he can have me and still have a social life outside of our relationship. I could kinda tell that he did not want to go and had he not said he would be there he probably would have stayed with me like he did on Saturday (I don't think I posted this but he had an offer to go out with a friend that night but had told the friend he wasn't sure if he would or not and when the friend called when we were at dinner he flat out said he was busy and couldn't make it out and I think that is great progress!)
I really like our counselor and I think he is going to help us a lot in the next few weeks as we (dare I say piece?) sort this mess out.
I know we cannot go back to our old relationship and truth be told I don't want to. I don't want to be the old (controlling, nagging, bitchy) me I rather like being fun and carefree with my hubby instead of complaining and making us both insane! I want a new and better marriage and have a hunch it is going to be with my hubby!
Thanks all for listening! Post any and all questions!
This all sounds very, very positive and I am (while just a touch envious) very happy for you.
If you read your own post, you will see all of the positives in it, but in case you don't, here's what I see...
Your H is willing to go to counseling Your H opens up in counseling Your H is willing to participate in exercises the counselor gives you You are ML (a lot) Your H feels comfortable enough to nap with you around You snuggle, i.e. have physical affection in addition to sex
Daisy, it sounds like you are well on the path to piecing. I know there is still a lot of work to be done, but you sound so much more positive than in previous posts, and I'm so happy to hear that things are going well.
Keep us updated please!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I do see a lot of positives and am storing away all my new memories away so that on the days when there is no contact and I feel sad or lost I can play one through my mind and remember that we are in a good place and have come a long way.
Last night we texted a little after he had left and said goodnight before I went off to sleep. Nothing ground breaking but it was nice to talk a little more and it's always sweet when he says goodnight.
Today I have to call my work and get my schedual for next week so that we can make our next appointment with the counselor. When I asked if he wanted me to call him after I got my schedual he said yes. So I guess we will talk sometime later today.
I'll post after that conversation if there is anything new to report.
we had our own room and soaking "tub" and we had some fun there. A lot of the time we were just quiet and enjoying nature. We did talk though and it was all positive. Some borderline future talk as far as army plans and life plans. I was really positive and affirmative to what hubby was saying. I think I did a really good job!