Well, let me put it this way. We are back where we where 13 years ago, pre-couch sleeping era. Hey, maybe my need for her to be normal precipitated the whole no-sex decade. Easier to say no than to fix a problem.

Anyway, the problem is simple. More hangups than a loose anchor in a treetop. I would rather not list them, but in Barbara DeAngelis's book. they hit 12 of the top 20 turnoffs :-) (I just read a couple of her books. She is a hoot)

When I realize that I have been dealing with the sex issue most of our married life, which is now most of my life, then I get a wee bit pissy. The real gotcha is that it is finally killing my desire - at home. My desire levels haven't changed at all otherwise.

So to precisely answer your question, the formula precludes any deviation. No use to ask or do, lest you spoil the formula. Get off quick, both of us mind you, and get off. We are talking about having sex, not making love, most of the time. A reverse problem since it is usually guys that want to just have sex. I don't mind just having sex, but I like to make love too.

We are very limited in what we can do. She doesn't like oral sex receiving or gving. No lights, no dressup or sensual undressing. The list goes on.

I have tried for decades to find out what the deal is. I hate to put pressure on someone to deal with a problem, but guys (and many of you ladies) deal with that kind of pressure on a daily basis.

I discovered the SSM book in a cabinet yesterday. I thought she had finished it. There was a marker about 2/3rds of the way through the book. I don't think she ever finished it.

I have taken pressure off her so that she wouldn't think I was going to up and leave her. She just relaxes and assumes that everthing is back to normal. She is right, it does return to normal, abbynormal.

This time around, I dont think I can let up on the pressure. It probably means that she will walk away. So be it. I can't do it her way this time. If I do, I lose myself. If she feels the same way, then I guess it is proof that we screwed up from the beginning. Something I have suspected was true for a long time.

I have tried to figure out how I can give up on sex. It may occur naturally in time, but how long, another 20 years? In the mean time, it is a sore spot that acts like an emotional filter for all incoming interactions. Kinda hard to get by that one.

I still don't want to hurt her. Damned if you do, damned if you don't...

-NOPkins-

I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.

-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.
-An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.